Before You, i am nothing
i had nothing,
no identity, no worth.
To the world.. i'm worthless.
But i'm precious.. because You said i am.
And suddenly, i have everything.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
The measure of a man
Wat makes a man? How do we measure? By deeds? By conduct? By acheivements? By whose.. or rather wat standards do we measure our values?
i've been wondering. Instinctively, i turned to the internet, hoping the information highway might hav something to say.
My inquiry returned pages and pages of non conclusive crap.. some leadership philosophy and mainly lyrics of a couple of songs of that title. One sung by American Idol runner up, Clay Aiken.. the other older song by the same title sung by none other than Elton John. Ironicly, wat would a self-professed homosexual know about the measure of a MAN? I checked the lyrics.. it's true, he knows nuts about being a man.
Anywae.. my search on the internet cast more shadows than it shed any light at all on the suject. I'm not here to answer that question.. i've got no idea wat that ideal measure is or how i measure up to that standard. However, i do know i've been searching the wong places.
Think the answer is probably in that book on my table called the Bible. I'm sure it's in there.
i've been wondering. Instinctively, i turned to the internet, hoping the information highway might hav something to say.
My inquiry returned pages and pages of non conclusive crap.. some leadership philosophy and mainly lyrics of a couple of songs of that title. One sung by American Idol runner up, Clay Aiken.. the other older song by the same title sung by none other than Elton John. Ironicly, wat would a self-professed homosexual know about the measure of a MAN? I checked the lyrics.. it's true, he knows nuts about being a man.
Anywae.. my search on the internet cast more shadows than it shed any light at all on the suject. I'm not here to answer that question.. i've got no idea wat that ideal measure is or how i measure up to that standard. However, i do know i've been searching the wong places.
Think the answer is probably in that book on my table called the Bible. I'm sure it's in there.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Been too long since i blogged. Not than i havent got the time.. lots of time the past 2 weeks to jus slap a few lines.. but somehow i'm dumb strucked infront of my computer.
I think i'm the number one fan on my blog (not sure if ever more than 5 person ever reads my blog..ha), and everytime i read it as if it's written by someone else. It intrigues me wat this guy daniel has been goin thru. i'm sure i'd be laughing at him if i ever meet him. Cant help but feel a certain proximity to him. Maybe i do know him. Who knows?
Its been an amazing spiritual journey the past 2 weeks. Seeing how God is working. Thank God for the front row seat that i've got. He's given the Youth Ministry so much relevations and visions. Something we havent seen happening before. The Flame of revival so surely befalling upon the church. He seems to hav got something for me to do. I'm listening.
Never felt so assured of His plans in my life.. feels like i'm taking a bus home.. no idea which route the bus is goin but i know for sure i'm goin home. I'm still human.. sometimes i'm still afraid.(okie okie.. most of the time i'm afraid..) but i'm learning to let go and let God. Feels good.. imagine..i'm living in His promise! How cool is tat! Cant imagine everytime i board the bus doubting if the bus driver really knows his way.ha.
Lots of things coming up in my life.. Wallaby trip to Australia.. David Tao comin to town.. Passion24/7 up rite next.. lots more to go. Never has there been a more eventful period in my life. Suddenly got this urge to suck up all the life there is out there! To chase after experiences.. to laugh.. to cry.. to run away.. to come right back to where i begin. Even had the urge to get married and be a father.ha. (Oie!..Dun laugh! i know u are!).
Honestly.. i really envy strong christian couples. Always there to pick each other up when they're down. Such a blessing to be serving, praying and growing with your spouse. Bone of my bone.. flesh of my flesh. Such is the relation God intended of this union. A proximity that no friend can replace. beautiful, amazing and vivid description. I'm praying for my Eve too.
Lord.. if it's in Your will.. *wink* You know wat to do ya! Amen.
I think i'm the number one fan on my blog (not sure if ever more than 5 person ever reads my blog..ha), and everytime i read it as if it's written by someone else. It intrigues me wat this guy daniel has been goin thru. i'm sure i'd be laughing at him if i ever meet him. Cant help but feel a certain proximity to him. Maybe i do know him. Who knows?
Its been an amazing spiritual journey the past 2 weeks. Seeing how God is working. Thank God for the front row seat that i've got. He's given the Youth Ministry so much relevations and visions. Something we havent seen happening before. The Flame of revival so surely befalling upon the church. He seems to hav got something for me to do. I'm listening.
Never felt so assured of His plans in my life.. feels like i'm taking a bus home.. no idea which route the bus is goin but i know for sure i'm goin home. I'm still human.. sometimes i'm still afraid.(okie okie.. most of the time i'm afraid..) but i'm learning to let go and let God. Feels good.. imagine..i'm living in His promise! How cool is tat! Cant imagine everytime i board the bus doubting if the bus driver really knows his way.ha.
Lots of things coming up in my life.. Wallaby trip to Australia.. David Tao comin to town.. Passion24/7 up rite next.. lots more to go. Never has there been a more eventful period in my life. Suddenly got this urge to suck up all the life there is out there! To chase after experiences.. to laugh.. to cry.. to run away.. to come right back to where i begin. Even had the urge to get married and be a father.ha. (Oie!..Dun laugh! i know u are!).
Honestly.. i really envy strong christian couples. Always there to pick each other up when they're down. Such a blessing to be serving, praying and growing with your spouse. Bone of my bone.. flesh of my flesh. Such is the relation God intended of this union. A proximity that no friend can replace. beautiful, amazing and vivid description. I'm praying for my Eve too.
Lord.. if it's in Your will.. *wink* You know wat to do ya! Amen.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
jus a thought
had an interesting thought jus yesterdae. Was hoping it would rain. It didnt.
