SilEnt WitNess

Brand New Start

2010-08-03T02:03:00.003+08:00

Interestingly, this post came after a year since i last posted. Something big happened today. I ORDed. Hmmm.. swirl of emotions sweeping over me. I'm sad, excited, nervous and glad all at the same time.

It was totally not what I expected. It was supposed to be more emotional.. more dramatic. But it turned out to be rather...simple. I went, I collected, I left. 6 years of army behind me. *boring*

So I guess it is about time to move on. what's next? good question.. too many possibilities. But God showed me today that everything is in His plans and that whatever is ahead, it is going to be exciting :)

Had a chat with an old friend tonight. I felt promises anew and spirits refreshed. Glad we talked tonight. Thanks.

One step at a time.

Man in the mirror

2009-08-04T00:03:00.002+08:00

Too late for a MJ tribute i guess. I kindda like this song very much. But something about this youtube singer really caught my attention. its the voice i guess. Nothing new about the version, but his voice is great! enjoy.

Nobody

2009-08-02T02:26:00.002+08:00

This song is irritatingly infectious!!!! argh.. I'm embarrassed that i quite like the catchy tune! =(

ha. the MTV's not too bad too. enjoy

Best seller in the making!!

2009-08-01T00:26:00.004+08:00

Counting down to less than a year before i fulfill my bond to the army. next year July 20th and I'll be leaving this life behind.

Happy? i guess so. I'm not too sure. Happy that I'm finally stepping out of this very alternative life style, but yet there are so many things that I have grown to like about army. This familiar routine and the people that come and go. I'm going to miss the times talking to these youngsters about dreams and ambitions and what should matter in their life.

Then again, when i was looking back, my dreams and ambitions have gradually changed over these few years. Things that matters to me have taken a shuffling in priorities. It is scary that everyday i start to lose that passion for the things that are dear to me, to the extent that i am willing to compromise. The scarier thing is that i hardly realised that i compromised.

Only just last week, i was talking to a friend i haven't seen in a year, and we started talking about what i intend to do after i leave the force. I paused for a moment. I had my compromised plans at the tip of my tongue, but i could not say it out. A ridiculous sense of sadness fills my heart. Only then, i realised how much I've changed. Changed to be pragmatic, realistic and most disgustingly, I've changed to be someone unlike Daniel.

I couldn't hold back the sadness. I started rambling on about my ever extravagant master plan to bridge the arts and media industry with the talents and the more i talked about it, the more excited i got. ha.

My plan is next to impossible with where i am now, but i have this overwhelming optimism that i somehow will pull this off. I'm excited and hyped up just thinking about the possibilities! i feel relief and comfort knowing that i am still passionated about my ambition!

From then on, I decided, I'll carry on and tell my stories. I'll carry on and be a bard of our time, telling the grandeur of the modern epic stories of our lives, inspiring people to imagine and see their imagination to fruition! To run after passion, hold on to it and fly!

The word "Inspiration" originally meant "from God". And I'm thankful that God Himself is my inspiration. That Jesus is a storyteller Himself, telling the most wonderful stories that is so powerful that it shows people the truth! That His story of love and salvation, so moving, so real, so liberating, so important and the best part is that I am in the story too.

I decided. I'm going to do something I'm passionate about. The things that makes me happy. I'm not gonna compromise. Not when God intently engineered me this way. The way ahead is scary and most uncertain, but I'm stepping out in faith that God will nourish me and guide me and make me the person He intents me to be.

I'm writing my own story this time round. Its been quite a story with love and hate, friendship and betrayal, adventure and dull moments, hope and disappointments, God and godlessness. The best is yet to come.

but since I'm the author of this story, I chose it to be a happy ending. I'm sure this is a bestseller in the making! =)

Inviting Friends To Church

2009-06-03T23:03:00.003+08:00

Here's an article that hit close to home when Prudence recommended me a Christian blog. It suddenly made sense of what i've been trying to articulate for some time but somehow was unable to put it into words. Take a read, might make a difference to your church.

Article taken from www.beyondrelevance.com

~Start~

Here's a truism: people that have had a life-changing experience with God want others to find God in a life-changing way. This is surely true. It is also true that most people that sat in church pews last year never invited one single person to their church. So what is the disconnection?

I think one of the biggest disconnects we have in the church is that, as leaders, we often forget what it was like to go to church for the very first time. The intimidation factor for a lone visitor in a new church is simply huge. But it is nowhere close to the stress and vulnerability that is put on a churchgoer who invites a visitor. All inviters put their reputations on the line every time they invite someone to church. You can rest assured that your church members will not invite someone if they do not expect a positive outcome. And most of the time, that's why one church isn't growing and the church around the corner is. It has led us to say that "People are not ashamed of Christ, they are ashamed of their church." Ouch!

I asked a young friend how he was enjoying his church; he admitted that he loved it but was bothered by the fact that the church wasn't growing. I asked him why it wasn't growing; he acted bewildered and said, "I have no idea."

"Yes, you do," I challenged him. "You know why it's not growing."

After a silence, I asked, "When was the last time you invited someone?"

"Well, it's been a long time," he said ashamedly.
"Why don't you invite people?"

He shuffled his feet and said, "I don't know."

"Yes, you do," I said. "The reason you don't invite people is the same reason why your church is not growing."

I could tell that bells went off on the inside. He responded, "Yeah, I know why." He had known it all along. He just had never connected the dots between the challenges of inviting people and overall church growth.

It might be simple. A congregant might be embarrassed about the church decorations, the woman who shouts from the back of the church, the inexplicably deep or dry sermons or the pastor telling jokes about his wife. The harder it is to invite people, the more challenging church growth is.

You see, I knew my friend loved God and wanted others to experience Christ's love. Unfortunately, most people are not intimidated about being Christians; they are intimidated about inviting people to their church.

The simple truth is that if an invitation is hard to make, for whatever reason, fewer people will be invited. The battle for growth is first fought in the hearts of churchgoers who want to better the lives of those around them. This is actually the desire of the vast majority of churchgoers.

I cannot say this emphatically enough-all true Christians want other people to become Christians. It is planted in them when Christ is planted in them. This means if your church has to beg, push, cajole, offer incentives, or even just remind people to invite others, it is a telltale sign that, for whatever reason, they do not believe the ministry that takes place will make a successful connection with the people they would invite.

This is where the rubber hits the road. Is your church connecting with your community? The main link is through your congregation, and if they think you're not connecting, you won't.

It is no wonder Paul challenged us in advance to "become as one to win one." The ability to relate to our communities and church growth go hand in hand. When a ministry can successfully relate to the people in its congregation in a way that reassures them that their guests will be connected with, the churchgoers will be willing to invite others because they know it will relate to those they invite.

By analyzing the temptations and challenges associated with inviting people to church, we found the following to be true. If a churchgoer can answer these questions positively, then inviting friends and family will not only be easy, it will become a lifestyle. The church will explode with growth! As a side note, my guess is that none of these topics would ever show up on a visitor survey. They require us to look closely in the mirror, as even our closest allies would have a hard time advising us of some of these issues.

Will my friend feel welcomed?
Principle: Hospitality-The atmosphere, nomenclature, and style of service should be inviting and not intimidating to the unchurched.
Will my friend fit in?
Principle: Comfort and Compatibility-Like it or not, invitations and visitor comfort decrease when social or cultural gaps exist.
Can I feel confident that I know how the service will turn out?
Principle: Consistency-People need to know what to expect, because they will invite accordingly.
Will my friend get something out of it?
Principle: Relevance-The message should be relevant and powerful for people at all spiritual levels.
Will my friend understand it?
Principle: Understanding-Jesus taught through practical illustrations. The songs and message should be understandable for people at all spiritual levels.
Will anything that could seem strange to the unchurched be explained through Scripture?
Principle: Sensitivity-Scriptural actions should be carried out with clarity and considerate explanation.

Having said all this, I am convinced of one thing. If members walk out of your service saying, "I wish my unchurched friend had been here," they will start to think about inviting their friend. If a member walks out of your service three weeks in a row and says every time, "I wish my unchurched friend would have heard that," nothing will stop that member from dragging that friend through your doors. The challenging thing is that often, when members walk out of churches, the only thing they can say is, "I wish my other church friends would have heard that."
It's time to evaluate. Are we creating an atmosphere that fosters growth or are we just ministering unto ourselves?

~End~

Funeral

2009-04-13T22:52:00.001+08:00

an advert commissioned by MCYS. I love it. Simple message, beautiful execution. Touched me. :)

Thank You for the Cross

2009-04-12T00:31:00.002+08:00

Good Friday had just past and looking forward to Easter. Took some time to think about Jesus and the price He paid for our sins. It's rather ridiculous why he would suffer the crucifixion and be ridiculed and insulted for our sake. Good thing I'm not God, because I was Him, I'd look down from the cross and laugh at myself and think why am I going through such pains for these undeserving people! Me included.

Thank God for the cross, for his love, His mercy, His grace and His resurrection. Thank you Jesus. May i be reminded everyday of what you've done for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's so easy to make promises, resolutions and commitments. But all these are too easy to ignore as well. Finding it easier and easier to forget about the godly things i should be doing and giving false importance to my worldly dealings. "oh, I'm too busy with work", "I've a meeting to attend". Nothing but excuses to draw me away from my Father in heaven.

But it's so hard to fight alone. It is tough fighting in a broken environment. Your comrades are either wounded soldiers or lost civilians. I remember the scene from the movie "black Hawk Down" when the helicopter pilot who crashed into a hot zone and was left there waiting for rescue. His comrades died protecting him as long a possible. Wounded, he sits in a corner with his limited ammunition, killing one at a time till he ran out and was mobbed by the angry Somalians.

Helpless and with limited resources and strength, i wonder why i entered this war. But i know the convoy is near. They are coming for me. i wouldn't be left behind. They promised. They are fighting their own wars, just like me. We promised to back each other up when we're done.

Help is coming. The end is near. A new beginning awaits. I can smell it. I may be clubbed and mobbed before, but i do not fear he who kills my body, my soul is well in my Father's hands. The weak and wounded will stand and fight till help is here. And we know it is on its way.

stay and fight

2009-03-11T23:49:00.002+08:00

Many nights i wonder what is wrong with everything around me. Why does things turned up like it is. It always builds me right up just to drop me down again.

Apparently, they are as right as they can be. Regret is the order of the day. They probably did the right thing and they are reaping their rewards while I'm left here caught in yet another tough and lifeless yet important decision in my life.

I find it hard to forgive the people who did this to me. As much as i want to, sour discord stirs in my tummy when i think about them and how they did it. They say time heals.. i'm still waiting to see.

I too long for a new beginning, a new calling, a new lease of life. Perhaps someone new in my life as well. But i look around me, the possibility seems to be gone. I used to have a bunch of friends who had crazy dreams and beautiful ambitions, nothing too formal, only too extravagant. We had nothing to back us but each other. Then they held on to their own dreams and flew away, apparently without me.

Now i learn that people do find courage in numbers. I'm afraid to dream alone now. When i share my crazy dreams and ambitions, there's no one who really understands how i feel. My life is less then it was. As usual, sad but true.

Don't want to dream alone. There must be more to my mundane life. There must be a twist in the new chapters ahead. I'll have to find forgiveness somehow. I'll have to let go and jump someday. As down and out as I am now, i know I'll stay and fight. I'll fight and win. I'll win and .. erm.. any idea what's after that? :)

Counting down :)

Broken as i am

2009-01-17T13:19:00.005+08:00

as kids, we would wish that time passes faster. before i knew it, 2009 silently crept into my calendar. As much as i would like to down play the arrival of this dreadful year, it's here.

i really wish it meant something.. ushering in the new year.. making new resolutions.. celebrating the passing of a year. so meaningless.. so sad.

i never did any of the above.. didn't find the need to. but as much as i sulk at how fast time has passed me by with me still marching on the same spot, it's about time i get over 2008, or maybe 1999, 2000 as well, all the years that i held back actually. Holding back the years where i wish i could re-live, holding back the years that i wished didn't happen. i kept them all. Dragging these memories with me, it's slowly becoming excess baggage, pulling me down, holding me back.

sometimes i feel so broken. but i can't be the only one that is broken rite? cos that would make me so pathetic. So how come no one seems to show their brokenness? why does every life seem so beautiful?

The way i see it.. there really is no shame in being broken. Broken as i am, God still loves me. And in my brokenness, He will make me whole again.

2008-12-02T07:49:00.002+08:00

If you found someone you love,

and find her love in return,

tell her.

Tell her often.

Mean it always.

i envy you

Thoughts from Fort Canning

2008-11-21T12:51:00.004+08:00

i'm on off today..took a walk up Fort Canning Hill. Sitting around on a bench, reading news on my laptop. ha. Act classy eh. actually i tired of walking le.. so taking a break here.

hardly worked much this month. clearing all my accumulated off days and leaves all in this month. so going back to office only for 6 days this whole month. :)

told a lot of people that i really had(or rather still having) a good break this time. got a lot of decisions done. gave much time to myself. Something i had always wanted to do. But i could never imagine how far away from God, how detached i am from my dreams, how easily i've forgotten the things i really want to do, how blind i was from the people i love, until i had this time to slow down and think. And i thank God that this break came in handy at the right time.

decided to change my course of studies from Marketing to Communications. Spent a long time thinking about it. Some people think that i'm just being daniel, just couldn't stick it through. 5 mins interest, i'm at it again. I, too, doubt whether there is some truth in it. That maybe i'm giving myself excuses again every time i meet with a challenge.

I can't blame them for thinking so. I really have nothing to show so far and i really did quit a lot of things before. but am i still like tat? i hope not. i would really hate myself if i am. But it is really scary sometimes, especially when everyday draws near to the day where i have to deliver what i say.

For those who knows me, you probably know i have big dreams and visions, big ambitions and hopefully a small ego. But I do think that i'm built different and that God had given me clear insights on the things i want to engage in. He made me outrageously optimistic, positively pragmatic, addicted to emotional experience and easily excited by the promise of potential and HOPE! Thats me, that's daniel.

But in less than 2 years i will have to deliver a promise that i've spoken for years. Not that anyone is watching if i really could make it, but i think i've cornered myself into a corner where i am gonna meet who daniel really is, If daniel could really walk the talk, if i really am that procrastinating day dreaming idiot, if daniel could really stick it through on the things that matters.

2 more years.I'm really confident this time round, but i can't say that i'm not afraid. But it's about time i guess. Watch me..watch out for me.. pray for me.. pray that i don't lose myself chasing this world.

yep.. thats it. hmmm.. the sound of crickets. so hypnotizing. long walk down the fort. Yawn.. i wonder whats for lunch? :)

"Live High" by Jason Maraz

2008-11-12T16:33:00.001+08:00

Beautiful song.. beautifully done. Oh gosh.. the pigeons! ha:)

Barrack Obama - President of the United States

2008-11-05T11:09:00.004+08:00

Obama is in the House!

Oh how exhilarating is his politics. How i wish we had an inspirational leader like him in Singapore.

Now get to work! :)

Jesus, take the wheel

2008-10-25T23:36:00.002+08:00

my brother shared with me about believing in God and having faith in God.

he told me a story about a famous tight rope artist who was world renowned. This artist traveled far and wide, looking for new challenges and scaling new heights in his trade. So it came to a point where he thought he needed a a defining moment.

He decided to stage a show. The scale of the show was like none he had ever done before. He was to walk a tight rope from a sky scraper to another, high up in the sky. On the day of the act, he had a huge following of people gathering to witness this feat. Before that, he thought he wanted to stir the crowd a little. The crowd loved him. Lots of them admired him for his guts and skillfulness. Little had doubt that this new feat would be of any difficulty for him.

He addressed the cheering crowd saying, "My fans! do you believe that i can do this?" The cheering crowd clapped their hands and whistled, some shouting "Of course! Of course!"

Feeling like a million dollars seeing the support that he is getting, he decided to ask once again, "My dear fans! Who among you do not have a doubt that this is chicken feat for me?" The crowd went wild, cheering even louder, clapping and whistling. They all seemed to really believe in him.

The artist liked it. Feeling his ego swelling with the support, he decided to ask one last time before he steps up on the rope, "My dear fans, if you believe i can do this without breaking a sweat, cheer for me like there's no tomorrow!" The crowd responded, cheering louder than before. Clapping and stomping their foot! In fact, looking at the artist's past records, there is no reason to doubt him at all.

Suddenly, the artist fueled by the response ask a different question, "My dear fans! If you believe me, will one of you volunteer and i will carry you on my back and walk this rope!"

The crowd went dead. Suddenly there was no more cheering and stomping. Everyone looked around, thinking who would be brave enough to do so. Turns out, none of them dared.

The artist was utterly disappointed.

Finally, a little boy walked out of the crowd and volunteered. The crowd was impressed by the guts of this little boy.

The grateful artist took the boy on his shoulders and finished walking on the tight rope. The crowd cheered! For both the artist and the boy. Even though the act had been completed, he felt unsatisfied. The crowd was curious who this gutsy little boy was. Turns out, the boy is the artist's very own son.

When the artist took his bow from the crowd, he held him in his arms and thanked his son, for his was the only one who really had faith in him.

Thinking about it, we all seem to be like the crowd. We all believe in God and recognise what He is capable of. But how many times do we flee from walking with God in our lives. Depending on Him and allowing Him to take us on His powerful shoulders.

This is simply the absence of faith. We believe God can do it, but we seriously doubt that God can do it with you. We're afraid of the "what ifs" that we forgotten that there is no "what ifs" with God. Because of this, we stand outside greatness. We chose not to partake in God's miracles and providence in our lives.

I've heard of people telling me, "why are there so many people with testimonies of great and wonderful things that God is doing in their lives, but there is none that i can boast of?" I say to them, those are the people who let Jesus take the wheel in their lives.

There is a clear distinction between believing in God and having faith in Him. Believing in Him means to understand that He is God and that there's nothing he cannot do. Having faith in Him is allowing Him to impose His will and plans in your life. An act that compliments your believe.

It is very relational. Like that little boy, he not only believe his daddy could do it, but he trust him enough to know that his daddy could take him through it. Let us look at our relationship with our Father in heaven. Have it been the same case like the crowd? How many times, we rather believe in ourselves than to trust in God, relying on our own wisdom than His.

May we remind ourselves daily to lift our lives to God, giving Him the driving seat in our lives. Demonstrating true faith in our Father, who can and will carry us through it all.

Bungee in Phuket

2008-10-13T17:39:00.004+08:00

"Live from Phuket"

here i am.. sitting in my hotel's internet room in Phuket, hiding from the rain.

well.. it's not all bad actually. Finally have some time for myself.. read up on local news on channelnewsasia.com, sipping coffee.

that's more like a holiday.

Phuket wasn't exactly too fantastic for me.. maybe if it was a shorter trip it'll be much better. But Jeremy's all over to experience the Island through and through. Well well.. i'll try my best accommodating his itinerary then.

I'm all burnt up now.. but i know why!! ha. cos a certain friend once told me that i could never get a proper tan because of the brown pigments in my skin is lacking. How true.. the cycle always goes red--> burnt--> pain--> peel--> white. i'm in the pain and peel state now. haha.

well well.. just a short review on what i did over here.. parasailing.. jet skiing .. set fireworks!(i was impressed! imagine that! ha) and the most memorable one is BUNGEE JUMPING!! ha.

Yep yep.. was driving to this jungle bungee place operated by an ang mo. Unshaven.. long curly hair. Friendly though. Reached just in time to see a couple jump together.

Oh boy.. never would i have imagined that it was that high. Read on the brochure that it was 50m high.. well.. 50m "sound" pretty low to me. Seeing it was a different thing all together!

Heights to me is like chili. I feel the full torment of the "hotness" as of someone who don't enjoy it. but the difference is that i kindda like that feeling. ha. So chili is both a wonderful and terrible thing for me. sounds weird eh. ha.

so i'm not afraid to say that heights has always been a problem for me.. but yet.. there's a sense of excitement and ecstasy when you're in the presence of heights. So there i was.. signed up for the big jump. kept telling it was nothing.. just go up and jump. How hard could that be.

So i was all tied up onto the bungee rope.. sitting on the rising platform on the flimsy crane. (They assured me that they haven't had an accident since their opening in 1991. they better not have their first today. Then again.. looking at the nature of the activity.. jumping from great heights into water.. wat else could have happened?)

when i finally reached the top of the crane, i was suprised how calm i was. heart not beating too fast.. no sweaty palms. The jump master wasn't too friendly though. all he said was " i count 1,2,3 then you jump. Understand?" i nodded. That was simple. 1,2,3 and i jump. how hard can it be.

With my legs all tied up.. i hop to the edge of the platform. What a wonderful sight! the mountains.. the lake below.. the birds in the sky! If only i was up here for coffee instead of having to jump. I try to numb myself from the fear.. kept telling myself that it was nothing again and again. it worked. i wasn't really afraid even at the verge of the platform. then i heard the inevitable.

"1, 2, 3!!!" Like a well trained soldier, i jumped.

suddenly i couldn't touch the ground.. the falling sensation shot right to my spine.. all the fear that i thought i didn't have rushed in all at once. for 2 whole second i thought i was gonna die for sure! the feeling was was terrible.. but like chili. ha. wonderful as well. Scared the shit out of me! ha.(not literally though)

the next thing i know i could almost touch the water surface! then up i go again! bouncing on a rubber band. Every rebound was as exciting. short lived.. but worth it.

Was in a fix whether i wanted to jump for the second time. ha. Part of me know that having gone through the first.. i know exactly what to expect and i still don't know how anyone could have prepared for it any better ever for the second time. but another part of me is dying to try again! ha. especially when they charge half price for the second jump!

well well.. it was still pretty ex though. will try again somewhere else when i'm feeling rich then.

Bungee definitely not for the weak hearted. But definitely an experience i'll never forget.

Dinner time. Check back when i can. Ciaoz.

Lost and Found

2008-10-05T00:52:00.003+08:00

Lost and found.. lost and found.

i was lost, now am found? well.. that's true.. but that's not the only good news!

Thought i lost my keychains!! was feeling really down for a few days because of that. WHY!!! WHY SO CARELESS! haha.. looked high and low. then just when i resigned to the fact that it was lost.. i found it!ha.

found it in a small pocket in one of my bags.. then suddenly it hit me how stupid i was. i remembered going out with that bag and i was in a pants without pockets. i was afraid i'd lose my keys so i kept it in the side pocket and clipped it close if case it falls out.

stupid me. looking high and low. glad it's back.

then good news comes in pairs. found my beloved notebook(not the electronic one.. paper notebook)!!! haha. thought someone stole it in camp. damn angry when i couldn't find it. i pactically searched all the offices of my battalion!! but still can't find.

Got lots of stuff stashed in the book cos i always doodle my ideas and stuff in it. and i hardly remember all the stupid ideas i've got. love the notebook too. bought it from my fav shop..MuJI!!!! ha.so it's not cheap also.

well.. the book suddenly appeared at home too. silly me. wasted time searching.. wasted time being angry at myself for misplacing them.

then again.. i'm happy now! :)

Guilty as charged

2008-10-01T23:47:00.003+08:00

it's true. Making friends is easy. Staying as friends is the hard part. I know some of you are disagreeing with me already. But the kind of friendship i'm referring to here are meaningful relationships. I don't know about you, but it is a hard lesson to learn for me.

I read somewhere that our capacity to maintain meaningful relationships have actually been a research topic, where the findings seemed to indicate that the we humans can only have on average of 6 meaningful relationships at any one time.

To simplify things, ask yourself, how many best/really good friends do you have? People you constantly care about. Some friends are "better" friends than others.. we're talking about the "better" ones. I think i fit into the average of 6. Especially now.

Yes yes.. i hear it again. You're not like that. We do try to kid ourselves sometimes. Good friends we can have aplenty. Care, i could give to many. But how many of them truly means the world to you. How many of them reciprocate that feeling. Ok.. maybe reciprocating is another issue, but it does not make a differences with our capacity.

All this translates our capacity to love. Sometime what we see as "love" is really limited. Drawing a border around it. Our willingness to love the beautiful, the complete. Sometimes we chose to love the people we can, or rather to chose to love the part of them that we can accept. Even in churches, a lot of people are doing it wrong. Having good intentions to love, but loving with their limited capacity.

I am guilty as charged. I told myself that it is just too tiring making new friends and making new friends really good friends. I already got enough friends to trouble me with maintenance, trying to keep those existing friendship from breaking up. (and a lot of them are already broken) Why would i in my right mind want to increase my problems?

Then again, like general revelations, my conscience is begging me to differ. Knowing well that this is the only real reason people don't stay in church. Because there is no meaningful relationship being built. Not before long.. the steam will run out. Christianity turns into a fad.

Meaningful relations in church stretches high and wide like the cross. First of all, a meaningful relation with our Father in heaven, through knowing Him and loving Him and feeling His love for us in return. Next, a meaningful relation with our brothers and sisters, through truly knowing them and loving them, and being loved in return. If i have not had these meaningful relationships, i think i will be gone as well.

But what about our limited capacity like i said before? Are we destined to love in small groups? How are we to overcome our incapacity? What about my no. 7 friend?

The answer is simple. We simply are drawing love from the wrong well. Loving with the love of Christ. Not with our own. Simply drawing from a never ending source, an all powerful love. We'll realise that there is no end or limit to how we love, who we love or why we love. We love because He first loved us. He did not see us for who we are, cos if He did, i definitely would not have found favor with Him.

A lesson that for sure i'll take my lifetime to learn. A lesson that is worth a lifetime as well.

May we learn to love out of our comfort, love more than the lovable people, love more than then beautiful one we see and even love those who hurt us before. For if God saw us for these, He wouldn't take a second look. More importantly, may we learn to lean on His love, for God is love and i love you because He loves you too.

2008-09-26T02:57:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling lost today.

End of my busy period.. finally. Took some day offs to spend some time to catch up with life. Bad move. i didn't know what to do with all the time i had.

downloaded serials.. but always empty after finishing. chasing after another. meaningless.

walked around.. took the bus around.. even the train too. traveled half of Singapore looking for things to do.. only to tire myself further. Went all the way to town to try a shirt i remember i saw months ago.. only to find i hate that shirt and went on my way out of town again.

I'm lost.. like really lost. the worst thing is I'm too afraid to ask for directions. Afraid of being around with people i know. Thinking of asking people out for a chat.. a drink.. a walk.. a movie.. dinner maybe? Isn't this what people do? but i couldn't do it. It suddenly occurred to me i really didn't know how.

I always pride myself for my ease to network. To be able to hold a glass and walk the floor and strike a conversation with anyone if i wanted to. I am so naive. I am a bankrupt when it comes to social skills. i realise any real conversation i ever had were hardly initiated by me. I'm always scratching the surface, my scratch hardly deep enough to make an impression. i stutter before those i cannot fool.. i avoid those who could see me through.

no wonder I'm where i am. no wonder my relations hardly worked before. I have been building the latitude of my relations. but there was hardly any depth.. any altitude. Credit to my lack of social capacity.. my emotional deficiency and a whole lot of fear.

Don't want to talk to people about myself.. my plans or what i think even. But what do real people talk about? i wonder.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe real relations are supposed to be awkward feeling sometimes. i wouldn't know.

2008-09-05T00:41:00.002+08:00

who am i kidding? I haven't been completely honest. Not with you.. not with God.. not even myself. Telling myself I've got it all together.. cleaned up my act.. on my way to something.. something meaningful. who exactly am i kidding?

I'm lost. Frustrated. I've no idea why I'm in this. My veil is so thin. My soul.. obviously shallow.

I couldn't answer the simplest of questions to defend my faith. I wouldn't stand a chance trying. One song would break me down. But still..i keep hearing myself trying to buff me for more than i truly am.

I've love to say i really hate Daniel.. but i don't. I know i shouldn't. But what would it take to wake me up? Isn't it easier for someone asleep to wake up than to wake someone who's trying to look like he's sleeping?

Hate how easy it is to forget. Why You have to make me so forgetful. Why make sin so forgettable.

Silly me. Who was i kidding? I wouldn't stand a chance.

Gone

2008-09-03T21:56:00.002+08:00

the story's gone. Feels out of place here.

had to put it somewhere else.. with a title to the story now.

:)

Fireworks! :)

2008-08-09T02:14:00.001+08:00

reading my own blog again.. laughing the whole way through.

Oh how mistaken i was about matters of the heart. How i totally misread all the signs. Embarrassing. -_-"

Read about what i was blogging on around this time last year. Matt called from Australia. Now he's almost back. It's interesting how things turned out to be. and how things didnt turn out to be. Everything in its time i guess.

and me? i'm still me. still waiting for things to happen. waiting for fireworks in my life.

will you watch with me? i heard you said ____ . :)

lalalalala... :)

Beijing Welcomes You!!!

2008-08-09T01:17:00.004+08:00

Watched the Olympics Opening in Beijing.

Wow.. i'm impressed. Zhang Yi Mou is the MAN!!! Orchestrating this whole show.. it's a masterpiece!! a multimedia dream.. Fireworks like there's no budget.. truly like nothing on earth!

I'm impressed. i'm DAMN impressed la! ha. Suddenly i'm proud to be chinese again. ha.

-_-" sianz

2008-07-17T00:40:00.002+08:00

ARRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Cut yourself and like it

2008-06-25T21:53:00.004+08:00

i just remembered talking to a group of 6-7 year olds.. then we were talking about being emo. Thought they know nothing about being emo.. boy was i wrong.

I asked them what was emo all about.. and they gave me their shocking defination.

" to cut yourself and like it!"

I was like ..."what?!? where the hell did you learn that???" all of them replied in unity:" Youtube!!!"

My Gosh!!! I'm never gonna let my kid watch youtube in the future!

David Cook Is the new American Idol !!!

2008-05-23T00:24:00.006+08:00

David Cook Is the new American Idol !!!

Yep.. you heard it right. Won by a margin of 12 million votes.. America has spoken.. David Cook Is the new American Idol !!!

ha.. don't be mistaken.. i'm not usually an AI fan, i happened to have watched a few episodes of AI after the final 12 and i'm really impressed with David Cook! His rendition of Michael Jackson's Billy Jean blew me away!

He's got substance.. he's got the look... he's got the attitude.. he's got the voice.. he IS the package! Haven't seen anyone quite his caliber on AI for quite sometime already. He deservingly won the competition. Then again.. i doubt he really needed to win to make it BIG. If i was a producer, i'd sign him anyway.

well.. hope he doesn't just fade into oblivion after the competition like so many AI winners before. May he do the male population proud and outdo Clay Aiken and maybe even Carrie Underwood and Kelly Clarkson!

Ok.. i sound like some AI groupie now.. ha.

"This is American Idol.. i'm Ryan Seacrest. Out!"

Singapore Freeze!!

2008-05-18T00:54:00.004+08:00

Anyone heard about the Singapore Freeze? haha. Unknowingly.. lester and i participated in the first ever SG Freeze! ha.

Tot it was quite lame at first.. but then again.. hah. pretty fun actually.

For those who don't know what it is.. all we did was that at the certain designate time.. lots of people just suddenly freeze from what ever they are doing 5mins.. then unfreeze and move on after that. ha. the passer-by who didnt have a clue were shocked.. tot what happened. ha.

from what i heard from the participants.. the movement started in a Germany arts festival where the artist wanted the people to take time off from they daily busy walk to stop and observe still life. Frozen people.. doing pausing in the midst of us. Art they say.. ha.

well.. pretty fun though.. glad i was able to take part in such a lame movement. haha. no offense.. i do get the idea.. but it's still pretty lame. ha

here's a video i found on YouTube about the Singapore freeze. If you look really closely.. i appeared in the video for a split sec too. ha:

enjoy!

Brudder!

2008-05-14T23:29:00.006+08:00

Vikki called to this afternoon cos Issac learned to say "brother"! ha. Anyway.. Issac is vikki's 1 year plus old kid. super cute! been trying to teach him to call me brother instead of uncle. haha.

Yeah! Made my day! way to go brudder! :)

Contentment

2008-05-14T00:21:00.003+08:00

lesson i learned today.. contentment. ha. when you lower your expectations.. the world seems a better place.

had my first paper today.. management. BUS101.. how appropriate. I gotta admit.. i haven't studied enough.. but last min revision was pretty helpful. Thank God!

I sat in the gigantic exam hall looking at the paper i smiled to myself.. it didnt look too bad.

i scribbled all the crap i have onto the papers and i managed to fill 11pages with it. ha. not too sure how much of it was relevant.. but then again.. at least there are 11pages of it. half of it right would have brought me thru anyway. ha.

i walked out of the exam hall a happy man.. but all i see was frustrated faces all around me. hmmm.. the paper wasnt that hard.. i wondered. So why the long faces?

realised they were sulking that they couldn't score. I was smiling that i wouldnt fail. ha.

and we all went to have ah beng western food and lived happily ever after!

Hope you're not gay

2008-05-13T23:50:00.003+08:00

hi there! If you're reading this.. you're one of the few(hmmm.. let me count.. 1..2..3.. around there i guess)weird people who like to peer into my blog for no reason. Either you're addicted to mediocrity or you're somehow for whatever reason interested in my life. (I hope you're not gay!! Please!!! nOOOoooo!!!)

But then again.. i welcome you anyway. Feel free to bore yourself with my bitching about my life in here. I dun usually address the people who come by cos i am usually the only one who reads my own blog. haha. I'm quite a fan actually.. reading up on blogs years ago.. Helps me with my short term memory thingie.. reminds me of things. Amuses me sometimes.

Then again.. why are you reading my blog? hmmm... i'm interested already. Dun you have your own life to live? some webcast to catch? movie to watch? people to call? some project to do? some books to read? some animals to feed? some pimple to squeeze?

tick tock tick tock.. every moment here is a moment wasted. But thanks for showing interest anyway.

There really is nothing much here if its content you're looking for.. and if there if a door in cyber space i'd show you the door. ha. so thanks for dropping by to nothing. please come again! and i truly hope you're not gay!

bye bye

That Morbit Feeling

2008-05-13T01:07:00.003+08:00

went to give my white blood cells today again. Sat there for 7hrs. tot i could use this time to do some revision for my examination tml.. well.. i was wrong.. the stupid chair was too comfy to study la.. i kept falling asleep. haha.

thank God my white blood cells were very much acceptable to uncle steven.. cos i heard alot of people couldn't donate in the first place. The 2 times i when for the donation i've already seen so many people who came for the screening being rejected for donation already. Poor auntie Sally, always see her so washed out but still so strong. Thanks for the hospitality, for all the food you bought me! :)

Min Yee told me today that actually her dad not doing too well. Doc told them that they already did all they could already. so could only sustain him thru all the transfusion and the machines and hopefully he turns around. Reminded me of the time when my grand ma was in hospital.. knowing that she was fading away.. but still praying for a miracle. You tell yourself that you gotta prepare yourself for the lost eventually. But then again.. can you ever prepare for such a lost? i doubt so. End of the day.. all the preparations boils down to tears and sadness. Nothing can prepare you for the lost. trust me.

However.. you know that you'll have to get over it somehow. let go.. move on. And you eventually will. Moving on is not about forgetting the person so that you dun feel the pain.. it's about accepting the fact that he/she is gone. Holding on tight to the memories that you had together.. holding on the lessons you've learned in the relationship. I still remember the faces of the friends i lost. I do visit them once in a while.. afraid that i've forgotten about them. i try not to. I tot i'd never get over their deaths.. but you'll be surprise how forgetful people are.

I'm sorry if i ever forgotten. You'll be glad that your dismiss managed to encourage others to live better.. including me. How ever much i hate what you did.. i hope you're in a better place than we are now.

well.. may the Lord's consolation and comfort and peace falls on weary hearts tonight. Refreshed when we all get up in the morning.. for His mercies are new every morning and His grace is sufficient for me! Amen

Screwed

2008-04-25T08:57:00.005+08:00

Not exactly a good week.. screwed for the tiniest of things. Not even my fault. irritating. I dun think in my 4 years of Army had anyone reprimanded me for nothing like he did. Well.. he's doin me a favor.. affirming me that this is not the place i would like to stay for too long.

Something fundamentally wrong with the management in Army. It's working at the moment doesn't mean it should be the way. Telling us in the face that the turn over rate is still healthy.. making it an excuse not to address issues. I think its more that they dun wanna feel taken hostage to abide by our real concerns with us threatening to quit.