Suddenly forgotten how it felt to stand in the rain.. droplets of sky dews grazing my face.. soaking my skin. Sound of rushing rain hitting the ground.
As i grow up.. the idea of standing in the rain suddenly lost it's appeal. Starting to associate it with catching the flu.. wet and drenched.. wet shoes... wet socks.. and er.. wet underwear. Not a pretty feeling when i think about it.
When i was younger.. rain was the best thing ever. I'd remember the time when we'll only come out and play when it rains. playing soccer or rugby in the mud filled fields!
In army when i was still a trainee.. everyday we were praying for rain as trainings would be cancelled. Before u know it we'd all be sleeping again.. hypnotised by the rhythm of the rain. The only thing we complain when it rains were the freezing cold showers.
Not sure if u noticed.. the universal motion of stretching out your hand to feel the rain drops when it rains.. it's the same everywhere. i'd see children do that.. cupping their hands together to form a puddle in thier palms. I'd wonder where they learnt it.
This strange enticement abt the rain. i love it.
I'm still hoping it rains todae.
Suddenly forgotten how it felt to stand in the rain.. droplets of sky dews grazing my face.. soaking my skin. Sound of rushing rain hitting the ground.
As i grow up.. the idea of standing in the rain suddenly lost it's appeal. Starting to associate it with catching the flu.. wet and drenched.. wet shoes... wet socks.. and er.. wet underwear. Not a pretty feeling when i think about it.
When i was younger.. rain was the best thing ever. I'd remember the time when we'll only come out and play when it rains. playing soccer or rugby in the mud filled fields!
In army when i was still a trainee.. everyday we were praying for rain as trainings would be cancelled. Before u know it we'd all be sleeping again.. hypnotised by the rhythm of the rain. The only thing we complain when it rains were the freezing cold showers.
Not sure if u noticed.. the universal motion of stretching out your hand to feel the rain drops when it rains.. it's the same everywhere. i'd see children do that.. cupping their hands together to form a puddle in thier palms. I'd wonder where they learnt it.
This strange enticement abt the rain. i love it.
I'm still hoping it rains todae.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Roller coaster
22 years of my life and i still cannot believe how someone can alternate one's mood so easily. yes yes.. it's me. Felt like i'm on an emotional roller coaster.. again.
It's really a funny feeling.. i can imagine myself in the amusment park.. paid my ticket for a roller coaster ride. Not knowing if i'll enjoy it. Sat down with my anxiety running wide, waiting for the ride to jus take my breathe away.
Running thru my head.. all the impressions of a roller coaster rides flashed. Painted a picture of how it's supposed to feel. The anticipation.. emotional build up.. holding my breathe..and lots of laughter and relief when it's all over. Thinkin my experience wouldnt differ much from my impression.. i'm looking forward for the ride of my life!
The sound of motor starting woke me from my day dream. Slowly but surely.. my cart moved towards a bend out of my line of sight.. and off i go.
Within minutes.. i'm back.. the sound of the motor slowing down, drawing to a complete stop back at where i began. Needless to say.. it was nothing i ever felt before.. nothing like i thought it would be. Hair is a little messy.. heart still pumping alittle fast.. my hands still gripped tightly on the handle in front of me.
I wasnt smiling. Not that i wasnt happy.. but i wasnt smiling. There's a certain allure that draws me back to relish the sensations of the ride. Some i loved( the adrenaline and all the fresh anticipation of something i yearn to try).. some i regretted(unprepared twist and turns.. fear and dissapointment inflicted).. some that brought me down(It probably didnt meet my expectation). I know i wasnt satisfied. However, i told myself i'm not gonna try anymore. Scared? probably. I'm afraid the second time will end up the same.
Ended up wondering around the amusment park.. holding my remaining tickets. Wondering where i should spend it instead. Somehow.. i gravited back to the roller coaster ride. Memories of the ride still fresh in my head. The allure draws me in again. The next thing i know is i'm queuing for the ride again.
Long line of people in front of me.. people sitting on the seat that i was seated jus a moment ago. Still comtemplating if i made the right choice.
Now.. it's my turn. Sitting back at the same seat i was before. i looked ahead. here i ago again. All i hope is tat this time.. i return with wat i was looking for.
Too soon to tell.
My hands gripped tightly on the handle once again.
It's really a funny feeling.. i can imagine myself in the amusment park.. paid my ticket for a roller coaster ride. Not knowing if i'll enjoy it. Sat down with my anxiety running wide, waiting for the ride to jus take my breathe away.
Running thru my head.. all the impressions of a roller coaster rides flashed. Painted a picture of how it's supposed to feel. The anticipation.. emotional build up.. holding my breathe..and lots of laughter and relief when it's all over. Thinkin my experience wouldnt differ much from my impression.. i'm looking forward for the ride of my life!
The sound of motor starting woke me from my day dream. Slowly but surely.. my cart moved towards a bend out of my line of sight.. and off i go.
Within minutes.. i'm back.. the sound of the motor slowing down, drawing to a complete stop back at where i began. Needless to say.. it was nothing i ever felt before.. nothing like i thought it would be. Hair is a little messy.. heart still pumping alittle fast.. my hands still gripped tightly on the handle in front of me.
I wasnt smiling. Not that i wasnt happy.. but i wasnt smiling. There's a certain allure that draws me back to relish the sensations of the ride. Some i loved( the adrenaline and all the fresh anticipation of something i yearn to try).. some i regretted(unprepared twist and turns.. fear and dissapointment inflicted).. some that brought me down(It probably didnt meet my expectation). I know i wasnt satisfied. However, i told myself i'm not gonna try anymore. Scared? probably. I'm afraid the second time will end up the same.