But this is not it.. it is a natural fact that if satisfaction cannot be found here.. people will go. Can't go 3G without first changing the 1G command attitude. The commanders seems to be engaging and putting up the front for the NSF.. while behind the scene.. nothing much changed. At least that's what i feel here.

Looking at the large number of people leaving.. i hope they are getting the msg.

My Blueberry Nights

2008-04-21T23:54:00.003+08:00

i watched My Blueberry Nights on my graveyard shift the other night. Nothing really much to do around there. Imagine.. hanging around.. just in case. -_-"

Haven't watched a film that made me think so much after.. i really like the show. I like the approach.. the style of photography.. most importantly, i like the fact that it made me learn something new about myself.

It is true that people seldom see you for who you are or what you're worth. And along the way, you fumble between overestimating or undermining yourself that you slowly, but surely, forgotten who you are anymore. It is always about who I want to be.. what I want to do.. how I want things to turn out. But do we really know what is best for us? We probably don't.

i look myself in the mirror and i hardly know who daniel really is. but i love the fact that i'm finding out who he is from the mouth of others. Everyday, i learn something new about myself. Its like reading a book.. each page reveals a little to piece it up to the grand design.

It definitely feels great getting to know yourself.. but on the other hand.. it can sometimes be hard to like what i see. i look at daniel from the outside and sometimes all i really see is a lonely man who choses to be alone on his own accord.. because he thought it suits him better this way.. that it justifies for the awkward years that he passed. An addict for solitude.. a masochist of kind. Not because he enjoys it.. but because it felt deserving and befitting to be like this.

It is like drinking alone. For goodness sake.. liquor taste nothing fantastic. But who was ever really downing them for the taste. Its how it makes you feel. Rightfully high.. rightfully miserable. They are looking for justification. oh precious, instant justification.

something struck me ridiculous from the show. Jeremy,(the owner of the cafe in NY), he keeps a jar of keys all left behind by his customers. Behind every key is a story. Someone leaving.. someone left.. someone waiting and some who just can't let go. He remembers something his mummy told him when he was a little boy.. that if he was ever lost.. he was to stay exactly where he was and she'll come back for him.

Sounds like wisdom to him.. he thought love was the same. That if he stayed and hung on where he lost his love.. it'll come back looking for him. That's exactly what he did. He never left his cafe.. he never change anything about himself. He stayed where he was.. just in case his love came back looking for him and she'll find him exactly who he was before. He thought if he kept those keys in the jars.. the very least is that he kept a possibility to open the doors.

He had to learn the hard way that it didn't work that way..that it wasn't about the door.. that even if the keys someday were to open these doors again.. the person you're looking for probably isn't there anymore. He was waiting to open the door to an empty room. A fool waiting for nothing.

He threw away all the keys in the end. Wondering what he had been missing all these while when he had his eyes dead fixed on that door.

123 我们都是木头人 (下)

2008-04-20T01:22:00.002+08:00

david tao didnt disappoint. the crowd did.

nevertheless.. david rocks! haha. i mean he really rocked the stadium man! as usual... i'm impressed. the arrangements over all the old songs.. made them sparkling new! like i've never heard before. ha

now when i think back.. Mayday's concert cant hold a candle to david's. Sometimes its not about nice songs.. it aint enough. David's concert oozes substances. Hard not to be inspired after every song. nothing like seeing musicians enjoying themselves.

we'll i think it's true.. last album in dec. hope he'll make a come back.. i promise i wont laugh at him goin back on his word. ha. but if david stops making music.. i've got nothing to look forward to anymore..(maybe still got jacky cheung and wang lee hom.. hee)

bottom line is.. i enjoyed myself.. God gained the glory from his testimonies.. everyone's happy.

Beautiful

123 我们都是木头人

2008-04-19T02:22:00.003+08:00

counting down to david tao.. 5.. 4 ...3.. 2.. yawn. Opps. tml night's the night! david in action.. haha. a year plus since his last concert.. but cant wait to see what he's got with new arrangements and stuff. ha. i remembered i throughly enjoyed myself the other time. actually much more than the mayday concert.

well well.. it better be good tml. his last album coming soon.. and then bye bye david tao.. or so he say. ha. really quite wasted if he ends now.. argh.. irritating.. why did it have to stop. :(

Today i comprehend what i'm actually supposed to do in camp.. what the army is paying me for. Haiz.. thinking about it.. its really quite a tough one. Managing expectations.. both ends of it.. breaking bad news and making them sound reasonable. Come on.. as if they dun know i'm trying to fool them. But that's partially what i'm paid for. the bad news man.. sianz. the worst thing is i think i'm immune to the pain in seeing them heading towards shit.. partly because i know there isnt much i can do about it.. partly because it doesnt really concern me.. why invest so much of myself in it.

Else where.. i probably could do much more.. but in the army.. they've always been pacifying me. arghh.. irritating. i've been complaining and raising issues of fairness.. or elitism.. of admin lapse.. plain stupid directives but they nv seem to get thru. They just say "i totally understand and agree with you.. but it's beyond my pay grade to address your problem". Duh! Talk about chain of command.. the stopped my complaint and threw it out right there.. how it is ever gonna get to the person who can actually do something about it?? Irritating.

Maybe i should be writing a song about it like david tao.. haha. i might get famous you know.. ha. maybe not.

Come back when you really have something to say!

2008-04-17T00:42:00.004+08:00

while people are talking about starting revolutions.. embarking on new journeys.. the new girl in class.. i'm starting to wonder what stirs me.

realised that i'm more wounded than hurt.. more restless than tired. i tot nothing can stir me anymore. I know i still have it inside.. the music within.. the inherent purpose.. but then again.. what good can i be if i'm still me. Overrated me. Procrastinating me.

So what if you can speak? Come back when you really have something to say!

bang bang bang.. an empty vessel. My book is filled with empty pages. Tore some of the pages myself. Things written.. rather not written before.

Run.. run with the wind.. run like you haven't got lungs.. run like there's no tomorrow. But still.. someday you'll have to stop running. who you trying to kid? Who'll be there when you stop running? I tot you'd be.. but i was wrong. You never waited for me. All of you never did. You ran your own races.. in your own strides.. in your own paces.. in your own directions.. you didn't think it mattered.

I'd rather run by myself now.. in case you disappoint me again. If i happen to see you.. i'll stop and say hi. but i wont ask to run with you. Dun want the weight of this expectation to root my feet. Dun want to look like a fool again.

I hate myself for rattling on.. and on and on.. but guess who filled my pages. guess who filled my pages with grudge and complaints.. who left me like this. You know who you are.

Dun worry.. i'll tear these pages apart. what the heck.. i'll throw this whole book away.

So what if you can speak? Come back when you really have something to say!

Boom!

2008-04-06T01:23:00.010+08:00

Boom!

i turned around looking from where the sound came from.. i see a wave. a wave of black and white smoke and debris and stone and concrete and steel. like a tsunami.. it sweeps everything in its path.

i see it coming.. My fragile body can feel the shock waves coming.. but i know there's no point running. I stood there.. enjoying the majesty of the moment. Taking in the fact that this is it. i can feel the wind between my fingers as it rushes away from the smoke.. i wish i could run too.. but i'm not the wind. So this is it. where my journey ends. Or at least what i thought.

Before i knew it.. i was before this great wall of destruction.. cliche as it is.. time for once stood still. A final salute.. my last hurrah.. my closing curtain. For once, time stood still for me.

i could see clearly what was in the smoke.. and i know i'll be part of it in no time. i thought in the movies.. your life was supposed to be flashing before your eyes or something. Bullshit. It never happened. Or have i ever had a life worth remembering in the first place. All i could think of is if i was supposed to be thinking at all in the face of my end. i was trembling with fear.. but i let out a grin.. laughing at myself. My eyes could hardly open wide with the wind pouring in. but i had to see this for myself.

It's getting louder and louder. and suddenly, it's here. I dun hear a thing anymore.. like sound just got sucked out of this world. I couldn't open my eyes anymore. I feel my body rammed so hard against this wall that my body flies backwards.. the debris in the air cuts my face and my body.. my lungs ruptured by the compression. I thought it was gonna be quick.. i was wrong. Every cut was ever so vivid.. ever so painful.

The blast threw me so far away.. i slammed against this wall and ended my flight. my arms and legs felt broken from the impact. The blast lost steam and slowly danced off to a whimper. leaving me shattered and bleeding. finding it so hard to breath.. i thought i rather die. on the ash and stones littered floor i laid.. face on the floor.. tats it? thats all? i think it's over.

ashes raining over me in black flakes.. the air smelt like burnt rubber.. my body feels so swollen. i close my eyes. Hoping it'll end just here. The whole world closing in on me.. or did i just shut the world out.

my world is in darkness now. Am i dead? i really don't know. How do i check? It doesn't really matter anyway.

But it sure was fun being blasted away.

Hey.. tonight I'm feeling fine..

2008-03-29T23:17:00.004+08:00

"Hey.. tonight i'm feeling fine"
from a song i've heard this line
laying down my head with my phone by my side
wont you please ring for once this time

Hey.. am i feeling fine tonight?
the wind so strong and i feel so light

made me forget my brooding set of mind

but why don't i see a smile in sight

Are you kidding? You're still waiting?
I've seen mad man saner than you
my phone wont ring.. the smile wont stick
wake up wake up.. silly man.

Hey.. i found it.. i've found the way
Stop believing.. stop .. stop deceiving
I'm never gonna let it go if i keep trying so hard
never gonna see anything with my eyes wide shut

So then again.. dun waste my time
Quarter lifer ain't anymore too young
Say it's over.. Know it's over..
a brand new page awaits you silly man

Hey today i'm feeling fine!
I really am.. i feel so light
silly man.. silly man
i waited so long for nothing

and it took this Nothing to teach me everything else

I dont do rhyme

2008-03-27T01:26:00.001+08:00

MICE MICE MICE... that's where the money is.
that's where i'm going. not after the money though.
How much is a few cents worth? how much is a lot of money worth?
Not much really.. yawn.. working for money? Isn't that a chore?

sneeze sneeze.. please turn of the tap.
If not for my blocked nose.. i could almost smell the air.
Welcoming.. exciting... challenging.. bleeding.. :(
Sneeze sneeze.. my nose is bleeding.. my head is burning.. yawn.. isn't it a chore

Selamat selamat.. stop playing your game..
you come out of hiding and we can all go home.
You can go back to jail.. where they feed you.. clothe you.. groom you like a pet.
Honestly.. the thought of that seems better than the lives of many i know.
Stupid selamat.. waste my time.. yawn.. isnt it a chore.

2008-02-10T23:29:00.000+08:00

CNY CNY!!! -_-"

haiz, big deal.. how i wish i was a kid again. New Year is so much more fun when you're younger.

well well.. been busy recently.. havent got time to come around to blog. well.. life's as usual.. in 8Sig now.. busy busy busy.. doing so much stuff. But still, i feel much better now than i was in 3Sig. ha. Got lots more to learn though.. went in less than 3 months and i'm re-profiled again. argh.. ground zero.. square one! :(

well.. spent alot of money recently.. one particular one really made me bleed BIG TIME!! argh.. thinking of it really makes my heart ache again. Was supposed to be having our poly reunion dinner and ming yan suggested Humble House. Oh gosh!!! i remembered my brother told me it's expensive.. very expensive indeed! I called them up to tell them DUN eat there! haha.. but we still ended up there. :(

Haiz, good thing the company we had was good.. since we spending so much money, we might as well have a good time then. Damn malu thing was that the first dish was YuSheng.. then Humble Hse was quite dark.. we started stirring the YuSheng right away making so much noise.. then we realise a stunned waiter standing beside us holding 2 plates. Only then we realise our YuSheng had no fish and sauce.. only all the vege and redish and stuff. ha.

damn paiseh la.. we told the waiter we actually looking for the raw fish cos we thought it's underneath. haha.. lame excuse. ha. He put the fish and sauce and we started stirring again.. huat ah! haha.

5 course meal... first dish - YuSheng, 2nd dish - Shark Fin Soup, 3rd Dish - snow fish with vege, 4th dish, crab meat fried rice, 5th dish - 2pieces of Nian Kao(New Year cake). I feel the flavour was average.. overrated.. the cost? A WHOPPING $110 per pax!!!! argh! *world spinning, daniel screaming!!!

my most ex meal ever. haiz. dun recommend anyone there unless you feeling really rich. food fare was average..not really fantastic. 6/10.

back to work tml.. ktv was fun.. but they not enthu enough though.. crispina fly me airplane! last min tell me she not goin then she ended up gambling with my mum. haha.

kekeke.. gonna sleep le.. got work and school tml.. An Xin Shang Lu!!!

2007-12-27T18:35:00.000+08:00

Christmas is over. well.. not really, it's never really over. thats not the point. the point is, Christmas is different this year. definately different. i think i gotta start getting used to it. New year is even over.. now's the jan birthday season now. One thing after another.. but it's so different now. Well.. wat was i expecting?

well.. i said i wanted to post after my trip.. but i didnt. i was busy.. i was tired.. i was held up with stuff.. i just plain didnt bothered. i've got nothing to say actually. everyday gone by but i feel so task orientated. this familiar feeling of unsatisfaction again. It's been good actually, better than i thought it would be. But cant help feeling that it could be so much more.

not just talking about church. About my work, about my life, about my family, about my friends. Everyone, including myself, fell short of my expectations. not that my expectations meant anything to them. i'm just sighing. thinking there could have been so much more in my life.

BUT! one thing did surpass my expectations! Toa Payoh HBD Hub foodcourt's ROJAK!!! my mummy wanted to eat over there and go visit the HBD showrooms as well.. but i was thinking " All the way to HDB for a plate of Rojak?!" oh boy was i pleasantly surprised by the rojak!

i walked up to the modern look stall as ordered a $3 plate of Rojak.. the uncle took my money and gave me number chip pointing to the automated number calling machine(those that you'll find in hospitals or clinics calling for paitent's numbers). He told me to collect when my number's up. i was stunned for a moment.. used to getting my rojak fast. this is pretty new.

i saw that my number is still quite some digits away.. went back to my seat to chat with my mummy for a while. She told me that this is the only place she know that has 2 stalls of Rojak in the same food court. the amazing thing is that both the stalls are of the same owner!!!

2 stalls! and i'm waiting for my rojak with a number chip.. either they're damn slow or they're really damn good!. haha. i hope it's the latter. hee.

15mins wait.. it's here! holding the weight of the $3 plate of rojak in my hand.. i can tell the uncle is really generous. the ingredients are fresh.. the you tiao is super crunchy! i cant stop eating! arghhh... damn nice. haha

long since i've been this impressed! must try.. Toa Payoh HBD Hub basement foodcourt!

ha.. sorry for the sudden food craving surge. *slurp

Shanghaied

2007-12-14T15:49:00.001+08:00

i'm back! it's been so long...! (one week actually) ha. but i really missed reading blogs! was trying to blog in china, but you know.. china being a communist country, blocked most of the blogs from the internet over there. sianz. no way in.. no way out.

so many small experiences i wanted to blog on the spot while the memories were still hot, but let it simmer. sianz. ha. well.. still got the photos though. over the next few days will continue to top it up in here. Hopefully i still remember though. ha.

well.. generally, the middle kingdom is fine. finer than i thought. beijing was clean and organised(except for a few kids peeing on public pavement incidents. ha). things werent really cheap unless you go to those places selling AAA standard fakes. but one thing sure impresses, the ladies! oh yeah.. they were more than fine for me. ha. wait wait.. before you condem me into dirty old man region, i'm talking about how they present and carry themselves. ha.

i was wondering, what was different between the girls over there and in sg. well.. i really have no idea.. was it wat they ate? (my shxt does look different from my diet over there.. :x), the weather? cold so they start dressing up maybe? think it's really the whole package. The poise and manners. the dedication and the gentleness they exude.

maybe it's just the girls i met. lucky me.ha. anyway, before their female counterparts in sg start to curse and swear at me, i still prefer local though. they look more comfortable in their own skin, warmer and more welcoming. So support the Made In Singapore lable people! :)

ha. i bet the girls are also complaining about the local guys, but it's just different i guess. China opened up my eyes, and excuse me.. it's not just the girls that are eye opening. ha. they speed at which they progress, that they built, their crazy global ambitions. scary how this small dot is gonna compete with the awaken dragon.

well well.. i'm sitting in mos burger surfing. getting cold in here and my tummy is feeling funny. think i better make a trip to the xi shou jian(wash room in china). ha

*poof*

2007-12-02T20:56:00.000+08:00

goin back to camp soon.. but more importantly.. TML I'M ON DUTY!! sianz.. 8Sig really quite a lot of duty.

anyway.. flying off to China on thurs! hee.. well.. a lot of things for thurs.. glen goin to army on thurs also! ha. all the best bro. may you be like a beacon of light in the army.. never falter to the temptations and coming out a stronger than ever! May you experience God in there like never before! and may our Father watch over you and keep you safe ya!

Just had Glen's farewell hightea yesterday at Raffles the plaza. ha.. food wasnt too bad.. and jackson(100plus guy) popped up with lester! ha.. long time no see. had a nice chat all afternoon. still the same old guy like so many donkey years ago. he said he's back for good this time round.. think he's trying to find a job with the foreign ministry. ha. all the best and welcome back yeah.

watch 2 shows yesterday.. enchanted and Hitman. Loved enchanted! haha. super lame.. happy ending.. just the way i like it. ha. Hitman on the other hand.. well.. bang bang bang.. thats about it. :(

anyway.. grace had her hair cut really short. ha. unexpected move girl! tot i had xi li zun bei le.. but still managed to suprise me. ha. but it looks really cute though. dun worry about ppl laughing or staring ya.. they just not used to you in short hair yet. hee.

anyway.. gotta go. back to camp that is.. yawn. :(

2007-11-28T00:06:00.000+08:00

yawn.. Change of Command parade tml.. Doing Cue master. sianz.

cant wait for sat to come! hee. but it seems band prac.. movie and high tea a little tight to be squeezing into half a day. ha. oh well.. will see how.

sweet dreams daniel..

if i asked you you say yes?