Ended up wondering around the amusment park.. holding my remaining tickets. Wondering where i should spend it instead. Somehow.. i gravited back to the roller coaster ride. Memories of the ride still fresh in my head. The allure draws me in again. The next thing i know is i'm queuing for the ride again.
Long line of people in front of me.. people sitting on the seat that i was seated jus a moment ago. Still comtemplating if i made the right choice.
Now.. it's my turn. Sitting back at the same seat i was before. i looked ahead. here i ago again. All i hope is tat this time.. i return with wat i was looking for.
Too soon to tell.
My hands gripped tightly on the handle once again.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Jus plain comfortable. Nothing more.. nothing less
Finding it hard to pen down abt last night.. couldnt find the words. Probably i was a little taken aback and overwhelmed by how comfortable it was.. the company.. the musical.. it was all amazing.
I was actually gonna break sweat in the air-conditioned mrt station before she came. No idea wat to expect. My heartbeat, besides being irritatingly faster than usual.. it was beating way harder. Standing in a corner.. only to realise i was like 30mins too early.. but already.. my eyes were looking around jus in case.
I know myself.. these are the early signs of freaking out. For wat? i really hav no idea. I jus stood there.. waiting.
The next thing i know.. i caught a glimps of her in the crowd. The sight of her drowned out my heart beat. A rush of calm washes thru my body. Then i suddenly forgotten why i was nervous in the first place. It was comfortable.. tat familar face.
Dinner.. chat.. trip to the indoor stadium.. Havent felt this way for a long time. This "nothing else matters" kindda feeling. i'm jus glad i'm with good company.
Musical was great.. even though the story's a little lame. But jacky Cheng made it all up with his voice. I was in awe! my first time listening to him Live! It's worth every single buck of the ticket. Too bad we were seated right at the very last row of the stadium. Jacky Cheng was smaller than my thumb from where i saw it. ha. But still.. really enjoyed every moment of the night. Tune stucked in my head.. secret glances to my right. Especially the glances.
I dun know how to put it.. but honestly.. nothing seems important enough to deserve a mention here tonight. Cos all i remember of last night.. was probably the company. Thank God it was nothing like i tot it'll be.
Jus plain comfortable. Nothing more.. nothing less. i'm jus glad you're around. : )
I was actually gonna break sweat in the air-conditioned mrt station before she came. No idea wat to expect. My heartbeat, besides being irritatingly faster than usual.. it was beating way harder. Standing in a corner.. only to realise i was like 30mins too early.. but already.. my eyes were looking around jus in case.
I know myself.. these are the early signs of freaking out. For wat? i really hav no idea. I jus stood there.. waiting.
The next thing i know.. i caught a glimps of her in the crowd. The sight of her drowned out my heart beat. A rush of calm washes thru my body. Then i suddenly forgotten why i was nervous in the first place. It was comfortable.. tat familar face.
Dinner.. chat.. trip to the indoor stadium.. Havent felt this way for a long time. This "nothing else matters" kindda feeling. i'm jus glad i'm with good company.
Musical was great.. even though the story's a little lame. But jacky Cheng made it all up with his voice. I was in awe! my first time listening to him Live! It's worth every single buck of the ticket. Too bad we were seated right at the very last row of the stadium. Jacky Cheng was smaller than my thumb from where i saw it. ha. But still.. really enjoyed every moment of the night. Tune stucked in my head.. secret glances to my right. Especially the glances.
I dun know how to put it.. but honestly.. nothing seems important enough to deserve a mention here tonight. Cos all i remember of last night.. was probably the company. Thank God it was nothing like i tot it'll be.
Jus plain comfortable. Nothing more.. nothing less. i'm jus glad you're around. : )
Friday, September 16, 2005
Morning Babble
so soon.. it's fri again. Dont know if i should dread todae.. or be excited abt it. In case u dun know.. i'm watching Snow.Wolf.Lake tonight.
Past few nights ppl called me.. curious to know wats goin on.. and i realised i probably made a fool of myself online. Didnt know ppl actually reads my blog.ha. Then the next thing thats hits me.. What if she reads my blog too??
This is the ultimate blogging dlilemma .. suddenly felt to urge to take down watever i said abt her in this blog. I know i know.. there's no way i can be selective abt who reads my blog. But i dun wanna have to be "sensitive" abt wat i say here, excluding details.. blurring up the truths. Then this would be a politically correct statement board.
I asked myself.. wat is the purpose of this blog? I named it Silent Witness with the impression of this blog witnessing the ups and downs and hipccups in my life. Sitting here silent in cyber space.. storing my memories and my thoughts, my opinions and nevertheless... my complaints.
Articles in newspapers abt bloggers are not an uncommon sight recently.. bloggers getting into trouble with the law for passing racist remarks.. bloggers making politically insensitive statements.. etc etc. But i realised alot of them are making statements to shock or to up the entertainment value of their blogs. I have to admit some of them writes really well and i'm not ashamed to confess i really enjoy reading them.
However.. i'm not the same. Not that i dun wanna make out of this world statements and have a hugh following of readers waiting to read wat i blog everyday. I simply cant. I'm not an established writer nor do i have the capacity to capture the interest and attention of netizens.
Knowing where i stand.. i understood that this isnt exactly my cup of tea. Not that i dun drink tea.. jus tat i'm not a connoisseur of this sort of tea. ha. (Understand wat i mean?)
So i decided right from the start to stay out of this race.. dun wanna write for the sake of viewership or to entertain the ppl who reads this. But in turn.. i hope whoever reads my blog could get to know me alittle better.
Anyhow... i'm still appreciative to anyone who bothers to take time off to read my 5cents worth of rubbish. Thanks.