2007-11-26T22:04:00.000+08:00

just finished my CO's evening. For those who dun understand what that is.. it's like a cohesion night dedicated to my Commanding Officer. so eat.. drink.. watch performance.. drink even more.. make noise.. drink some more.

they had a company item competition.. very last min then i was informed. ended up having to represent my coy to sing a song. ha. damn paiseh.. so i picked my fav and most confident song. Xin Ru Dao Ge by jacky cheung! ha.

thats the only song i can remember by hard.. well.. think i did ok.. got lots of positive comments after tat.. but still got 3rd out of 4 contestants. haha. :( anyway.. it was supposed to sms voting. my battalion is 200 strong.. but my coy only 20 person.. ha. not bad that i didnt come in last eh. haha

army's stupid culture to drink beer really bores me.. keep forcing ppl to drink.. haiz.. my guys all look so drunk. but actually quite funny actually. ha. good thing i was still able to stand beer. but my poor s1.. this lady officer.. got drunk and started singing rubbish. think she's not goin home tonight.. probably sleepin in her officer le ba. hee.

anyway.. went out for a walk with jane, glen and yiling.. aiFen joined us for a while after that. Actually went out looking for a place to makan for glen's farewell dinner.. was thinking of utilizing my coupons from the expensive gourmet club i joined on impulse. ha. Buffets at $68++. ha. damn ex la.. good thing i got discounts! if not i think i'll nv ever spend this kind of money on food.

think i'm pretty decided on goin to one of the buffet thingie le.. will be sending out sms invitations by tml i guess. yummy! Ha.

somehow we landed ourselves in Mos Burger drinking milk tea and eating butterflies(fried prawns actually) talkin abt funny subjects. one of them was relationships.. realize i'm really old sch when it comes to relationship. Starting to bore myself. but it was a hearty talk.. abt real issues close to our hearts. long time since i had time like this to talk to jane le. Glen reminded me that before jane and me started talkin.. it was him that introduced us. ha. i was trying to recall.. seems like so long ago. then jane asked me if i remembered what was the first topic we were talkin abt.. i vaguely had an impression.

the funny thing is that both jane and glen remembers! they told me that the first topic jane talk to me about is about her house being hunted! haha. then it all comes back.. i was laughing myself silly inside.. ha.

another highlight was tat i finally got to see silin again! ha. she must be pretty stressed over her exams ba. Hey lady! if you're seeing this.. JIAYOU!!! hee. sorry for almost losing touch with you ya. dun worry.. will wake you up for church if you need morning calls de! :)

anyway.. i gotta be learning to keep in touch with friends.. seems like i'm always lagging behind. Time moving too fast for me.. next year i'll be at quarter life.. that is if i ever live to be a hundred! ha. sianz. but it doesnt really matter bah.. so old for what.

rubbish.. dunno what i talking abt also. anyway..i'll be asking ppl out for dinner. Like i asked jane. but she refuse to eat with me. :( haha. but she has her reasons ba.. dun worry ya.. no ulterior motives .. just happens to have some coupons to clear. If i ask you (whoever you are) for a dinner date.. dun ask me to eat with my mum like jane did ok! reserved dinners for my mum le. it's you i'm asking. ha.

k la.. sleeping soon.. tired le.. nitez

2007-11-21T09:51:00.001+08:00

exam is over! ha. but i think that was pretty old news. 2 days old in fact. thanks God it's over. ha.

i remember just after i finished my last entry.. i met up with this classmate of mine. We talk alot.. but i dun think we really know each other's names. ha. But anyway.. she kept telling me about how stress she was at the moment.. we were just standing outside the exam room.. my mind was pretty blank.. wondering if i should be getting stressed as well. ha

i think she's so stressed because she flunked this module the last sem.. i just told her to relax. everything will be ok. lookin at her stack of well prepared notes.. i guess i should be the one relaxing.

sat done at my table.. as expected.. the air con was cold.. 730 sharp. i flipped the paper and write and write and write... company law and corporate governance.. hmm. good thing my research skills are good.. so open book exams still ok for me. not sure if will pass.. but being able to write till the very last min.. at least i've got things to write about. hopefully the lecturer will give me some sympathy points for my effort. ha.

but things didnt go too well for her.. apparently the tips my tutor gave didnt surface. everyone else studied it.. me? i just got time to read thru my lecture notes. "Good thing i didnt study!" i thought to myself. ha

well.. will see how i did. prepared to do it all over again. but of cos i'm hoping i pass.

k k. time to go for my medical appointment.

Irritating examination

2007-11-19T18:06:00.000+08:00

here i sit at the atrium of UniSim .. 1.5hrs more to the start of my examination. give up studying already.. gonna take a break.. take a deep breathe.. vomit what little i know and get out of the exam room! ha.

i know i've hardly been studying.. it's really hard to when u're working and stuff. Imagine after work and you're all tired and drained.. you look at the stack of notes and books. How to find the strength to study!

really envy those seniors in their 3rd or 4th year.. gonna be free from this torment soon. chatting with them they always tell you that it's really not easy juggling work and studies. I even met this air steward who's studying and he's even married with kids! must be hard for him. at least it's over for him now.

the question now is how i will do later.. am i gonna fail a module in my very first sem? ha. i certainly hope not. cleared the rest le.. my final hurdle. people tell me to pray.. i know.. but i paiseh to ask God to help me when the prob is my own reluctance. But God please help me anyways! ha.

besides my last waiver exam.. tonight's paper is the first is 4years ! i pretty sure it's not just anxiety i'm feeling. it's like when you're faced with something new but yet so familiar. army seemed to have dulled my student instinct.. but thats ok.. i've nv have good student instincts anyway.ha. but one thing army taught me is that there's really nothing to worry about. things probably will turn out ok at the end of the day.

so here i come jumping out the plane without my parachute! i expect to be landing on some tree or some sea or something soft at least. dun mind breaking a leg or something.. just dun let me die. so help me God!

oh brother..

2007-11-18T23:45:00.000+08:00

interesting how my brother turned around since he went over to FCBC. He always comes home with new things to share.. with new experiences to tell me about. made me feel kinda caught in between.

Recently my brother made a hard decision to leave and went over to FCBC, probably because his girl is over there.. and that in their marriage life it's better for them to serve in the same church. and since Bernice isn't gonna come over.. Andrew's over there.

From a lot of views.. it's really a pity. Been in the same church as my bro ever since i've known him as my "brother". ha. Never really thought this day would come. so many things we wanted to do together in church but we dragged on cos i thought we had time in this church. One thing i really regretted is that some time back, he kept egging me on about leading worship together with him. He told me that it'll be nice that we brothers could be leading worship together. but i told him i wasnt ready.. and it's not like we running short of time.

dun know if i'd ever have the chance again. things would be worst when he moves out after he gets married. times when the 2 of us whistling and singing harmonies out of the blues.. talking abt anime.. taking walks in malls talking about nothing. not anymore i guess.

been really reliant on him since i was a kid. i was living a shadow of his life. followed him where ever he went..wearing his clothes.. reading his books.. listening to his cds.. playing his old toys. that was me. Till a point when i hit adolescence that i realise i dun really know myself. hated everything about him.. wanted to do everything unlike him. wanted nothing to do with him. Nothing wrong with what he did.. it's more like hating the fact that Daniel seems to be lost behind the facade of andrew.

but i only realised how close we really are and how i really need my brother when he went overseas for his studies. i was at a lost.. things he was taking upon himself at home suddenly fell on my weak shoulders. I felt i was left without a shelter.

when he came back.. somehow we became really close.. alot more like what brothers should be. He'd be like a wall that i can lean on. A wall i can throw and bounce my stupid ideas and still get honest feedbacks. really thanked God for him.

but even though he's still here.. it feels kindda empty. i'm seldom at home.. he's always with bernice.. and now he's in another church. Feels like i'm standing in the middle of a big field and any direction that i lean i'm just gonna fall flat on my back. feels like this time i really gotta stand on my own 2 feet.

guess it's about time also. about time i woken up. great to see my brother all worked up for God.. really rubbing it on me as well. ha. quite envious of his God encountering experiences.. and wishing ECF could really do more. But i refuse to condemn ECF like so many did. i'm very sure God is still here.. and despite the hurts and incompleteness.. this church will rise up like dry bones into flesh again!

"Again he said unto me, Prophesy upon these bones, and say unto them, O ye dry bones, hear the word of The Lord. Thus saith The Lord God unto these bones; Behold, I will cause breath to enter into you, and ye shall live: And I will lay sinews upon you, and will bring up flesh upon you, and cover you with skin, and put breath in you, and ye shall live; and ye shall know that I am The Lord."

Wedding bells ...

2007-11-17T18:31:00.000+08:00

in church now.. way too early for cell.

just attended Qi Wei's wedding this afternoon. was helpin him do videography cos someone else turned him down and told him i am good in video! *stun* First of all... i dun do videos and havent really done any wedding video besides JingHong's. Which is like dunno how many donkey years ago! The one who recommended me is some one who's whole education is in this field! ha.

I'll gladly help QiWei.. just grumbling at the one who sabo me. ha. hopefully he dun get shock when he sees the footages. i hope i opened up the lens cap. haha. just kidding la.. point and shoot.. how bad can it be.

well.. quite a nice wedding.. simple and neat.. nice and cosy. Met alot of ppl there.. new friends.. old friends.. really really old friends. In fact.. today really met alot of old friends.. not only at the wedding. there was Wayne.. Qi Mei.. Qi Min.. Angel(A.k.a angela to me.. ha) and a couple of others.

nice seeing qi mei there.. still as short as i remember. hee. She told me she's doin accountancy in NTU now. Cant believe it.. her petite figure hardly convincing to be a uni student.. haha.. but time really flies. She's still as lame a ever. Took some pictures together.. forgotten to get her phone number or email add. then can send her those photos. ha. (Anyone has her email? please email me in private. thanks)

Well.. i'm kindda in the age where you watch drama serials where they go weddings and all the uncles and aunties will ask you when is mine.. or trying to introduce girls to me.. sianz. it's jus like tv! oh man! sucks... thats the worst parts of weddings.. fending off these questions. ha.

quite shock to know that Qi Wei is getting married.. didnt know he was attached till like when he asked me for help. haha. i was like "wat! you marrying who?!" ha. but he's a nice person.. plays very nice music and he has a nice dog(Xemien - think thats how you spell his dog), got good qualities for find a good wife le.. haha. wat am i talking about??!

Die la.. if according to my standards then i think i gone case le.. i always laugh at my friends.. i cant play a single instrument.. and every single pet i owned either died or ran away! how am i gonna get married??? :(

good thing my standards are rubbish.. haha. well.. jus wanna wish QiWei and his wife a blessed marraige and that they'll fall deeper in love every step of the way.

will post some pictures here once i get the photos from lester.. the bride's maid is pretty pretty..(sounds weird -_-"). haha. but she doesnt smile.. like as if she dun like them getting married or something. haha. the people beside all gotta remind her to smile. ha. We were thinking maybe it's like those drama serials again.. maybe she also in love with QiWei! but too bad can only be bride's maid. haha. think too much.. nvm. -_-"

think i go grab a bite before cell first.. still got second half of my day. will blog again later tonight.

Contagious Emo PoP

2007-11-08T01:41:00.000+08:00

i'm home.. in chinese pop mood now. ha. just came back from Ai Qin Hai. it is actually a cafe with live chinese pop music dedication. love the place.. been goin there quite often recently and really enjoy the music there. Lots of the singers there are all pretty good. got me all sucked into the music. ha.

but you know what's the prob with chinese pop? the prob is that chinese is very often very emotional.. sianz. but that is also the reason why i keep going back for more.. slurping up every drop of it. haha.

as soon as i settled back at home.. started looking for Sky Wu songs on imeen.com. ha. got myself a whole playlist, indulging in his beautiful voice painted on heart breaking songs about breaking up on a raining night! haha.. what the hell.. break up then break up la.. why must raining night somemore.. not emo enough you see.. that's chinese pop.. haha. love it.

i'm so in the mood for ktv now.. haiz.. which reminds me.. seems like i havent got no more kahkis to sings with me for a long long time already. sianz. Anyone wanna sing song or short of a partner to sing duet? please call 1800iwannasingktv or visit www.danielwannasingktv.com for booking. wahaha

well well.. better go nap le.. long day tml... happy deepavali..(did i spell it wrong? ha)

2007-11-05T22:26:00.000+08:00

another day gone. this week's gonna be a short one.. i'm going home tml night. Cos weds i'm on leave for my medical appointment and my coy outing.. thurs is public holiday and fri i'm on leave again. haha

too bad sat i'm doin duty. spoil my super long weekend. haiz. anyway.. picking fiona up from the airport on weds morning. ha. since i'm on leave and she has an overnight flight. She promised to treat me to her discounted airport meals! ha. but i'll hav to wake up really early. well.. anything for a bite. ha.

one more thing to worry is the retreat on thurs and fri. sianz. supposed to be presenting the worship team's direction for the coming year and stuff.. but seriously, it hasnt been easy. Not when the worship team is still in shambles.. and those people committed also tied up else where. think i'll can only keep it operational at the time being. dun like being in this situation. sianz. what to do.

one more day at work! hope the fire wall works tml.. yawnz

100th post

2007-11-04T20:41:00.000+08:00

my 100th post.. finally.. after dunno how many donkey years.. ha.

i guess i probably gotta blog proper this time since it's the 100th one. hmmm.. lots to blog here actually. so long nv scribble here le. Saddening stuff.. happy stuff.. worrying stuff.. new stuff.. happy stuff... dun think they'll ever fit in 1 blog.

well.. another friend of mine passed away a few weeks ago.. motocycle accident. known him from poly.. not exactly close but we do talk. Especially when he also signed on to the army like myself. this sadness feels funny, like it's not settling in well inside me. Read on the newspaper that his dad went crazy on the last day of the funeral. Only son.. :( when is it gonna be my turn?

Looked him up on friendster, saw lots of ppl leaving msgs online for him.. remembering their moments with him. i wanted to write something too.. then i realise i dun know him that well. but i'll always remember that smile when i always see him. good bye zhiwei.

okok.. career update.. i'm in 8sig now! yes yes.. i failed. failed to fight my way to be an instructor. sianz. but it seems my appoint isnt too bad either. but i cant tell you here what i do.. or i'll have to kill you.. haha. lamez. nvm.. i really cant say though.. but my guys are good... my csm and oc are good.. i dun mind doing anything. by the way.. all my 3sig buddies all coming over as well! haha. no longer bored le..ha.

For those taking exams now.. jiayou! be praying for you people. which reminds me.. pray for me too.. my exams this week and next. 2 papers only though.. haha. but still hope i have time to study on top of my schedule.

Rachael made my day today.. ha. went to the baby room as usual.. the kids were storming all over me! especially jacob and tabael! those 2!!! like monkeys! haha. then so happy to see jonathan finally willing to join the kids upstairs! hee. asked him if he enjoyed himself and he nodded his head with a big smile and mouth full of kway teoh! haha. so cute. but later jonathan sat on rachael's hand accidently.. then she ran to me crying showing me her hand. ha. love her so much! so i carried her to find mummy as she requested. but sadly.. she ditched me after she found jenny. haha.

so sad.. only look for me when it hurts.. haiz. at least she still looks for me. haha.

alright then.. my 100th blog entry. actually no big deal la.. haha. think i gotta go bath le.. goin back to camp soon.

ta ta.

from the motion picture STARDUST :
My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no fits. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine

hello sinful man

2007-10-12T18:12:00.000+08:00

hello sinful man,
what have God done to you to deserve your torment
you shout your love for Him on the altar,
you close your eyes in worship,
you fooled the world before their very eyes.

forgiveness you took for granted,
mercy and grace feels cheap,
you tell yourself it's fine to fall,
cos He'll never know when it's real or false.
silly you, sinful man
you know you've fallen in too deep.

you ought to be shot, to be strucked, towed out of the holy place
cause His name you're not worthy to praise.
stop this act, there's not credit to fool,
there's still time to make amends.

hello Holy God,
what have man done to deserve Your mercy?
Only You can pretend not to see,
how flawed these disgusting man can be.

Cover them with Your holy blood,
call them once again Your child.
I first thought 'Oh silly God!'
but it's me that hurt You most, i forgot.

so sorry Lord for my silly thoughts,
for the unworthy praise i raised to You.
this broken life i raise again
this empty glass i pray You fill.

Take this life and make it Yours
wash my past i want no more.
on the altar once again
Lord be with me, remove my shame.
on this altar once again,
Father, this time i truly want to praise Your name.

2007-10-07T23:52:00.000+08:00

a little boy sat on the fine sandy beach.. only wearing a pair of shorts. his hands dirtied digging into the sand before him. The glorious white beach stretched from end to end.. beautiful... void.. empty.. but beautiful. Sun shining down at mid day.. its rays roasting the sand with all its glory. still.. the little boy sat there.. piling sand.

daddy sits a distance behind. watchful eyes never left him.. smiling to himself proud of his son. but he just sits there. watching his beloved son.

sand on sand, layer after layer. what seems like a mud pile slowly fed on the little boy's ambition and imagination. castle walls.. drawn bridge.. towers and tunnels. the little boy smiled to himself. On top of the world is he.

Mid day over.. the raging sun began to fall.. a film of yellow on everything he sees. the castle is almost complete.. magnificent and grand to his eyes. His dirty hands are tired.. eyes yawned teary. The tide is coming in. He knows.. it slowly creeps closer.. and closer.

Daddy knows too.. he knows all too well.. but he sits there. Smiling proud. watching his son.

The little boy sat before his creation.. he slowly understood inevitability. He sat staring as the waves sweep in and out. slowly consuming his castle till there's nothing left. He understood that it was never meant to be.

Now he stood staring at where he's castle once stood.. now all that's left is an empty space. he turned around and looked at his father. Daddy stood up in the setting sun with arms tucked to his side. still smiling. He knew his son learned something precious today that he couldn't learned any other way. The little boy stood up and ran to his father.. shook the sand off his feet and grabbed on to his hands.

It is time to go home. Home to somewhere firm and forever.

Blood Drive

2007-10-07T01:07:00.000+08:00

almost didnt have to go back to work today. Cos the command post set up was once again delayed due to live firing in Temple Hill. but still.. i ordered 8 30m power extension drums to be delivered this morning cos i thought i would be goin back.. :( bad move.. now i had to wake up early in the morning to rush down to office and to wait for the delivery man to come so i can pass him the 500bucks. then wat? i havent got much to do back at work on a sat morning. bad move daniel.. sianz.

tried to make the best of today since i'm at work already.. zhaoyi was going to donate blood over at HSA in outram.. so i was thinkin i hitch a ride over there and shunbian make my first donation of blood! ha.

i try 2 times to make a blood donation when i was still in jc. Failed to do so cos once i was just having flu 2 days before. so they rejected me.. the next time they rejected me was because the queue was too long and they were closing soon. asked me to come back and queue again after i queued for 2 long hrs!!! well..