Decided not to take down any post.. if she ever reads it.. well.. it's a little embarrassing, but sorry i cant help it.
Past few nights ppl called me.. curious to know wats goin on.. and i realised i probably made a fool of myself online. Didnt know ppl actually reads my blog.ha. Then the next thing thats hits me.. What if she reads my blog too??
This is the ultimate blogging dlilemma .. suddenly felt to urge to take down watever i said abt her in this blog. I know i know.. there's no way i can be selective abt who reads my blog. But i dun wanna have to be "sensitive" abt wat i say here, excluding details.. blurring up the truths. Then this would be a politically correct statement board.
I asked myself.. wat is the purpose of this blog? I named it Silent Witness with the impression of this blog witnessing the ups and downs and hipccups in my life. Sitting here silent in cyber space.. storing my memories and my thoughts, my opinions and nevertheless... my complaints.
Articles in newspapers abt bloggers are not an uncommon sight recently.. bloggers getting into trouble with the law for passing racist remarks.. bloggers making politically insensitive statements.. etc etc. But i realised alot of them are making statements to shock or to up the entertainment value of their blogs. I have to admit some of them writes really well and i'm not ashamed to confess i really enjoy reading them.
However.. i'm not the same. Not that i dun wanna make out of this world statements and have a hugh following of readers waiting to read wat i blog everyday. I simply cant. I'm not an established writer nor do i have the capacity to capture the interest and attention of netizens.
Knowing where i stand.. i understood that this isnt exactly my cup of tea. Not that i dun drink tea.. jus tat i'm not a connoisseur of this sort of tea. ha. (Understand wat i mean?)
So i decided right from the start to stay out of this race.. dun wanna write for the sake of viewership or to entertain the ppl who reads this. But in turn.. i hope whoever reads my blog could get to know me alittle better.
Anyhow... i'm still appreciative to anyone who bothers to take time off to read my 5cents worth of rubbish. Thanks.
Decided not to take down any post.. if she ever reads it.. well.. it's a little embarrassing, but sorry i cant help it.
I Remember
Jus goin thru some concepts for how my Division Commander's farewell video is gonna be like.. kept thinking along the line of makin it upbeat and funny and light hearted. well.. alittle like those i've seen before.
Boring.
As the idea brews.. a theme suddenly hits me. "I Remember.." . i think i know wat i wanna do with the video. I dun wanna jus be a factory churning out lame videos ppl will never remember. More ever.. i quite like my current divCom. He's suave.. looks really smart and really carries himself very well. Quite the commander that commands respect.ha.
I want ppl who comes to the farewell to take back something. Especially him. It's decided! It's gonna be emotional.(hmm..a whole bunch of old army fellas getting emotional.ha. imagine that!!)
But then again.. it's not really up to me to decide. I'll propose anywae.
Boring.
As the idea brews.. a theme suddenly hits me. "I Remember.." . i think i know wat i wanna do with the video. I dun wanna jus be a factory churning out lame videos ppl will never remember. More ever.. i quite like my current divCom. He's suave.. looks really smart and really carries himself very well. Quite the commander that commands respect.ha.
I want ppl who comes to the farewell to take back something. Especially him. It's decided! It's gonna be emotional.(hmm..a whole bunch of old army fellas getting emotional.ha. imagine that!!)
But then again.. it's not really up to me to decide. I'll propose anywae.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
You maDe mY DaY!
Mixed feelings yesterdae.. had rashes all over my body.. must be something i ate. couldnt sleep.. itching all over. sianz. But something happened and soothed all the itch and pain. I asked..she said yes. She made my dae.. or rather my night. Still itchy? yes.. but i couldnt care less.
I know it's nothing major.. but still.. feels great. Suddenly felt silly looking at myself losing sleep over it. Was it the rash or was it her? Its probably abit of both. Snap out of it! Not gonna let this get to my head.
Fri's the day. Honestly.. i'm really excited. and maybe a little scared. But wat am i afraid of? There isnt supposed to be any expectation. It's jus a concert. I'm supposed to enjoy myself. Why do i feel this silly pressure to be at my best? i guess i've been thinking too much.
Way too much.
I'm jus too glad it happened. Even if it's not gonna mean anything.. you made my dae. :)
I know it's nothing major.. but still.. feels great. Suddenly felt silly looking at myself losing sleep over it. Was it the rash or was it her? Its probably abit of both. Snap out of it! Not gonna let this get to my head.
Fri's the day. Honestly.. i'm really excited. and maybe a little scared. But wat am i afraid of? There isnt supposed to be any expectation. It's jus a concert. I'm supposed to enjoy myself. Why do i feel this silly pressure to be at my best? i guess i've been thinking too much.
Way too much.
I'm jus too glad it happened. Even if it's not gonna mean anything.. you made my dae. :)
Sunday, September 11, 2005
AHM 21km
yes... i'm back home after the 21km run. not as bad as i thought. Or maybe the pain havent kicked in yet. hee.
~
No doubt i'm still tired out. Nope.. didnt hit the passing timing.. but it doesnt really matter. I think i probably could run in the passing timing if i try alittle harder.. but i didnt wanna push my body so hard..it's quite a big jump cos the furthest i ever ran was 12km. I stopped at 16km and took a quick stroll all the way back to the finishing line. ha. feels pretty good.
~
My first ever marathon.. feels more like a social event rather. Thousands and thousands of ppl gathered in the wee hours at the padang.. all in their shorts and singlets. Relectant faces were few.. i'm surprised. The horn sounds off.. the marathon flags on.. the congestions was so bad tat we had to walk for 2km before we actually had space to start running.
~
The next thing i know, i became a social butterfly. Along the way when we hit the ECP, friends and familar faces started poping along my sides.. BMT platoon mates.. SISPEC friends... poly buddies. I'm amazed at how much everyone had grown but yet still stays the same. Renjie still spots the signature botak hair style.. Yap still small and petite. A gush of memories flooding in.. chatting abt the past.. catching up on the present. Suddenly i've forgotten abt the pain and fatigue.
~
I really thank God that i have a big circle of friends.. didnt realised it till when i was hopping from groups to groups. Though i ran on without my cliche(*guilty) but i was never really alone running. Thank You Lord! couldnt have done it without You!
~
NExt year.. i'm coming again..gonna make sure i run under 2hr and 30mins. ha. not very fast..but tats abt all i can do. I'm not born to run.. this i know. but i'm not born to fail either.
~
Never really understood how anyone can enjoy running when it's such a painful process to me. But i decided to take another approach to it. i believe that the only way i'm ever gonna enjoy running is when i there is a deserving purpose to it! I'm not gonna try improve my timing... i'm gonna try improve the contentment level. every step i take.. i'm gonna make it count. i want to be running for something.. for someone. Probably sounds silly to you eh.. doesnt really matter. as long a it means something to me.
~
my first ever half marathon.. yes i'm dead tired.. but looking forward to it already.
Sunday, September 04, 2005
*touches my forehead with the back of my palm*
am i sick? dun seem so.. then wats this feeling i'm feeling now.. shucks.. feels cold from within.. like i'm dreading something. goin back to camp maybe? been a long time since i dread goin back to camp. Feel like reporting sick and shun Ex Diamond Link. Not that i dun enjoy army.. think it really is the Justin factor.. pisses me off. Never had to work so stressed out in army before, so undignified. I know there's nothing to be afraid of.. i keep telling myself that, but my heart still pumps double quick time. My guess.. it's a combination of stress.. frustrations.. fear.. fatigue and morale.
Sickening feeling
Thank God i made it thru last week.. hell of a week. Rushing thru one thing to another. Bunt my fingers cooking noodles..*stupid* @_@. Honestly.. i dun really know wat happened last week.. all i know is i was damn tired and lost. Couldnt find the momentum. But i know this week is not gonna be any easier. So help me God!
Dun like the fact that my blog is filled with complaints.. but thats all i can muster now.. Rite now.. even if i was to meet with an accident or fall ill and stay out of action for a while would be a good thing. it's sad.. i wished more happy things hits me this week.
Oh ya..i think i'm goin to Australia, Wallaby this coming Nov for a month! Quite excited abt it. but i'll be goin alone.. thats a good thing too i guess. Foreign land.. stranger friends.. Windy sands... happy Dan! hah.. it better be.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Nothing compares... Nothing to compare
looking around the room for tat familar face.. Nope.. not there anymore. I know i know.. it's pathetic, but still.. it's hard not to look. i dun even remember why i'm doin this.
ever tried so hard to forget someone that you forgotten why u are trying? Maybe it became a habit falling for u. i know i shouldnt. i know.i think i know.. do i know? dun think i know anymore.
stuck in a moment.. laddened by the past. nothing compares. nothing to compare.
i still remember how it felt. close to you.. feathers in my heart. You light up the room.. u light up the world.. u light up my heart. Feel like i'm an addict. Hooked to that feeling. Cold turkey not helping. substitution end up hurting.. not me. i'm sorry.
Cant think straight.. broken thoughts..Highlight of week.. company exercise shake up.. set up drill..again..and again. felt like a dog.. wet.. sweaty.. tired.. demoralised. Next day...10km run..2 weeks from now.. 21km..run? dun think so.. drag myself across the finish line. Arms breaking.. legs falling apart.. scared and afraid ... wat's to come? More of justin's bullshit.. hang in there. Buy food.. one last time.. make it thru.. waiting for Paradise. Paradise now!
finally.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Weird Dreams From Bintan
yep.. i'm back from bintan.. took a break from Singapore.. dropped by bintan with phoebe.
Went there with one thing on my mind.. to clear my head and prepare wats to come. Not too bad for me.. sea breeze and white sands(not exactly white though), Jet ski and sun tan.. Think i probably bore phoebe to death.haha.(if u're reading this.. sorry babe!) Didnt feel like doin much over there.. pretty excited abt the seas though! ha.. too bad phoebe not very into the idea of soaking in sodium and i'm not very into the idea of floating around alone in the seas either. hee.
Went there with one thing on my mind.. to clear my head and prepare wats to come. Not too bad for me.. sea breeze and white sands(not exactly white though), Jet ski and sun tan.. Think i probably bore phoebe to death.haha.(if u're reading this.. sorry babe!) Didnt feel like doin much over there.. pretty excited abt the seas though! ha.. too bad phoebe not very into the idea of soaking in sodium and i'm not very into the idea of floating around alone in the seas either. hee.
~~~
Weird Dream
had a weird dream over there on sunday night.. bought a couple of beers (Bintang! Indonesia's local beer) watching Chelsea vs Arsenel on ESPN! Tot it's gonna be easier to sleep with with beer..*buzzer* wrong.. kept me awake all night! kept having werid dreams. Woke up puzzled.. dreamt that this cat came over to talk to me.. telling me of this conspircy that the resort staff are having and that i'm being watched! my reaction : "HUH?!" He dragged me into its car.. interesting sight to see a cat driving with it's paw.
had a weird dream over there on sunday night.. bought a couple of beers (Bintang! Indonesia's local beer) watching Chelsea vs Arsenel on ESPN! Tot it's gonna be easier to sleep with with beer..*buzzer* wrong.. kept me awake all night! kept having werid dreams. Woke up puzzled.. dreamt that this cat came over to talk to me.. telling me of this conspircy that the resort staff are having and that i'm being watched! my reaction : "HUH?!" He dragged me into its car.. interesting sight to see a cat driving with it's paw.