This time round.. it was pretty smooth.. except for the fact that i forgotten to bring along my 11b! good thing they acknowledged my drivin license as well. the was no queue.. jus a questionnaire to fill asking if i had sex in all sorts of combinations in the last 12 months. haha. just ticked thru and there i was sitting on the comfy chair in the donation room with a sticker on my chest which reads :"Be Nice To Me. This Is My First Donation". ha.

i'm surprised that they even gave me local anesthesia before the big tube was inserted into my skin. ha. was actually expecting some pain but i didnt even know the tube was already inserted when i looked away! haha. when the nurse wasnt looking... i gave myself a pinch to see if the anesthesia really worked.. hmmm.. really no pain. So i just continue to squeeze the blood pack shaped stress ball in my palm, hoping my blood could fill the bag faster.

took only around 5mins or less to fill the bag.. then this Filipino medical worker came over to retrieve the bag. i asked her if i could give another bag since it took so little time and i'm still feeling ok. too bad.. she refused me.. one person one bag she says.. but i so vividly remembered that my friend gave 2 bags when the blood drive came to sch. but then again.. that was quite some time ago.. they could have changed the policy le..

anyway.. they wrapped up the spot when they injected me with a bandage. At first they were looking in the drawer next to me and they ran out of coloured bandages that dun look too sissy. but they were only left with the pink one. the medical worker held up the pink bandage in his hand and looked at me.. i looked him back shaking my head.. guess he caught my message. ha. i would rather let my hand bleed dry than to step out with that bright pink bandage on my arm!!! haha.

dun understand why dun they just simply use white bandages instead. He searched around and found a purple one.. better than nothing i suppose. i'm wearing long sleeves anyway.. just gonna cover it up with it. ha. later i realised that there is also another green bandage. the one that zhaoyi got. but it was even more ridiculous cos the green bandage had drawings of dinosaurs on it! ha. i was having a good laugh at him.. good thing i didnt get the green one instead. :)

well well.. my first donation.. thats about it. I think i'll carry on to make regular donations after this. Anyone wanna join me please ask me along eh... my next donation is in dec! :) Well.. please be reminded that your blood will alway regenerate de.. you're losing nothing giving blood.. further more.. your giving life! the blood bank is always in need of new donors. so please give if you can. You get free refreshment too after the donation you know!(well.. thats not the point..but it true) haha.

Anywae.. received my results for my Effective Comms. Thank God i passed! hee.. my 8 pages of rubbish at least counted for something eh.. hee. saved me some time and money not to take that module.. thank you Jesus

my first timer sticker.. actually quite diu lian to wear this around. ha

purple bandage.. no dino.

sponge for me to squeeze while my blood is draining outta my body. ha. think it used to be a ball or a heart or something. Now they getting creative already. hee.

part1

2007-10-05T00:23:00.000+08:00

what a long day.. what a long week.. cant remember when i started getting busy. just seems like i've been rushing from one thing to another since.. let me see.. sat? blink of an eye.. thursday is gone as well.. tml's the end of the week again. and so much has happened since.

jackson's wedding, Rev Tony, range, aaft and flunking it, temple hill deployment, paya leba air base trip, plasma galore, black hawk down, ice cream offer 2 for $1.80, new battery. where do i start?

Probably start by saying sorry to the birthday people this month that i've forgotten. Totally lost track of time. i just realise that today's the 4th already. So happy birthday to you know who u are. ha. Well.. i'm nv good at these birthdays thingie. another day.. another year.. may the good Lord bless you all. hee

went to jackson's solemnisation on sat afternoon. a simple affair. too simple maybe. nevertheless, as long as the two of them are committed, nothing is too fancy or too simple. it really is about them. But somehow i got involved as a camera man for his wedding. :(

cant believe he didnt engage a camera man to document this big day! the couple even arrived late for the solemnisation after msging us the night before not to be late! We were all there waiting.. i saw him coming. i stretched out my hand offering my congratulatory shake.. he hands out his palm as well. Our hands made contact. i say " Congrats" but i felt something cold in my hands. hmmm. next thing i heard,:" thanks daniel, can help me take a few photos later?"

he turned and shook the hands all sticking out to him in congratulations leaving a canon ixus digital camera in my hand.

the next thing i know, i'm his wedding photographer for the afternoon. haha.

i kept feelin that they kindda missed the point. Invited friends and signed a piece of paper that they hardly understand. I see formalities more than love. i see protocol more than affections. i'm sorry that i'm saying this. no offence, but that's how i feel. I still wish you well jackson. May God bless your marriage.

Weddings are funny events, especially when you've got friends like mine. Like a army gathering, all my buddies were there. We were laughing at everything and anything. laughed till we all had cramps. ha. it's been sometime. Old friends, old memories, same of affiliation. 1880 sync. ha. Guan Jie was even recalled back to neesoon camp for Silent Mob halfway thru the lunch reception. How unfortunate.. or we would hav hung out a little longer that afternoon already. :(

kindda late already.. still got lots to share.. but first.. gotta catch up on some sleep first. yawn. So to those studying hard now for exams, jiayou! For those who are enduring their work (i see hands raised!!ha)hang in there.. the week is ending soon. For those who are restless from everything else.. sleep early and rest well.. for those who are doing well.. please spread a little sunshine.

Be back tml.. astalavista

2007-09-23T00:33:00.000+08:00

came back from cell group.. had a nice chat with liXia on th way home. We actually took the right bus but the wrong direction home. we ended up in AMK. instead of sengKang. we were so engrossed talkin that we didnt realise at all. hah. So we decided to take a cab back home instead.

Cell was over at jy's place..familar places.. familar faces... kind of like it used to be.. just a smaller group. Really refreshing though. kind of made me missed the good times we had. Thinking of what was broken that needed to be fixed. That if i was something people were trying to fix.. that if i was letting friends and family worry about me.. thinking about old friends.. thinking about new friends.. thinking about money and how overrated it is.. thinking about the beauty of things around me and the things i've missed out in life.. things that i said in the past... things i didnt say.. thinking about the people i havent met.. thinking about cheese cake and a good cuppa coffee.. the things that i wanna try cooking.. the things that i want to try.. about my diving trip.. deep sea fishing...

thinking why am i thinking so much.. nvm me..

i'm hungry.. how am i gonna pass this lonely night without food, beer and company. ha. how else.. just sleep it off i guess. like i always do. Good thing i've got Lisa Ono with me tonight. thanks Lisa.

*i feel nice like sugar and spice! so nice so nice i got you! *

Cough Blood

2007-09-22T10:34:00.000+08:00

yawn... sat morning again. so tired that i slept like a log last night. yawn.. i'm still not awake yet.

my groggy eye lead me to my bathroom where i splashed cool water on my face to wake myself up while i was wondering where is my brother and mummy. hmm. unusual that they didnt wake me up.

felt something in my throat.. tried to cough it out. I spat it out and it was blood! ha.. now i'm awake. i looked at my hands and i realised that they were all covered in blood. Looked at myself in the mirror to find myself having a nose bleed.. chey.. tot i was coughing blood.. so it was only blood back flowed in my throat when i was sleeping. boring. It was messy though.. good thing i didnt dirty the bed with my nose bleed.. or i'll be kicking myself clearing up and washing the bedsheets. ha

Been a really long and busy week.. just back from 2 weeks of off and leave and they worked us like dogs.. projects kept coming in and trials after trials.. furthermore i still had to complete my assignments to be handed in during the week! it was crazy.. when my buddies finished work they were resting.. me? i jus carried on and do my assignment. i wake up at 630.. but i sleep at 2 plus3 am. i'm glad that at least the assignments are out of the way.

Really tough working and studying.. especially in my unit. I'm already takin one module less per semester but i'm still feeling that it's taking up too much of my time. Well.. what to do... made my choice. i should thank God that i still have the capacity to put myself into sch.

Sch aside.. starting to feel unsatisfied at work. Dun find the deserved recognition for the work that i put in.. been telling alot of ppl that i'm about to leave the organisation. That's the fact.. but my OC has been telling me to keep hush on that.. afraid that it'll affect my ranking in the coming year. I guessing i should be running in the top few positions in terms of ranking.. not tat i'm proud or anything.. but i pretty sure that in the place where ppl are under performing, the average performer could actually fly pretty high. And i could safely say that the only competition to those position are my buddies in my company.

then again.. it's not important about these ranking.. there's no difference in terms of benefits if was to come in first or second.. only more work. You doing well so you work more!! work till you're under performing then someone else will take the work. HUH? stupid system. Capable people do more... lazy people do less. but they get the same in return. bravo!

the thought of leaving led me to seriously consider what i want to do when i get out. Been offered a few options already. but i still want to start my own business ultimately. Having failed terribly in my last venture, its surged my thirst for more. ha.

i know why that venture fail.. and i regret it had to turn out like tat. lost a little money(really just a little). paid for a really valuable lesson. i doubt it's really a good idea to do business with friends. so much tat is so hard to say to each other. things that dun make business sense but you had to keep quiet afraid to affect the friendship. It's a really sucky feeling when you know that ppl wants you out and sugar coat their intentions. especially when it's coming from a friend. well.. i guess it's a good thing that it's ended too.

But just for the record, i never once doubt the potential of this company, never once doubt the quality of my partners and never once tot that the partnership would come to and end like this. Hope you guys will carry on to do well in your own private ventures eh.

though i know my commitment has been minimal, it has really been a highlight in my life.

ok ok.. think i better go catch some lunch before my mum or brother come home to find me dead on my laptop with my hands shafting paper in my mouth to curb my hunger! ha.

Durains tonight.. hmm. how unusual.

Mid Autum Fun with the kids!!

2007-09-17T01:07:00.000+08:00

Had a weird and tiring night.. no doubt a wonderful time at vikki's place on Saturday night.
i guess it was meant to be be get together bbq after dunno how many donkey years. Aloy and estee was there..GuoQing came too.. Lots of ppl.. But i didnt really feel like mingling.. probably too tired after a whole afternoon doin STATS! Stupid stats! ha.

Ended up i went to relief some stress by spending time with the kids. Brought them to the play ground.. telling them nonsensical stories that made no sense to me(they made me tell stories.. so i told them glen kor kor tripped and fell over his armpit hair.. they actually tot it was funny.. haha).. playing pesi cola 123! (lost every single match to the Quek brothers!! ).. taking photos and teaching them to take photos! haha. so much fun.

Jacob boy was a terror!! goin around pulling ppl's shirt with that baby face of his!! almost ripped my shirt off too! hah. the quek brothers almost slammed my camera on the floor while fighting over it..(most of the shots below are taken by them!!) Rachael taking the slide dunno how many donkey times that even i got tired of watching her go up and down again. ha.

but the highlight of the day was when karen ran and give me a big hug out of nowhere! haha. so cute and chubby. Wat a day.. washes the stress away.. brings in a whole new batch of aches and pains in my back carrying them all night. ha.

Raphael.. my fav little boy!!

The Quek brothers in KungFu Poses! and they took the photos by themselves for each other! not bad rite!

Grace's naughty "boyfriend". ha

Raphael again :)

Tabael in another KungFu pose. ha

how could i forget my little princess Rachael!

waiver's over! :)

2007-09-14T01:06:00.001+08:00

done with my waiver exam yesterday! ha. i think i haven't written so much stuff for years!! my hand is still aching from all the writing.. too much of typing already. ha ha.

well.. was actually quite scary going for an exam unprepared. it's a waiver exam, which means if i pass the exam without taking the lesson, i'll be exempted from taking the module.. which also translate that i save money and i say time!

but then again... whoever said it was easy to pass something you know nothing off. :(

actually, that's not entirely true.. the subject is Effective Communications. The hard part is in not knowing what is expected of my answers in terms of academics. Not that i couldn't answer the questions.. i just don't know if i answered them the way they wanted.

Thank God that i was a History, Lit and Econs student before! even though that was really a long time ago (6-7 years in fact), my short stint of writing essays every day then came in really handy today.

Eventually, i wrote 8 pages of rubbish i give up.. i not hoping for a good score, cos all i need is to pass to not take the module. hee. but part of me already told myself to prepare for failure.. just in case. ha. well.. not many ppl passes the first time ok.. if i really do pass.. it'll must be God's grace! :)

well well.. it's over.. dun wanna think about it.. still got 2 more reports due.. plus 2 more video presentations also due next week!!! sianz.

That is not including work yet.. sianz.. how did i get myself so busy!!?? tat's my choice i guess. :X

Sanfranz!!! You.. you...ruined my blogging appetite!!! argh!!!

2007-09-11T23:21:00.000+08:00

I'm on leave!!! hmm.. or 5 more days till i get back to work. The glass is half filled and half empty. so?

By right, i should have been very excited about the end of Army Open House and start posting stuff about it. But i didnt. not that i didnt want to.. but i just didnt. Not that there's nothing that i want to remember from it.. but i just didnt.

why wait till now? i have no idea.. i think that indian guy from India really threw me way off.. pissed me so much that i have lost the appetite to blog anything at all.

so before i tell you about AOH, i wanna bitch about that Indian guy who still gets on my nerves when i think about him!! (mind me for the language. ha)

AOH ended last mon night.. it was great. but one thing really hung at the back of my head. I had a project dateline on Tues might. worst of all.. it was a group project. Really had to apologize to the rest of my project group that i was really too tied up to give them any of my stuff before hand. I had to complete the designs.. write out the design brief. that was about it. i told myself that the work i almost done.. and i'll be able to finish it on tues afternoon. and i did.

rushed to sch from work tue evening.. walked into my class where they were already there.. including sarfranz<---- the indian guy. He was there looking at me with dagger eyes. As if i killed his family or something. Then he asked me a question.. rhetorical or was it sarcasm.. i couldnt tell then. he asked how i was doing. i was like "huh?". He knows i've been busy.. asking me tat question in tat tone and that eyes.. i dun know how to reply him. But i said i was fine.

within mins i and him were into and argument with him lecturing me about time management and that i should have done my work earlier (when he only finished his end of stuff 2 days ago!!!).

i know.. i should have stayed up late like 2 or 3 am to do up my stuff and wake up at 630 again for work. but i didnt.. cos i know i wouldnt make it thru AOH like that.but it's not like my work wasnt up to standard.. and he lecturing me those time management bullshit is not gonna help with anything at all! "..so will ya shut up?! " i was thinking.

didnt want to quarrel with him.. i jus kept quiet doin my stuff while the rest of my teammates look thru my work. The rest of them were ok.. but he wasnt satisfied. Give me the i could have done better look. (i really dun understand.. i'm the designer guy and he's the networking guy.. how could he have done any better when dun even know wat design elements are?!) I remember he insisted that i copied my design from SONY for the advert when i design the whole ad by scratch. i even checked that the original SONY ads are totally different.. but he feels that it's too professionally done to be my work! wat crap!!!

the whole night.. he was jus up against me. watever i did was not good enough when he didnt even read the stuff that i do. Let's say the design brief.. he didnt understand wat a design brief was and then he insisted on findin it out from the text book. i told him i should know was a design brief is because of my professional training.. but he refuse to believe me as wat i told him didnt match the text book. (the text book had absolutly NOTHING about design brief!!! It was a marketing book for GOd's sake!! not a design book!!) He insisted that all the answers should come from the text book. So he grabbed the closest thing to a design brief.. components of an advert. ???????????

we consulted with the lecturer as we couldnt come to consensus. She like my work apparently. He kept quiet when she was around. Once she's gone.. he said he'll continue to do it his style!!! "i think we'll still stick to the text book.. you cant be wrong following the text book" he says! argh!!!!.. stubborn mule!!! dunno whether to laugh or cry!!! ha.

it's all wrong.. he simply ignored the good work that i did when he really didnt even bother to look at my stuff. He still got the cheek to ask me to contribute when he got stuck with the work. i was fuming mad!! it's been some time since i raised my voice.. i told him..:"Apparently you havent read the stuff i wrote.. the answers are all there!!! if you just want to follow the stupid text book then what for you wanna get a tertiary education!"

i was serious.. industrial experience counts for nothing in his thick skull if it aint in the text book. then he might as well jus go buy some books and read it at home! why you need an education for? so that you continue to lose your reasoning abilities and just follow the TEXT BOOK!?? Text books, especially marketing ones, are merely are written by man who writes based on experience. situation changes and alot of things are arguable. but not too him.. the text book is the word of God!!!

i cant stand him!!!

thank God the group assignment is over and i havent killed him yet. I most definitely had the intention to! ha.

No relevance..jus wanna get it off my chest. phew.. i'm really feeling better. think i finally could continue to post other stuff already.ha

anyway.. tml's my waiver exam for effective comms. havent written an essay in years.. hopeful i'll be able to make the mark. if not i wouldnt be able to waive that module.. :( not expecting to pass though.. jus gonna try. all the best daniel.

AOH posting..?? another day perhaps. yawn. Remind me nver to group with Indians from India ever again.

oh baby!

2007-08-27T00:28:00.001+08:00

babies made my day! especially yesterday.. went over to Jotham's 7th birthday party. time really flies.. i remember when he was jus a little kid.. and now he's all grown up already! ha. (not as in "grown up" kind of grown up la..grown up as in "talk back to you rebelliously" kind of grown up. ha). But honestly, the little ones are still my fav. Hee.

Went over to jenny's place to chat up and play with her kids after the birthday party. Her daughter is my fav of all the little toddlers! she looks so much like precious moments doll! haha. but dunno why she normally shuns me.. or rather all guys. but tonight was special..she warmed up to me eventually. :) like they always say.. a bundle of joy... mad screaming energetic bundle that is.

here's some picture from that night

this is Raphael! my second love. hee. he fell on his face trying to step on ballons. poor thing. :(

the Quek family with the birthday boy Jotham in the middle. Samuel is the proud father gleeming. ha

this is my beautiful little girl! rachael! muck!