The cat looks like Garfield on Silm10.. skinny.. wide eyed.. weird.. he told me to :"Shut up and listen! i'm driving u to somewhere safe!" Behind me.. i could see huge beams of seach lights shining down as if prisoners escaped from a prison. i looked at the cat... it didnt say it's name. Now squinting its eyes..intently driving.. swishing thru the roads to avoid detection from the giant search beams.
I wonder the nature of this kidnap... where the hell is this talkin cat bringing me to? Can i trust it? Then it spoke again.. i was expecting the motion.. but not the content. "Before we get outta this place.. i need to pick up my sidekick! Damn! where the hell is he?!"the cat said, scaning intensely peering thru the windscreen. An accomplice? Now i'm wondering if i'm on drugs.. wat kindda bullshit is this? i know i'm imaginative.. but this is totally outragous! I swear anymore bullshit coming from this cat..i'm gonna throw it out of the car myself!
I wonder the nature of this kidnap... where the hell is this talkin cat bringing me to? Can i trust it? Then it spoke again.. i was expecting the motion.. but not the content. "Before we get outta this place.. i need to pick up my sidekick! Damn! where the hell is he?!"the cat said, scaning intensely peering thru the windscreen. An accomplice? Now i'm wondering if i'm on drugs.. wat kindda bullshit is this? i know i'm imaginative.. but this is totally outragous! I swear anymore bullshit coming from this cat..i'm gonna throw it out of the car myself!
Rite when tat thought came in.. an old voice creeped up from the hind seats! "i'm here already!"it said. Startled.. i turned my head back only to throw myself aback! I should have know.. the cat's accomplice is a olg hagged looking dog!!
i knew i went too far. must be something i ate! ha
I shoke myself awake.. next thing i know.. i was on my bed. 2:30am. i'm so glad i'm dreaming. i didnt go back to sleep. Washed my face in the basin.. feeling that cold fluid running across my face.. reminded me of that vivid impression of the talkin cat.
honestly.. it was kindda cute
~~~
Excuse me..are u a movie star?
Second morning on the island.. i was enjoying my last complimentry breakfast from the resort with phoebe.
Looking at all the good food there is.. except tat i sort of remembered that they cooked the same stuff the last morning as well. I hope it's not left overs that i'm eating. hee.
From experience.. i helped myself to it's scrambled eggs and sausages. Trial and tested i thought.
Jus when i was digging away at the food.. this hotel staff came over and spoke to me. A typical hotel staff it seemed.. offering his services to me, or i tot so. He looked at me ever so ernest..almost with a sparkle in his eye. I wondered if he wanted to offer a hand with the food.
"Excuse me.. are u a movie star?" he asked.
A half filled plate on one hand.. one full scope of eggs on another.. a completely empty mind up in my head. What did he jus say?? was he speaking some foreign language i didnt understand? Am i suppose to answer his question? was that a real question in the first place?
I stood there stunned for a moment.. i glanced at him.. he seemed to be expecting a reply. "Er.. nope. Not movie star." i gave him my million dollar smile for what's it's worth. Seem to hav lost my command of english for a moment. Wat the hell was he thinking? He probably says this to all his resort guest, i tot.
As dramatic as it can be.. the saga continues. He caught me off guard again.. "OOOOHH... but you're so handsome! i tot u are movie star. so u here on honeymoon?" ok.. now i'm embarrassed.First he says i'm good looking.. now he says i'm married. I rather he jus scoped my eggs for me and leave.
"Er.. Nope.. not married. jus holiday. Thanks" i turned away and made my way back to my seat. i could almost feel his smile on my back.
Back at our seats.. had a good laugh at it. Movie star! ha. Wonder how many tourist fell for that. but it's a nice tot eh. Hee
Monday, August 15, 2005
you're beautiful.. it's true
yes yes.. it's been some time.. i've got lots of things i wanna share.. most of them are nagging and complaints abt the circumstances and ppl around me. but something wonderful happened to me this week that overwritten all those complaints and smacked a smile on my face...maybe a sigh too.
went over to my grandma's place for dinner on national day.. havent visited her for some time already. bought her fav roast duck over. After dinner i was jus flipping thru my stuff in her place. I left lots of stuff over at her place.. cos i sort of stored my stuff there for the time being when i move to my sengkang place. Found my brother's guitar.. some books i was looking for.. and more importantly.. i found a metal box sitting dusty in a corner.
This box couldnt be more familiar with me. it's a box where i kept bits and pieces of my past. Letters.. birthday cards.. vanlentine cards.. short notes.. small presents and more importantly.. my diary! ha. I brought the box back home with me.. with clear intentions not to open it up. i knew wat will happen if i did. Every other time that i did.. history and emotions hits me so hard. so hard tat it hurts.. of the friends i lost.. silly things i've done.. promises i made.. chances i missed.. love i found.. and lost again.
i left it quietly beside the CPU below my desk. jus wanting to keep it close. But as fate has it.. i was all alone at home on Thursday night.. mum and brother went out. Yep.. u guessed it right.. i tot about relinquishing a little history. I picked up the rusty box cover in dust. Lay it on my lap and opened it up.
there's a funny expectation everytime i open it up.. i'll be thinking that some divine light will shine from inside like a treasure box from some hollywood movie! ha.Nope.. everytime i'd be disappointed. But still.. even without the "divine" light.. the content is enough to shine a light in my heart.
Surprised that the contents are left exactly the way it was the last time i visited. Right on top of the stack is this old exercise book. I knew wat it was.. it was a diary... my diary. I flipped thru the pages wondering wat i wrote in them. I'm so glad nobody's home that night to spoil this little private moment. i was laughing.. close to tears.. feelin this close proximity to the author.. seeing how i used to be and who i have become. The memories were breath taking!