Looking at her.. how i wished i had a kid of my own jus like her! hee. well.. they all grow up so fast. gonna miss them at this age. sigh

Hey grace.. hope your night's a little nicer with those kidos photos for you ya. hang in there.. :)

2007-08-22T00:05:00.000+08:00

was jus reading a asian gay activist website that i came across. sad to say.. the gay scene in singapore is very much "alive". Seeing how organised this gay society is scares me. Disscusing deep into policies and diplomatic impacts and legislations that is either for the gay community. They even organises events and gatherings, to attend gay film awards or even a 2000 strong gay cruise trip! how sick is tat!

the worst thing remains that this site heavily condemns the Christian community for pettitioning against gay rights in sg. They describe christians as hypocrites who irrationally discriminate gays and suggest that we take muslims as our "enemy" and conspiring in our private moments in our cell groups becos we afraid of the goverment.

At first glance... i find it quite a joke and doubt anyone would actually lend all these articles any credibility. However, i looked further in to the circulation of the website and saw that they hav a pool of registered members clocking over 200, 000 ppl!

i know alot of this number are "members" out of curiosity but that is still an alarming number. I can't imagine if Singapore was to give in to them someday.. i'll be so dissapointed with the gov.

In the site, they mention some Christian anti gay activist in our gov that are heavily rallying to ban the gay movement and are so far successful in their effort. Good job guys! We definately need more christians in the gov especially in the circle of policy makers.

I pray God forgive this nation for this grave sin that you warned us so long ago about and may our God continue to reign over Singapore and pour His wisdom on the leaders of this wonderful nation that they will not be blinded and conform to society. Heighten their sense of righteousness.. be they christians or not.. let them see for themselve that this gay movement is really only a decay of the worst kind in our society.

2007-08-06T22:30:00.000+08:00

matt called just the other day.

and i thank God he did. He called all the way from Australia.. the way he described it.. he was standing in the cold at a phone booth making the call. Was really nice to hear a familar voice that was ever so positive.. ever so sincere and honest.

It was a much appreciated phone call.. pretty much timely as well. Funny how he called to say how much he really enjoyed spending time with my church band.. or my ex-church band rather.. and how much he was looking forward to come visit the band again when he comes back.

I was dumbfounded for a while thinkin of a response.. wondering how i am gonna explain something i've been trying to figure for the past few weeks to a concerned friend.

well.. i was just glad he called.. cracked me up with his silly jokes like he always do. Eased away some tension of how i was gonna give him a politically correct answer without dumping in my irrational and bias inputs. But i'm sure he understood.

Do take care my friend. really miss those simpler times. be awaiting your safe return. We'll go crazy doin silly things with weihwa and gang again. ha

Fall in Love with Olivia

2007-08-03T00:18:00.000+08:00

Bought myself another cd this year. 2 cds in fact. But the one that made me smile was definately Olivia.

Born in 1985, Olivia Ong debut happened on an international stage at the tender age of 19. Born and bred a singaporean, discovered by a japanese producer and moved over to japan to develop her singing career.

'Fall In Love With Olivia' is her 5th album i think. nothing really special about her songs actually. In fact, 90% of the album are old songs, but there's this beautiful quality to her voice that jus captures me. It's light jazzy tune and clear voices adds a degree of credibility to the lyrics.

Classics like 'Sometimes When We touch' and 'First of May' were definately my fav tracks. love it so much that it's on repeat on my mind right now.

Feels like i'm in a different place.. away from all the bustle from work, away from responsibilities, away from expectations, away from dissapointment. Just the kinds of thing i was looking forward to.

Really good chill out cd. Highly recommended. Second to Corrine. Which reminds me.. tml night's her concert. sianz.

2007-07-14T00:25:00.000+08:00

It hurts when it hurts. There’s no need to justify the pain. It’ll still be the same. The damage is done. I’m not saying that I’ll keep rolling in it.. but the last thing I want to do is to kid myself that I’m ok with it.

I’m not ok.. far from it. Not sure I’ll ever be. If I had a choice.. I wouldn’t let a lot of things happen in my life. Things that very much affect me but yet there’s nothing I could do to avoid. The only way I was taught to deal was to accept it. Knowing well that everything is in His hands and that His will is in it.

But like I said, it doesn’t mean that knowing that fact makes it feel any better. Just gives me the will and motivation to bear the pain till it’s gone.

recently my heartbeat has either been faster or harder. I’m easily anxious about things, easily depressed. But me being me, continues to hide the anomalies going on. I’m disgusted by myself that I’ve becoming such a natural at it. Always a smile on my face when people are around when I know inside this whole spectrum of emotions and frustrations are raring to show!

I know I know. It’s nothing new about daniel. I’m bored too. But life is not in my favour. At least not now. I’m waiting for things to happen.

I hope it will..I know it will.

starting school tml.. a new start? or more hell to bear?

2007-06-23T10:44:00.000+08:00

it has began..

not exactly the best of weeks i'm having here. besides me on course and taking a break from work.. everything else is either worrying me.. saddening me.. making me angry and even sometimes troubling me. I cant even sleep properly without thinking about these things to bed.

i should hav expected it.. the aftermath of Rev Chen leaving. It was really dead quiet the next few days after sun. My hair was standing. Everyone had their questions but no one asked.. so no one answered. People who knew kept quiet.. ppl who thought they knew let their half truths stir in them. People who didnt know continues to scratch their head. That is the begining of things to come.. the disgusting silence.

i dun assume i know the whole story.. i dun intend to. i just feel that things are done terribly wrong to manage this "crisis"(if i could call it). It's making things worst.. people are hurt.. ministries are disrupted.. people telling me they're leaving(i'm not sure if it's for the right reasons), telling me to "open up my eyes wide and see".

i gotta say i was hurt to a certain degree.. but i understand. but more so.. i'm not blind. i see the great divide. i see the things that they are doin to each other. Obviously this is a people problem. I cant bear to let it hurt the church. It's God we serve. No one else. i'm not in ministry to please man or to pleasure myself.

I love this church so much. Not only because i grew up here. it's the relationships and bonds i made here. The things God let me experienced here. The promise of so much to come in here.
The kids.. the youth.. the elders.. the aunties and uncles.. the people who were never into church politics. Here enjoying the the presences of God and of each other. the exact people who will be the victims if the church was to undergo another exodus. This much i know i'm not wrong. God isnt done with this church.

I really cant figure how some people could one moment tell me that they had great visions for this church and the next moment give up on it! Doesnt their vision counts? it hurts.. it sure does. but hurtful words are not gonna make it better.

i apologise if i offended anyone in anyway. This entry doesnt represent the views of anyone but me. There jus isnt enough clarity and love in this church. Everyone's hiding some agenda from each other. I'm jus frustrated.

I claim this church in God's name. No one else.. no other names. I pray God send us the wisdom and love to tide this time over.. and really fullfill the intent that God wants us to be.. as one.. to glorify His name.

In Quietness and Confidence is His Strength

2007-06-03T20:28:00.000+08:00

Where can i find the strength to carry on from here?

"...In quietness and confidence is My strength."

Was thinking of this during sermon this morning.. a simple msg.. spoke right to my heart.
So where is this quiet confidence? to me.. it's in the knowing tat everything thing is in His hands. No need for panic.. no need for anxiety..the thought of it simply calms and warms my heart again. In quietness and confidence.. hmmm. sounds good. feels even better.

Lester's out of hospital.. looks really pale. trying to cheer him up a little. gonna ask him out after the camp. about time we caught up with each other. funny how it feels to see someone everyweek and yet still misses them. Guess it's not about seeing each rather.. but more of living each other's life that really rids us of the loneliness.

finally after dunno how many donkey years i pick up the table tennis bat once again. ha. really had fun today. my usual tag team partner(lester) not around. sian. but not a prob! i've got Grace with me today. haha. havent lost a match with her around.. not that i'm lousy la... jus that she's pretty good. (pretty and good?hmmm.. wat say you grace? haha). really brought back lots of memories of my sec sch times when i and lester play table tennis every day till like 11 pm!!! haha. think i gotta pick this up as a regular sport since my knees failing on me. sianz

goin back to camp soon. yawn. went to Mayday's concert last night! not bad.. free tickets somemore. haha. quiet enjoy myself. thanks chunsi! ha. next time got free tickets remember to find me.. not only chunsi.. anyone.. any concert.. anyone needs a date.. a bodyguard.. a chauffer. anything ya. haha. if i'm free i really dun mind. :)

goin to church camp this thurs.. so gonna be a short week! yeah! hee. mon got event.. weds i goin for physio.. so i only gonna work for 1 and half day! ha. i love this June!

back to work. ciao

black and white

2007-04-08T01:13:00.000+08:00

dun really wanna blog nowadays.. got nothing to say anymore.. i feel like i'm living in a mime. lost my voice.. jus watching my black and white life go past.

in this black and white mime of mine.. there is this little window. A window where i'd always take a peek. Peeking at the world outside.

outside this window is a beautiful world of colours.. rainbow splashed.. i hear laughter.. humming of songs.. sounds of wind running thru the park. the sight and sound of a world i dun belong. I belong to the black and white mime.

i dun remember having to try so hard to be happy. not that i'm not. just tired tryin and sustaining and losing it again. things were easier before. everyone's trying with you. and slowly one by one found out how.. and u realised u're trying to smile by yourself. wondering wat's wrong with yourself.

the thing is.. nothing is really wrong.. nothing was ever wrong. you jus simply long to reach out to another life. then you realised it's not about being happy. it's really about lonliness. i'd rather laugh and cry and whine and do anything together with someone rather than alone. but then again.. you're never really alone. you jus chose the people you want to do them with. people reaching out to you.. you're reaching out to someone else. everyone's neglected. But of cos those who found each other has a different story.

work has dulled me.. people has failed me.. the world is laughing at me.. and worst of all.. i cant stand me.

people telling me they were afraid to talk to me.. telling me they were kept their distance from me. i really wonder wat kind of a person i am. i guess the smiles i'm seeing all these while aint real. at least most of them. if i had the chance.. i'd really wanna meet daniel.

wat's keepin me awake? unsatisfaction i guess. people telling me things i dun understand. people shunning me.. i dun understand. people expecting me to do things that they think i ought to.. they dun understand.

good thing one thing i do understand.. this tv is a colour tv. only the program is black and white. all i need to do is to change the channel.

2 things.. i gotta first find the remote. And i kind of like watching black and white oldies. Maybe i'll hang on a little long to see wat happens before i channel surf.

guess you'll never really know

2007-03-25T18:32:00.000+08:00

relationships of all kinds breaking down everywhere.. so fragile.
between lovers.. families.. friends.. nothing is really forever.

scary how people change.. how people forgets their commitments and the things they said before.. scarier how people belittle the consequences for unworthy causes.

even marraige meant so much less nowadays. the band and binds 2 lives together? seems like it's only binding when they're in love. so much for "for better or for worst.."

someone told me to find the right person.. but i guess you can only ever find the right person for tat particular moment.. will i ever know if that person is really the right one for me for life? what if some time down the road.. that "right" person dun feel so right anymore?

guess you'll never really know.

People say change is the only constant.. i say You Lord.. You stay the same.. faithful as always.
Put God in the center of every relationship.. may it stay the same too. thats all i can say.

i saw passion die

2007-03-18T07:42:00.000+08:00

shook myself awake.. almost fell off the couch i was sleepin on. still grabbing on the the green cushion.. still wrapped in my blanket with the funny odur. i realised i was panting.. my eyes puffy and swollen as if i've spent the night crying.

Must be a bad dream.. flipping thru the recollections of my dreams last night.. only to find i wasnt too good at remembering dreams. But one thing i do remembered.. almost vivid.. i remember i saw passion died.. and i cried.

still on my couch.. not asleep anymore but i closed my eyes trying hard to remember wat made me cry so hard in my dreams. Then i saw his face.. Mr Cher.

Mr Cher was my primary school teacher.. he taught me science and english. He was one of my favourite teacher and i always enjoy his lesson and excursions. His hair looked like a wig to me.. but then again.. who would put on a greying wig. remembered how he'll always pull the hair on my sideburns when i "forget" to hand in my homework once... and again.. and again. ha.

To the primary school Me.. he was jus a nice teacher.. treating us to little treats and movies when he could. but when i looked back.. there was something different about him. His dedication to his job and his passion to teach and mould lifes thru unconventional methods really impresses me.

kindda think of it.. it's been so many years already.. i havent seen him in at least the past 5 to 6 years.

in my dreams.. i was jus walking along a crowded street with a chatty friend. that friend kept talking to me about something.. dun remember.. wasnt interested. once in a while i'll look in his direction, smile and knod my head if case he found out i wasnt listening.

i kept looking forward.. from afar.. i saw a familar face.. thats him.. Mr Cher. Dun know why.. a rush of warm air just flowed thru my heart.. the kind of feeling that u get when u saw an old friend. He didnt see me. i walked over.. intently decided to say hello.

finally when i was approaching him.. pushing thru the crowds.. he saw me. he was at first smiling and talkin to his friend. but when he saw me.. that smile jus eroded. He looked stern into my face.. i know he still recognises me. holding a ciragrette between his fingers..the stern look started to fade. there i was standing.. i didnt know how to react.. he didnt seem like the Mr Cher i remembered. His eyes look down.. as if ashamed of himself.. i didnt dared to get any closer.

i'm not sure if he's still a teacher.. dun know wat he's done to feel this way.. but he's totally a different person from i've known. i saw that passion in him die before my eyes. i jus stood there. watch it die.

my eyes went blury with tears fillin it up. He looked like an empty shell to me now. i couldnt take it anymore..i turned and walked fast.. didnt want to run.. dun wan to seem like it mattered.. trying to hold back my tears.. fearing ppl would be looking at me. but more importantly.. he didnt catch up.. he didnt even try. i cried even harder.

shook myself awake.. almost fell off the couch i was sleepin on. still grabbing on the the green cushion.. still wrapped in my blanket with the funny odur. i realised i was panting.. my eyes puffy and swollen as if i've spent the night crying.

wonder how he's doin now. wonder why i had this dream.. i never want to see passion die again.. not even mine.

just thinking

2007-03-02T22:41:00.000+08:00

sometimes i sit around thinking... thinking about u.. thinking if u were sitting around thinking about me. Not sure if you did.. even if you did.. you'd probably be thinking in a different context.

does it matter?

honestly, it does to me... but then again... i'm jus thinking.

Posting : Signal Institute!

2007-02-04T00:34:00.000+08:00

so tired goin thru the whole spectrum of emotions.. everything is driving a part of me.. from work.. to business.. to friends.. to deaths.. to His spirit. Thank God He kept me in check.

tot this week was supposed to be a slack week.. being on course and stuff.. end up being one of the longest week i had in a long time. Packed my schedule to the max. trying to settle as much as possible before heading back to camp again. Drained me mentally. THe good thing is that i slept well this week.. so tired that i fall right asleep once i hit the bed. ha.

By the way.. got my posting le. Thank God that He took care of things for me.. i'm goin to Signal Institute! hee. probably an instuctor there.. gonna free up alot of my time for Iimagine and for church. but actually quite sad having to leave 3sig.. more or less rooted here already. Quite exciting to finally get a change of enviroment.

too tired to carry on.. nitez

keep walking

2007-01-31T17:52:00.000+08:00

I jus kept walking.. i think it's far enough. Forgotten how long it took us to get this far.. even the memories tire me.

Wondering where this road will end. Come on..i kept telling myself.. jus keep walking.. take a break if you must. but jus keep walking.

took a breather.. i think it's long enough.. when do i stop walkin? where am i goin? Or rather why am i walkin? i really dun remember.. the rain has stopped.. the sun is out.. but still

Back at where i began. The spot i took my first step. the spot i revisited so many times.. i think it's long enough. maybe i never left the spot like you said.. maybe.

The rain is gone.. the sun is really up this time round.. does it matter? i think it's long enough.. U were walkin away from me while i was foolishly following. I tot i'll eventually get somewhere.. eventually. Someday, one of us will hav to stop. You stopping for me.. or maybe i'll stop walking.

I think it's long enough.. so where we walkin to? not gonna last much longer. but jus keep walking please.

Someday.. one of us will hav to stop walking

2007-01-27T10:41:00.000+08:00

yawn.. it's sat morning again.. aching all over from SOC and all the runs everyday last week. my back seemed strained.. shoulders tensed.. calf feels like goin into a cramp anytime.. the gel pads in my knees wearing thin.. ankle seems to have cracking sound. haha. oh man.. think my body's broken! haha. actually no that serious la.. jus need some rest. :)

will be on course for the whole of next week.. goin back to Singapore Poly from mon to weds! ha. always so exciting to go back to my alma mater. Missed the foodcourts over there.. especially the fc6. the thing is i've forgotten wat course i'm attending and where i am supposed to report to le. haha. think better make some phone calls tml to find out.

about time for me to post out of 3Signal finally.. so where to next? recently there has been alot of talks of where all the 2sg will be posted to.. and i thank God that ppl are giving me alot of attention and fighting for a good posting for me. But then again.. "good postings" are not wat i actually wanted. To my bosses.. being a instructor means to be condemned. But thats wat i wanted to do. They intend to put me to some high profile battalions to groom me and expose me.. but then for me.. all i want is a more regulated time so that i can do more stuff on my own. Teaching is something that really interest me as well. Dun want all the knowledge i accuired from 3Sig to go to waste.. haha. well.. it's slacker over at Signal Institute as well. ha.

Already told my bosses of my intention to leave army and told them to leave the chance to groom me to someone else. Really appreciate wat my superiors are doin.. but sorry.. i've got some other plans already.

still trying to comprehend the situation. Seems like a new start.. but kept feeling something is amissed. Like i'm starting to watch a movie from the middle. Kept asking myself today.. why is it happening again? this time i know i really suck at this.. blank as a paper... as lost as a boat in the ocean. only in these times i'm truly dumbfounded.

kept wondering if i am begining to be a nuisance to her.. and either i'm too insensitive to notice or i think she's not interested in my bullshit. ha. i really dun know. if you're reading this.. i'm sorry. Just hoping we'll drop the facade this time round. tell me if u're angry.. tell me if u're frustrated.. tell me if i'm appreciated.. tell me if i'm wrong. i really wanna make it work this time.

you're right. it's true.. we're different ppl now. and i really hope this time the outcome would be different too.

2007-01-21T23:35:00.000+08:00

the dog lie sleeping on top of my monitor..

how many years was that already? 8? 9 years?

and you're still sleeping on top of my monitor.

hmmm... sweet dreams then

2007-01-19T01:26:00.000+08:00

Praise the Lord for He is Good!