Only a handful of entries in the 3 years of the diary.. i guess i was a man if little words. but when i wrote.. it was always writing abt the same subject.. this one girl in my life. I felt like i was brought back to the past. Seeing this poor little boy fall head over heels for this specky little girl. Finding a million and one reasons to feel bad about himself. Always thinkin if he ever meant anything to that little girl.. finally finding his way to her heart as they grow up.. Even in the relationship he's mind clouded in revery.. finally losing her.. finally figuring how he'd lose someone so dear.
Such are the memories that made me realised that after 6 years.. no doubt i've grown.. but somehow i cant help but feel i'm back to square one. All those emotions depicted so long ago seemed ever so fresh. Specky little girl no longer specky.. little boy no longer who he used to be.. things dun seem so simple anymore. But the questions remains the same. Will that silent reverence in the teengae boy's heart ever be heard? Maybe it's about time.
yes yes.. it's been some time.. i've got lots of things i wanna share.. most of them are nagging and complaints abt the circumstances and ppl around me. but something wonderful happened to me this week that overwritten all those complaints and smacked a smile on my face...maybe a sigh too.
went over to my grandma's place for dinner on national day.. havent visited her for some time already. bought her fav roast duck over. After dinner i was jus flipping thru my stuff in her place. I left lots of stuff over at her place.. cos i sort of stored my stuff there for the time being when i move to my sengkang place. Found my brother's guitar.. some books i was looking for.. and more importantly.. i found a metal box sitting dusty in a corner.
This box couldnt be more familiar with me. it's a box where i kept bits and pieces of my past. Letters.. birthday cards.. vanlentine cards.. short notes.. small presents and more importantly.. my diary! ha. I brought the box back home with me.. with clear intentions not to open it up. i knew wat will happen if i did. Every other time that i did.. history and emotions hits me so hard. so hard tat it hurts.. of the friends i lost.. silly things i've done.. promises i made.. chances i missed.. love i found.. and lost again.
i left it quietly beside the CPU below my desk. jus wanting to keep it close. But as fate has it.. i was all alone at home on Thursday night.. mum and brother went out. Yep.. u guessed it right.. i tot about relinquishing a little history. I picked up the rusty box cover in dust. Lay it on my lap and opened it up.
there's a funny expectation everytime i open it up.. i'll be thinking that some divine light will shine from inside like a treasure box from some hollywood movie! ha.Nope.. everytime i'd be disappointed. But still.. even without the "divine" light.. the content is enough to shine a light in my heart.
Surprised that the contents are left exactly the way it was the last time i visited. Right on top of the stack is this old exercise book. I knew wat it was.. it was a diary... my diary. I flipped thru the pages wondering wat i wrote in them. I'm so glad nobody's home that night to spoil this little private moment. i was laughing.. close to tears.. feelin this close proximity to the author.. seeing how i used to be and who i have become. The memories were breath taking!
Only a handful of entries in the 3 years of the diary.. i guess i was a man if little words. but when i wrote.. it was always writing abt the same subject.. this one girl in my life. I felt like i was brought back to the past. Seeing this poor little boy fall head over heels for this specky little girl. Finding a million and one reasons to feel bad about himself. Always thinkin if he ever meant anything to that little girl.. finally finding his way to her heart as they grow up.. Even in the relationship he's mind clouded in revery.. finally losing her.. finally figuring how he'd lose someone so dear.
Such are the memories that made me realised that after 6 years.. no doubt i've grown.. but somehow i cant help but feel i'm back to square one. All those emotions depicted so long ago seemed ever so fresh. Specky little girl no longer specky.. little boy no longer who he used to be.. things dun seem so simple anymore. But the questions remains the same. Will that silent reverence in the teengae boy's heart ever be heard? Maybe it's about time.
Don't know what you do to me but
Everytime I'm with you it's a natural high
It's like re-discovering Eden
with chocolate -coated rainbows
and cotton candy skies
And everytime you look my way
I wish I had the guts to say
There's something in your eyes
Something in your smile
Something in the way you move me
You make me want to sing
Make me want to dance
Make me want to cry
I'm falling in love with you.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Not supposed to be here..
yep.. i'm in camp.. 1230am.. supposed to be workin now.but wat the hell.. got the whole night to work away. decided to spend a few mins recounting todae. hee.
last min notice tat my toopid CO wants to see the changes on mon morning. First reaction:" WAT?" it's Sat already and he expects the things to be done by mon. he thinks he really the Emperor ah! haiz. maybe he is.. but even if he is.. he sucked as one!
decided to come back tonight and do up some infra-structure for tml so when marcus and adraine comes in they can more efficeintly start work right away. Quite at a lost of wat to do also. HELP!
wanted to go book my advance driving test date this morning.. i said wanted. Apparently i could wake up in time. ha. had breakfast with mummy and made my way down to the padang. dunno why i there also. jus kept talking to ppl and sleeping. Only till around 12 plus then smo broke the BAD(bad is an understatement) news to me. i understand their predicament.. nothing much they can do as well. Gave up complaining and gave in to the fact tat i coming back to camp le.Sianz.
Went to cell after tat.. finished cell.. asked mushi to give me a ride somewhere nearer to camp.. he dropped me at bukit panjang. :(.......... haha. dropped off with gemi and ah liang. went to top up some "batteries" for tonight. Ah liang suggested having supper.. so grabed a bit with them. Ate mac.. all nuggets.. semi conductors.. bose.. next moment i'm on a busy back to camp. Nice feeling though. i mean the supper.. not the bus ride back to hell.ha. Familar sentiments. Funny feeling..