Havent felt so drained in a long time.. but it's different this time round. Drained jus physically.. worked hard.. trained hard. No doubt i'm tried. But i thank God He refreshes me.. i go to sleep with a smile.. He lets me know that it's all gonna work out.. took my fear and anxiety and threw it out of the window.. Restored my faith.. no matter how small it is. He didnt let me go.

I really wanna turn things around this time.. my life.. my work.. my relationships. Thought through again and again.. like xav said.. wat was the root of it ever falling apart? i knew for sure it was my inferiority complex. then i tot again.. wat i'm fighting now isnt really that, but more of suffering the damages done by it before. In the name of Jesus.. i rejected the spirit of inferiority. Knowing for sure i'm worth so much more than i could ever comprehend. Thank you Jesus.

Wat's happened has happened and wouldnt hav happened any other way. Hurts and regrets in those foolish years... i've had a few.. maybe more. But still i thank You Lord.. moulding me thru the years. this year will be a brand new start. i wanna root myself in Jesus. Enough of knocking around in the dark. Tell me wat You want me to do Lord. Your intentions will be my actions. i cant do it by myself. so Help me Lord.

It still feels like the first time .. dun give up on me please

Funerals and babies..

2007-01-13T12:40:00.000+08:00

Just got a msg this morning that YaoQiang's dad passed away. so sudden. Heard he fell and hit his head. not too sure.. but then again.. Life really is fragile. Pray that his family will tide over their lost at this time. A little numb goin to funerals.. suddenly so many ppl goin away. It's was nv really about the deceased.. it's the ppl who are drawn that intrigues me. so much life coming together to mourn the end of another's.

read it somewhere that 2 things draws ppl together like nothing else on earth.. funerals and babies.. becos everyone knows deep inside of the fragility of life. Funerals.. not knowing when it will be our time.. and babies.. reminding us of how we started. The begining and the end that draws ppl together. wat an irony.

Something incredible happened the other day.. maybe to others might not be such a big deal but it's absolutly incredible to me.ha. I felt like a huge rock lifted from my heart.. knowing that she didnt close the door. i'm so glad things are moving now.. i know things might not end up like i would have wanted. But i'm just glad things are anything but the way it was before.

But still.. i'm askin myself how.. at a lost of wat to do too.. ha. it's been so long.. well.. i'd jus take things one thing at a time.

Delighted someone pressed the "reset" button. ha. Thanks :)

2007-01-06T22:27:00.000+08:00

it's really scary when you're so caught up with something tat u're begining to forget wat matters.

dun remember how i got here since my last entry.. so busy with events like Christmas and new year and .. and.. erm.. actually i dun know why i'm so busy. Just hate to quiet down not becos i'm afraid that i'll start thinkin abt things.. it's more that i'm afraid if i quieten down.. i might realise that there really isnt much to think about seriously in my life.

is tat true? i rather not find out. drowning myself with work.. finally heard something that recognised my efforts. Heard from my CSM that i'm ranked among the tops of all the 2sg in the BN last work year. I smiled at the news.. but then again.. wat does it say? nothing much tat really matters. End of the day.. i'm still lonely.

Yeah.. friends. I have quite a few.. but it's really a different space they fill. why is it that i keep feeling lacking? So many issues unsettled with myself. this feeling sucks. Especially there isnt much ppl i'll open up to. Really need more avenue to unload these frustrations besides work. Yawn.

Did something really stupid the other day out of folly.. dun know if it's for the better or not. She's keeping silent all along. Thats the worst thing of all. Can hardly remember wat i wrote at all le. shucks. Forget it..

Why am i always complaining? is it becos of the flu? i cant tell anymore.. yawn.

2006-12-13T00:54:00.000+08:00

ever felt like you were deep into a conversation and unwillingly you fell asleep... only to jerk yourself up and realise that the person you are talkin to is still on the same topic.. However u kept feeling that u missed something?

well.. nothing much to bring back from aust this time round. Had a lot of time to myself though.. wanted to think thru some stuff with the time i had. Didnt really work out. I chosed to leave it aside. Took a good break in the middle of the outback not thinking abt anything.. or anyone rather.

had a good time getting to know the ppl in my node a lot better..all the time we had in the 14days out field. Gathering at the camp fire for warmth and comfort from the freezing cold. Pouring out from jokes to opinions to problems. Fighting for impossible links.. thinking of ways to fight boredom. Definately wielded everyone together.

but still.. it always felt empty at the end of the day when the fire chills. Like something is unacomplished. well.. nvm.

beautiful stars.. once so familar.. nice to see you again.. throwing stones.. carving wood.. evidence of our boredom rolled through out the hills.

thats wallaby... again. loved it.. cant wait to get home. Now i'm home.. cant wait to get back there.

tot i didnt miss much from my absence.. guess i was wrong.. ppl pretending i didnt miss much.. such disgusting pretense. You didnt bothered.. end of story. Wat else could i do? something's churning inside.. unsettled rage tat everyone is painting a false picture for me.. pacifying me.. marked me as if i was gonna be difficult. Tagged "Approach with caution" label. Please tell me i'm wrong. i probably am. I usually am. i never know. i tot i didnt care.. but i do.

nvm.

Another goodbye

2006-11-19T00:52:00.000+08:00

flying off again.. last night in singapore. For those who dun know.. i'm off to Australia Shoal Water Bay Training Area for 3 weeks for ex Diamond Warrior.

hmmm.. guess this is goodbye for the next 3 weeks. Weird to say so.. quite in a spot whether or not to leave. But this is for the best.. need the time off.. dun wanna leave my friends and guys behind for ex as well. So there i go tml.

yep.. as easy as it sounds.. it's hard to drag myself away rite now. Gonna miss so many ppl and things back here. *if you are wondering rite now if you are one of those ppl... take heart that you are. ha* :P Why do i always hav to leave at these kind of times.

Can still remember my last trip to Australia.. feeling kind of the same rite now. But situations and ppl changed.. why am i still feeling like this. Probably it was meant to be. Got a feeling i'm gonna do something drastic when i get back this time. maybe i will.

so take care everyone.. take care of my family while i'm away too. Goin into a period of construction and deconstruction. hopefully coming back anew. New beginning.. new courage.. new song.. new view. Just brand new.

Luvya all.. love you most.

But will you ever know

please remember...

2006-11-17T21:37:00.000+08:00

Yes yes.. i'm flying off this sunday morning.

Stop asking me ya. You'll know i'm gone when.. well.. when i'm gone i guess.

something's really weird recently. think i'm havin mood swings. hmmmm... i dun quite understand. The world seems to be a colder place.. where "warmth" hav been placed in the freezer and love sounds so much like a distant word i tot i heard before

however, i still long for warmth and love and crazy passion in my life again.. like the feeling of star dust sprinkled in the open skies and the moonlight shimmering in the glittering silver seas.. Like walking on freezing cold stormy waters.. like being dragged gliding thru the lovely medows of magnolia in crystal sunshine... picnic under the milky ways.. champagne.. clashing waves and bewitching breeze.. shooting stars and jazz playing from the heavens.

haha..

think i'm gone. think i'm crazy. think i better not think too much.

Good think i'm goin aust. need a little of e wilderness to calm me down.. 14 days of nothingness again. I could get used to it.

dun miss me when i'm gone.. i doubt you will. In that case.. dun forget me too.

Dun have the rite words to say
Dun hold the world in my hand
Wish i could fly thru the air like your hero
But i'm jus someone who loves you...
thats all i am

Heart Of The Matter

2006-11-13T23:45:00.000+08:00

one of my favourite song. by Don Henley.

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined...
People filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us,
Doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, Baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you

Been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

Back to life

2006-11-12T20:23:00.000+08:00

still adjusting back to life after my granny's gone.. suddenly after all those hospitals trips and funeral preparations, seems werid trying to settle back into life again.

Almost forgotten how my schedule was supposed to be. Was i supposed to be meeting someone? did i hav something to do tat i havent done yet? a little lost now especially when ppl dun inform abt events when they think that i probably not ready to go.

well.. dunno how was i supposed to respond to their "kindness". rather them not be so sensitive and let me get on with life. So many changes around.. feeling numb on so many issues.. sick and tired to keep up. But realised i dun have to. I'll jus stick to my own pace maybe. So wat's next?

Dad came back for granny's funeral. Spent quite some time at the funeral with him. Dun know if only adversities can bring my family together. Well.. appreciate the time alone together with him though.. kind of think of it.. i dun remember ever having private times jus him and me alone chatting besides when he stayed up with me during the funeral.

Feels kindda werid.. gotta admit i always had my bro as a buffer between me and my dad. The dad i knew was really thru my brother's experience with him. Guess he probably feels the same way.. knowing me from my bro.

I imagine it being quite interesting to know your son grew up into a man, slipping my whole childhood and teenage years passed him. Wonder wat he thinks of me. but honestly does it matter? Time really does washes alot of things away.. no long blame him for wat he did.. no longer bother actually. Just hope he'll steer away from shame and come back to Christ.

I know for sure he still believes in God.. he's the one who brought my mum to church. He's the one who planted the seeds of slavation in his family. But i guess its his guilt and shame oust him from our church.

After so many years he finally came back for a visit.. his old khakis all trying to grab this old friend for a chat. Cant help but wonder how my family would be different if he stayed behind and all those things didnt happen. Well.. i thank God for wat ever had happened.. for watever happened happens and couldnt have happened any other ways. ??? wat did i say? dun understand. haha. jus glad i turned out alright. Thank God for my mummy.. staying strong all these while for us. Told myself i'll nv leave my wife like he did. dun wanna miss out a single moment of my kids growing up.

well.. jus glad everything seems to be turning out alright. Thank you Jesus for this truly alternative childhood! ha. Guess it's back to camp tonight. That person that is sick and down with sorethroat(you know who u are. haha).. take care ya.. will keep ya in prayers. Remember to eat your medication if u need too ya.

nitez

thanks

2006-11-10T00:19:00.000+08:00

First of all, just wanna thank everyone who helped out at my granny's funeral..especially jy, vincent, xav, phoebe, guoqing, gemi, lester,prudence... i know i'm missing some ppl.. so if i did, please forgive me. Even those who came and sent your condolences. On behalf of my family.. i extent my heart felt thanks to all of you.

been a terrible 2 weeks.. wai po (my granny) passed away on monday afternoon, 5:27pm at SGH. Long story about the whole process and i dun know where to start.. but really learnt and saw thru alot for the past 2 weeks.

For one.. i witnessed my granny die before me.. and the process was more than memorable. Her heart beat jus slowing little by little... called in by the nurses to see her for the last time. stood there watching her fade away.. while there's nothing we can do but watch her slip into a flat line. Machines piped into her from all over.. sustaining her dear life so mechanically . but yet.. death never seemed so certain before.

Well well.. death is one thing.. life is another. Only thru losing someone dear that i truly understand the joy of our believe. Believing that granny is truly in a better place.. with God right now. How His consolation washes my tears away. i cried in the ICU before she passed away.. i was crying for my living granny.. after she passed away.. i havent had to cry. Kept feeling this peace and joy and relief for my granny.. ever so sure of her salvation.

Thank God for saving her in her old age.

not gonna carry on here.. lots of things to say.. but i'm too tired go on. Collecting her ashes tml morning.. i better get some sleep. i'll keep posting soon.

Lost it..

2006-10-29T20:20:00.000+08:00

times like this i feel so dry.. cant seem to squeeze much out of my life. Makes me feel so dead and lifeless when there are actually so much goin on here. lost my keen eye on life and its little details.. lost the will to take time to smell the roses.. lost the heart to appreciate things around me.

Many interesting things happened in my life recently.. jus dun bother mentioning.. dun know why.. sudden lost the words i suppose. Even took up dance lessons to try freshen things up.. still not working so far. Argh.. i need to find some things to do to excite me again.. but sometimes i feel its really the company that really perks me up. Nope.. not tat the company for the things i'm doin really bores me.. but there's just something missing. this feeling that i'm longing for more.

Wat am i looking for? I really dun know. I know i've got all i need.. but i want something more.

Looking forward to you

2006-10-18T00:12:00.000+08:00

Is there a time of the day that you're looking forward to? i jus realised i do.

it's really a wonder how it hit me.. now that i'm waiting for it everyday. Now it marks the end of my day.. usually with a smile of cos.

I dun know when it started.. a simple msg.. a gentle gesture.. some genuine concern. been so long since then.. now i can hardly sleep without it.

i guess you dun know it.. (do you?) or maybe you're not sure, like me.. too. Watever the case.. i guess it true.. i'm looking forward to you.

i'm smiling myself silly.. i'm laughing at myself sometimes. One thing for sure.. u sure make my day.. any day. Its amazing how u do it. feels familar.. but so fresh this time round.

So do i hav a favorite time of the day? i'd have to say.. indeed i do.. Ever since you crossed my world.. i'm looking forward to you.

Unfeeling show.. unfeeling me

2006-10-15T23:25:00.000+08:00

back from the movies.. went with a whole bunch of them.. wanted it to be a quieter affair but 10 of us went anyway.. Caught World Trade Center at VivoCity after much protest and debates and of cos comments from ppl telling me its not a nice show. ha. well.. then show wasnt too bad afterall.

one thing is i somehow couldnt get into the movie as much a i wanted to.. my mind kept wondering. feeling so detached from the show. Further more.. was sitting on the very first row.. my neck was stiff as wood!

well well.. nothing much to say about the movie.. hardly feel for it.. hardly feel for anything things lately. Hardly..very hard indeed. Not as sensitive and emotional as before as when everything seems to excite or engage me so easily. I really need a good laugh or a good cry.. or something extreme to excite my senses again. All i can manage now is a smile.. or at max a tear. i could see the point.. the values.. but thats about it. Thats all i could see.. nothing much i could relate. so distant.

Having some misunderstanding with a frien recently.. not sure if misunderstanding is the right word to use cos i hardly understand his situation myself.. hope everything is alright. dun know wat to say to him as well. so i shall keep silent. pray tat God takes over the situation. thats all i'm entitled to do i guess.

Thank God for it.. Thank God it's over

2006-10-01T00:34:00.000+08:00

I'm so tired.. Thank God it's over! *Phew!

was really quite amazing tonight.. finally the mid autumn festival gig we were supposed to day. Had butterflies in my stomach all day! ppl teasing me and CONSTANTLY reminding me of the performance the whole day! Oh man.. that sure added to the mounting pressure thats already there.

the evening was rather wet.. but thank God it didnt rain. the turn out was quite healthy for a community event.. (think there were at least 3 to 5hundred ppl there) Well.. at first the crowd was pretty dead. was getting worried i wouldnt get a response from the audience or maybe our item wouldnt strike a chord with them. Nothing much i could do either.. so decided to go on the lantern walk with the kids to destress! haha.

grabbed Tabael with his choo choo train lantern and started running after Jojo! hee.. dead tired when i came back.. couldnt keep up with a 4yr old's pace. haha

finally.. when it's time for us to go on stage.. my heart's nearly in my mouth.. all i remembered was i went up and blabbered some rubbish.. then on i go with my song.. haha. THe band was great.. warmed up the whole crowd. I saw life shot thru the audience.. aunties started singing.. arms waving.. and of cos.. my pillar of support from my beloved church behind the crowd.

God has been good.. fumbled on the lyrics a couple of times. (hope nobody noticed.. hee) but the overall response was very encouraging. My first public performance.. and i'm glad God pulled us thru so well.

Recieved an encore after our 2 songs.. think they jus wanted to drag some time but we definately at a lost cos we really didnt prepare for an encore. Talk to the band and we decided to do Yun Shang Tai Yang(Sun beyond the Clouds) for the encore. Honestly, i was quite worried about he reception.. cos it's a Christian song.. but God had His ways. He planned that song as a blessing and a testimony for the community. Everything turned out beautiful.. our church ppl worshiping in the crowds. jus like wat wenxing and i imagined. starting to enjoy myself on stage. hee

Dr Fatimah(MP for Marine Parade GRC) asked for Paul and me after the event.. so we went to hav a chat with her.. think she was rather impressed and was asking if we were interested to participate in more of those coummunity events in the future. haha. God opened a way for His purpose to shine thru. We agreed to lend our talents if they ever needed and there she goes rushing on stage for the lucky draw. hah.

wat a day.. wat a day. Thank God for it.. Thank God it's over. Glory be to God. :)

well..

So what will it be?

2006-09-29T23:43:00.000+08:00

read an interesting passage today. It goes something like this :

"A particular song hinges on the words: "If I never loved, I never would have cried." It's all about protecting oneself from being hurt by removing oneself from what one perceives to be the source of the pain. I think we can all understand these feelings having been hurt by relationships and finding, even for a season, a certain consolation in being alone. But I think we also would agree that isolation is never the answer to this kind of pain. To love anyone is to be vulnerable and open to being hurt. Love and pain go together, and the only true answer to this dilemma is to welcome them both.

Love costs. Think of what Christ paid when he embraced us. Think of the pain the Son of Man endured in loving a lost and wayward humanity. Love is never without pain. When you sign on to a relationship, you sign on to being hurt. Count on it. But who wants the other option?

C.S. Lewis once wrote about a place where one can be free from the "perturbations" of love. (Perturbation, by the way, is the state of being perturbed.) That place is one's coffin. Can't argue with that. Nothing can get through to you there. So Simon and Garfunkel and C.S. Lewis agree: There is a place you can be safe from the painful aspects of being in a relationship with others, but who wants it?

What would make Christ go through what he went through for us? Love and all the rewards it brings in warmth, companionship, fellowship, and joy. Nothing brings more meaning to life than love. True love is what God is and what we were made to know with him and with each other. Because of what Christ accomplished on the cross, the pain of love will one day be gone. And even now, we can experience its victory.

So what will it be? The high cost and vulnerability of love or the loneliness of isolation? A rock feels no pain, and an island never cries. But a son or a daughter knows a warm place in the family of God.

It's important to know your options. "

2006-09-29T15:49:00.000+08:00

Seldom eat brownies.. always thought it's a little sweet.

But it's different this time.

It's still sweet.

But this time.. it tasted jus rite.

hmmm.. i wonder why.