Not gonna make it to church tml.. shucks.. wished i could be there.take care ppl! dun forget abt me ya. Gonna miss the soccer match as well. haiz. My sundays are reserved! toopid army.. toopid CO. screw my schedule. haiz. okok.. gotta learn to quit complaining. better get back to work le.
-OuT-
last min notice tat my toopid CO wants to see the changes on mon morning. First reaction:" WAT?" it's Sat already and he expects the things to be done by mon. he thinks he really the Emperor ah! haiz. maybe he is.. but even if he is.. he sucked as one!
decided to come back tonight and do up some infra-structure for tml so when marcus and adraine comes in they can more efficeintly start work right away. Quite at a lost of wat to do also. HELP!
wanted to go book my advance driving test date this morning.. i said wanted. Apparently i could wake up in time. ha. had breakfast with mummy and made my way down to the padang. dunno why i there also. jus kept talking to ppl and sleeping. Only till around 12 plus then smo broke the BAD(bad is an understatement) news to me. i understand their predicament.. nothing much they can do as well. Gave up complaining and gave in to the fact tat i coming back to camp le.Sianz.
Went to cell after tat.. finished cell.. asked mushi to give me a ride somewhere nearer to camp.. he dropped me at bukit panjang. :(.......... haha. dropped off with gemi and ah liang. went to top up some "batteries" for tonight. Ah liang suggested having supper.. so grabed a bit with them. Ate mac.. all nuggets.. semi conductors.. bose.. next moment i'm on a busy back to camp. Nice feeling though. i mean the supper.. not the bus ride back to hell.ha. Familar sentiments. Funny feeling..
Not gonna make it to church tml.. shucks.. wished i could be there.take care ppl! dun forget abt me ya. Gonna miss the soccer match as well. haiz. My sundays are reserved! toopid army.. toopid CO. screw my schedule. haiz. okok.. gotta learn to quit complaining. better get back to work le.
-OuT-
Friday, August 05, 2005
Kakashi
interesting day.. saw the true "evil" face of my CO. ha. wasted my 2 weeks working on the sponsorship videos and the first things he said when i saw the video was " WAT'S TAT!?" Saw my S3,(a major) kena big time from my CO. sianz. Tot he some scholar ..quiet quiet.. didnt know he so unreasonably demanding. Good thing he's leaving soon. Phew.. good thing i leaving soon too. gonna hand things over. dunno how they gonna cope after the handing over. well.. nothing much i can do now.. i've got Ex Diamond Link to bother about.hee
Today couldnt do much..practically all i did was make some phone calls. thats all. my video has been put on hold at the moment. nothing much i can do. Ended up lookin thru the iinternet for naruto manga! ha. Unfortunately only one new episode came out. Finished it in a jif.. and i'm hungry for naruto again. had this wacky idea of doin wall papers for naruto. you know.. those fan art thingie. So i decided to do a wallpaper of my fav character from the anime series..KAKASHI!!! haha
Went in seach of graphics of his posture of he doin some seals or he doin his famous Chidori. found some really low res pics.. added my touch to it. Quite amazed i still have wat it takes.. took me a little longer.. but it was pretty good.
Instant wallpaper of Kakashi San!
Here it is.. if u want the wall paper jus let me know. I'll send it over to u
not too bad eh. ha.
-OuT-
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Holland bound!
hee.. goin off work soon.. matter of mins actually.
gonna meet xav and silin for dinner at HollandV. think we goin for laksa or something. lalalala.
after Holland.. i'm Home BOUND!!! ha.
ByE WoRlD!~
gonna meet xav and silin for dinner at HollandV. think we goin for laksa or something. lalalala.
after Holland.. i'm Home BOUND!!! ha.
ByE WoRlD!~
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
alittle crazy todae.. sort of lost my way on my way home.. not literally lost. i knew where i was.. but i didnt know where i was goin. ha. walked right out of the train station and headed for the supermarket, grabbed one of those green basket from cold storage and started shopping for groceries. ha. not something i'd do often. On my way back.. there was this sale for Levis underwear.. dun ask me why.. i bought a box. i jus kept buying irrelevant stuff.
didnt get much work done todae.. didnt feel like doin. damn sick of workin on the same damn video for so many days. I'll carry on tml then. nothing interesting todae. sad.
finishing up on my book soon. I got funny reading habits. like to read the lines over and over again till the whole flavour of the scene is in my head! ha. then as i read on i'll start to drift off. My eyes will keep scaning the pages.. but my mind has already taken the story and ran off in its own rendition. hee. before i know it.. i'm re-reading the pages again. ha. damn slow to read. but thats the way i like it.
still nobody's home. brother on night shift.. mummy went out. yawn. on the phone with jane for the past hour or two.. watched Bleech episode42! ha. pathatic lifestyle.. but no worries.. it's gonna get better. i dun know how.. but it's gonna get better.(*fingers crossed)
didnt get much work done todae.. didnt feel like doin. damn sick of workin on the same damn video for so many days. I'll carry on tml then. nothing interesting todae. sad.
finishing up on my book soon. I got funny reading habits. like to read the lines over and over again till the whole flavour of the scene is in my head! ha. then as i read on i'll start to drift off. My eyes will keep scaning the pages.. but my mind has already taken the story and ran off in its own rendition. hee. before i know it.. i'm re-reading the pages again. ha. damn slow to read. but thats the way i like it.
still nobody's home. brother on night shift.. mummy went out. yawn. on the phone with jane for the past hour or two.. watched Bleech episode42! ha. pathatic lifestyle.. but no worries.. it's gonna get better. i dun know how.. but it's gonna get better.(*fingers crossed)
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