Thanks

i know u didnt make it.. but it didnt matter..

cos i know i wasnt really tasting "it" either. ha

alright alright... i must admit.. I'm bias. Anything from you is good. :P

thanks. :)

Jiayou eh.. 11days more! hang in there ya!

a different level

2006-09-24T23:42:00.000+08:00

well well well... sunday night again.

recorded 2 songs in church today while practicing for the community event next sat. singing 2 oldies-- Yue Liang Dai Biao Wo De Xin(The moon represents my heart) and Wo Zhi Zai Hu Ni(I only care for you).

not as fruitful as last week though.. could tell some of the band members seemed quite bothered with other stuff. well.. we managed anywae. Ppl were telling me to be more commanding during the prac.. but i realised this isnt my time. It's a youth initiative and i've been approached to lend my vocals.. so thats it.. let then sort things out themselves then.

but still.. the recording was interesting. Listening to myself on record.. judging myself. Even now as i'm typing.. the 2 songs are on repeat. haha. Cant stand it.. hearing all the embrassing flaws. think i need to work on my pronounciation and cut that irritating vibration thingie.. ha. used to think it was interesting havin the tone vibrate.. but it totally sucks when it's out of control. Worst thing is that i'm so used to it now.. oh man.

singing for me has come to a different level now.. nope.. not a higher level.. jus a different one. Guess i reached a point to realise that there's nothing special about my vocals and there really is not much more to improve.. and again.. Nope.. not becos i'm too good.. but becos my vocals are apparantly not too good for singing. But still.. thank God for this wonderful gift of passion for singing! Good that i realise that i wasnt born a singer.. which means.. doin without the talent portion.. i gotta work harder to sing smart.. to master within my limited range instead. thats the different level that i was talkin about. If i can only play one piece on the piano.. i wanna make sure that one piece is really good! : )

well.. havin said all that... i must admit i'm no where near anywhere. I'll keep practicing though. Someday this voice will touch someone somehow.. so help me God.

30th Sept.. Joo Seng.. evening.. songs and moonlight... jus for you.

back to bed.. yawn.

MC! :x

2006-09-18T16:23:00.000+08:00

On MC today..mild food posioning it seems. Slept in till 11. (dun be jealous grace. :P)hee. long time since i had that much of sleep.

yesterday was terrible.. feeling cold and aching all over.. tummy wasnt feeling well.. feverish and a little short of breath. All i knew was that i was leading worship in the morning.. prayed really hard.. hope i wont collapes on stage. ha.

God was good... He held me up when i was on stage.. couldnt feel my weakness during worship except that i perspired alot more than usual. But the moment i stepped down.. my whole body gave way.. had a good nap though out the sermon.. (oops. ;p). feel alot better after that. but still.. i was dragging my body around.

Got 2 new Jap friends in church today.. they attending a language sch in sg and came to our cell on sat night. well... not much ppl attending to them so xav and i was chatting with them during lunch time. to be honest.. it was a little tiring to do so.. felt like i was entertaining them.. cos i know at that moment i'd rather rest in some corner in church than be at the hot and stuffy coffee shop trying not to show my weariness, trying to commute in our semi english-jap conversation. Any other day would be fine.. jus not today.. not now.. i looked around.. everyone in their own little world.. well then. If everyone seems like tat.. it could only be that its me that is in MY own little world again. ha.

well.. guilty enough that my friends hav to cover for my work today.. goin back to camp soon. feelin much better now. Well.. think i better buy some supper back for them to apologise tonight.

alot of counting down recently.. exams and deadlines.. As for me.. i'm counting down to my wallaby trip.. dreading it more and more.. but then again. hmmm.. wat can i do about it. Gonna bring some sand back at least. the only thing i'm looking forward to. haha

Back From Malaysia

2006-09-05T01:51:00.000+08:00

haiz.. vcd couldnt work.. wanted to watch "Il mare" since i took 2days of leave. but the show i borrowed from xav jus wont play.. irritated.. but well.. spared me some time to do other things as well.

anywae.. Il mare is the original korean version of LakeHouse. i watched it on tv before but that was like at least a good 4-5 years back.. can hardly remember the details already.. finally hav the time and the disc but it jus wont play.. argh.

Anywae.. came back from malaysia over the weekend on a short mission trip with the youth of my church. Quite an eye opener for me as i can hardly imagine that the ground could be so hard and so thirsty. More than ever that i saw that wat ai qiu jie was doin there was more than necessary. Cant imagine how dissappointed and reluctant i was when we went doin street evangelism door to door. Doors slammed and dogs let lose.. not an uncommon sight. but thats jus the adults. On the other hand.. the youth are really curious and thirsty to know about this God we're talking abt. But they are simply so shy and reluctant even though they're interested.

Went streetE on the streets instead.. much more fruitful there.. shared 316 with them in chinese.. fumble and stuttered the first time.. but God was gracious.. didnt make me lose face.. haha. My faith and confidence grew as we kept trying.. encouraged by Grace(liyun) who was right on the other side of the street. I realised 316 is an opener and there's so much more to share with them.. and that u've gotta speak their language.

Learnt it best from Brother Huang from Ai Qiu jie's church. Amazed at how he captured the attention of the few young gansters speaking of the topics of their interest and how he came right back to Christ! so simple and effective.. had my chance to evangelize to some of those gangsters.. and really had a tought time keeping their attention while the others of his friends circling us in motocycles laughing at us. But u could tell the 2 of them we so intrigued when i told them that death is not the end of the road of life. intimedated by his friends.. had no chance to pray with them. Invited them for the event. But end up one of them too shy to come. saw him outside the church but was too late to call him in. looking from a distant, he rode away the moment he saw anyone coming his way. I pray God will bless him all the same though.

the youths are so receptive that i did the sinner's prayer with quite some of them rite on the streets.. we were so fired up tat we preached to anyone we saw on the streets.. and God is good!
But one embaressing thing is when i saw this girl who slipped pass ted on the streets.. i came up to her and asked her for 5mins of her time.. the next moment she went shouting " JIU MING AH(HELP!!)!!!" and ran away. haha. i was laughing at myself.. thing the whole church was laughing when i told them. well well.. what did i do man. can be i look tat scary can i?

in between.. we had practices for the evangelistic event on sunday nite.. i planned some songs to "present" as they say we should tone down alittle. but i know for sure it's worship for us all. had this short skit as well before mushi's call. managed to squeeze in some games .. wait.. no.. its silly games in between.. haha. doin some posture of animals.. but really fun.. everyone making fun of Grace's signature move during the July's skit. ha. poor grace.. her whole face was red when we all did the the action for photo taking. whahah. somemore they all very bad keep targeting Grace in the game cos her LuoHan fish posture too easy le. haha. (*who told you to chose so easy posture!haha):P

Had lots of good food there as well.. lots of ppl treating us.. eating on a bugdget that never seemed to deplete. haha. first time trying banana prata by Grace's introduction... cutted open the prata and some stuff flowed out of it.. tot i was oil.. a little disgusted by it at first.. but realised it's not oil but melted banana in the prata!!!! wow.. give it a bite and it was really great! haha. think really need to go on diet man.

the ppl over there also got us deserts and liang char( cooling tea) to drink.. it was too much for the mere 15 of us.. and someone made me drink so many bowls! :x haha. super bloated. was telling them i'll turn into the merlion vomiting if i drink anymore. haha.

well.. on the night of the event.. everything went well..as usual.. i'd stumble with words on stage.. good thing God is always in control. Liyun ROCKS! turned the skit around. simple stunning on stage with her stand up comedian talents that totally went out of the script.hah. i was laughing my head off. thanks to her.. the audience was very much more involved. Many of them accepted Christ during the call and alot of us was supposed to do "Pei tan". i came down from stage a little later.. so i saw most of them already entertained.. then i saw this group of 6 guy standing around.

tot there must be at least one of them there who accept Christ.. so went over and ask. i asked," hi guys, so did anyone of you put up your hands jus now?" all looked at me and shook. i was like... oops. haha. i was expecting to speak to the one who accepted only. but God had other plans. they happened to be part of the more beng group.. but God give me the courage to push a little further. I told them since they havent decided.. i asked if i could share with them for one last time. THank God they all obliged! Got them seated on the floor and grabbed a copy of the 316 file.. shared with them again.. told them where they were standing at the crossroad where their choice is clear.

they all listened intently.. i was getting nervous and excited.. i didnt lead them to do the sinner's prayer immediately.. i shared with them a short testimony of how i questioned God and got a fulfilling reply in peace and joy in my life! then i asked if they believe a little in wat i believed. they nodded. Asked if they willing to accept Christ and they all smilingly agreed. Thank God. felt the group was too big.. so i asked sunny to lead half of them in the sinner's prayer while i led the other 3.

after the prayer.. felt a strong prompting to tell them something very honest. i told them that we'd only be here for this event.. and we wont know if they're coming back to church after tat.. but i told them to promise me that even if they left church they'll pray to Jesus in times of trouble and joys. Taught them to pray a simple prayer. tats all i can leave with them. I could feel their appreciation. i hope they felt more than tat. Felt really great reaching out to them!

i turned around.. saw the Lims at work. haha. Ted was busy taking photos with his legion of female fans while Grace was the last group still left in the church still chatting up.. saw her from afar trying to answer those little girl's questions with her chinese.. haha. wished i had my video cam. but the girls was still intently listening to her.. so tats a good thing.ha * Grace your chinese not too bad eh.hah. jiayou k.. send u to china to evangelize next! ha)

God is good.. had my doubts for my reason to help out there.. tot i was running away from something. but turned out not. God planned it all. Thank God i went. Opened my eyes.

SOme of them goin back this fri to help out.. but i cant make it..so sorry. Well.. back to the dreadful reality for me. But i guess i've got another mission now.

long post.. sleepy eyes.. good night :)

2006-08-13T23:12:00.000+08:00

9 August-national day.. a day our proud nation flunts of it's little achievements to the world! and do i feel a part of it? of cos i do.. realised that however little i'm involved in this year's parade or any nationalistic events.. my absence didnt translate to a dip in my nationalism.

knowingly or not.. i've been talkin to my men and specialist in camp about the need for a conscript army and how everyone holds this piece of land together for a purpose. Service to the republic is not a matter of choice but a matter of surviability. It aint gonna be comfortable..and some ppl feels its a waste of time.. no one every liked their freedom taken away. but still.. it's necessary.

everytime i talk about this topic.. this sense of nationalism rises within me! haha.. i'm laughing at myself. well i do get a kick everytime i get an audience for a topic like this. think the last time i was talking abt nationalism was with this NSF of mine who was very negative about National Service. i was jus casually talking to him and the next moment i had a small crowd of 6 ppl before me..haha.

Deep inside.. i know for sure that this country is sound.. from the political point of view.. to the military point of view.. and most certainly so in the Christian point of view.. so wats not to be proud of this national day?

spent tat day in a different fashion this year.. went blading at east coast in the afternoon with grace and eda! ha.. think it's at least 5-6 years since i last bladed.. and poor somebody.. can skate but cant brake. had to grab lamp post to brake. hee. sorry baby! got so many brusies..especially on your.... ha. poor thing. glad your bruise getting better.. if not i really starting to feel guilty le.ha

so long since i last skate.. totally washed out after it.. made my way to town for dinner and rushed down to kallang hoping to catch a glimps of the fireworks for the national day parade.
settle outside the people's association's gate and found a "cosy" spot to jus sit around, chatting and watching the sky light up in flames and sparkles!hee.

long time since i did anything like tat.. location wasnt perfect.. but the companion was fantastic! thanks. long trip home.. didnt mind.. didnt hav much to do anywae. Long since i had anyday even close to this one.

more than nationalism.. much more than that to make it this fun.

stars are fading

2006-08-09T03:04:00.000+08:00

it's 3 am in the morning.. i'm dead tired.. i've got an early appointment tml morning.. going roller blading in the afternoon with grace and eda.. got programs planned at night as well.. then again.. wat am i doin here!?! I ought to be on my bed sleeping isnt it?

cant seem to dive into my bed for cover tonight.. tired as i am.. i really dun feel like sleeping. funny why ppl are asking me if everything's alright. Is anything supposed to be wrong? Or is it my msn nick? it's really jus part of a lyrics again.. sad as it might sound.. it's really quite positive to me.. stars fading and i stayed behind.. this sense of silent resilence.. like a shoot sticking out on a mud flat after a slide. How ppl interpret it is really a matter of their current emotive mindsets. Doesnt matter anyway... i know i love the mental picture of the sentence.

i remember a time when i was caught in a position of ironic confessions of a close friend who told me of his romantic preference, which sort of conflicted with mine. Only that my interest was covert. I know not wat was expected of me to perform.. friends on one side.. love on another. hate that feeling. but it was all over. thank God. we both didnt get the girl. haha.

wat now? i see a glimps of wats to come.. a shadow of the past. but this time it's different. i'm laughing. laughing at how i manage to make it happen again. Laughing at how it is affecting me to the point that i can hardly sleep. laughing at the consequences to losing someone dear again. Ha.

stop talkin to me will ya. somethings i really dun need to know. Stop making me feel obliged to give it up when i havent even tried.. stop making me feel like i have to make adjustments becos you spoke.. stop making me feel u know something but yet you're jus waiting for me to say it instead. Stop making me feel like i did something wrong to you. i know it's not your fault and u probably didnt mean it. but i cant help it either.

all i wanna do now is sleep and not feel guilty.. wake up and not feel like i cheated. Thats all.. it's not a game.. it's not a match.. it definately is not a war.. and sometimes it isnt fair.. but the stakes seemed so high.. so simple.. and so delicate. how did i get in the picture? i'm sorry.

dunno know i i got here.. jus let my finger slap the keys.. nothing much more to say.. ciaoz

another day.. another year..

2006-07-28T18:48:00.000+08:00

a week past that day.. that day that i was born some 23 years ago. wondering why i dreaded it so much.. so afraid of the spotlight. thinking about the things i did when ppl tried to celebrate tat day for me.. or rather throw me a surprise party. And of cos how they got a trashing from me instead of appreciation. ha. silly days.

finally found how i really wanna spend these special days.. with the weight of the world laid down.. with the most comfortable company of friends.. knowing well that they remembered.. and they well enough that thats all i ask of them. Peeerrrfect!

thanks to all who who remembered.. and showered your gifts and your love. Got a gift package from someone.. ha. long time since someone put in so much effort for me. the jelly so yummy that i only realised that it had my name on it when i finished eating the "D" and the "A". ha. so sorry. The interesting looking pot of onion which was supposed to be my face?hee. Loved it.( i'm still watering it k :P) And of of cos my piece of heaven that fell from the skies filled with stars! ha. thanks. It's been really special.. more than anything i could ask for.

Got a little something for myself as well. saw Nicky Lee's album on sale.. some how it's been pretty rare to find it in local cd shops and suddenly it's just there. $10.90. brand new cd that i've been trying to find for so long, right before me at an almost half priced discount! felt familar with an experience jus a year ago on the exact same day where i bought myself a cd on impluse and fell in love with the album. All i knew of the album is that Nicky Lee sang it. Period. not the songs or watever. in fact i didnt even know any of his songs. i jus knew he sings good.

well.. all i can say is that i'm more than glad to hav bought that album. jus my kindda sappy sappy R&B album. loved it.. tune stuck to my head. ha. Satisfied. Hmmm.. might jus buy myself a album every birthday from now on. ha.

not gonna complain about work.. jus that i'm dead busy.. and am gonna be like this till..hmm.. let me see.. next chinese new year? about there i guess. sorry if i neglected anyone ya. really sorry that i cant commit as much as i like into IIMAGINE as well. haiz.. working on a crazy pace now.
so not worth mentioning.

nvm.. happy days ahead. i know i'd make it thru with You. ;p

2006-06-19T00:04:00.000+08:00

Ever wondered how it feels to touch a life? i did.

i read somewhere that every life that u partake in the course of your own.. u change something.. you'd mould something. I wondered how different would the lives of ppl be without me. How my life would be different without the friends and ppl around me.

everyday.. i brush ppl by.. flashing a smile.. shaking a hand. How does it qualify me that i touched anyone's life? why would it matter anyway. i really did wonder if i made a difference. i hope i did.

2006-06-11T22:30:00.000+08:00

finally the pace is slowing down.. exercise period is over. think my unit is gonna go into a period of lull. so glad. feeling sick today.. woke up feeling like i was swelling all over.. my eye balls.. my face.. my head.. like some one stuffed tissue into my head. sucked.

worst of all.. i had to be leading worship.. so glad it nv really was about me. God took things into His hands. Felt so weird on stage.. dun know wat i was saying.. my eyes was tearing for nothing. Cant help but want to get off the stage. Not sure if it's me thats feeling listless or everyone else looked listless to me as well. Oh well.. it's over.

Over with the June birthday season.. havent got time to get anyone of them any presents yet. not my bro.. not gemi. not anyone at all. guess they werent expecting anything eh. The funny thing is ppl start coming to me asking if i did anything silly again. asking wat i got for her.. they wouldnt believe i havent gotten anything.. i cant believe it either. ha. like i said.. i really hoped it really could matter more now. But i guess somehow i'd get something for them.

Heard from Gemi about her new job.. i'm felt really happy for her. God really blessed her tremendously.. and i thank God for that! ha. Quite exciting when i was hearing it from her. she seemed quite happening these days.. always having wonderful testimonials. Envy her walk with God.. but definately happy for her. Jiayou eh.

Church camp up next! One thing at a time daniel.. one thing at a time.

midnight mumble

2006-06-03T23:56:00.000+08:00

been around a month since i came back from taiwan.. but somehow i didnt came here to doodle some thoughts. not that i've got nothing to say.. jus that i'm starting to be afraid that people would read my thoughts.

Seemed like things have been spinning around.. work.. relationships.. family.. etc. but somehow i still feel like i'm back to square one. Sometimes i cant help but hope things could be more complicated than it already is.

so wat is it gonna be?

Birthday season again.. andrew..vinc..matt.. and of cos gemi. all so dear to me. Didnt seem so important to me this year though. i'm sorry. wished it could matter more.. guess its like you said it.. it's never gonna be the same anymore.

i'm missing my friends.. joseph... matt.. weihwa.. eddie even. feels so far away. Hang in there ya.. dun want wat we hav to ever fade away.

tiger stride next.. i'd probably take a stroll. good night my dear friends

Signing Off

2006-04-04T21:22:00.000+08:00

Bye ppl.. flying off at 230am... be back by 29th May.

Please keep me and my family in prayers! My phone will still be active.. feel free to drop me a msg or a call if there's anything urgent.. shoping list or anything at all.

Seeya soon.