came back from cell group.. had a nice chat with liXia on th way home. We actually took the right bus but the wrong direction home. we ended up in AMK. instead of sengKang. we were so engrossed talkin that we didnt realise at all. hah. So we decided to take a cab back home instead.

Cell was over at jy's place..familar places.. familar faces... kind of like it used to be.. just a smaller group. Really refreshing though. kind of made me missed the good times we had. Thinking of what was broken that needed to be fixed. That if i was something people were trying to fix.. that if i was letting friends and family worry about me.. thinking about old friends.. thinking about new friends.. thinking about money and how overrated it is.. thinking about the beauty of things around me and the things i've missed out in life.. things that i said in the past... things i didnt say.. thinking about the people i havent met.. thinking about cheese cake and a good cuppa coffee.. the things that i wanna try cooking.. the things that i want to try.. about my diving trip.. deep sea fishing...

thinking why am i thinking so much.. nvm me..

i'm hungry.. how am i gonna pass this lonely night without food, beer and company. ha. how else.. just sleep it off i guess. like i always do. Good thing i've got Lisa Ono with me tonight. thanks Lisa.

*i feel nice like sugar and spice! so nice so nice i got you! *

Cough Blood

yawn... sat morning again. so tired that i slept like a log last night. yawn.. i'm still not awake yet.

my groggy eye lead me to my bathroom where i splashed cool water on my face to wake myself up while i was wondering where is my brother and mummy. hmm. unusual that they didnt wake me up.

felt something in my throat.. tried to cough it out. I spat it out and it was blood! ha.. now i'm awake. i looked at my hands and i realised that they were all covered in blood. Looked at myself in the mirror to find myself having a nose bleed.. chey.. tot i was coughing blood.. so it was only blood back flowed in my throat when i was sleeping. boring. It was messy though.. good thing i didnt dirty the bed with my nose bleed.. or i'll be kicking myself clearing up and washing the bedsheets. ha

Been a really long and busy week.. just back from 2 weeks of off and leave and they worked us like dogs.. projects kept coming in and trials after trials.. furthermore i still had to complete my assignments to be handed in during the week! it was crazy.. when my buddies finished work they were resting.. me? i jus carried on and do my assignment. i wake up at 630.. but i sleep at 2 plus3 am. i'm glad that at least the assignments are out of the way.

Really tough working and studying.. especially in my unit. I'm already takin one module less per semester but i'm still feeling that it's taking up too much of my time. Well.. what to do... made my choice. i should thank God that i still have the capacity to put myself into sch.

Sch aside.. starting to feel unsatisfied at work. Dun find the deserved recognition for the work that i put in.. been telling alot of ppl that i'm about to leave the organisation. That's the fact.. but my OC has been telling me to keep hush on that.. afraid that it'll affect my ranking in the coming year. I guessing i should be running in the top few positions in terms of ranking.. not tat i'm proud or anything.. but i pretty sure that in the place where ppl are under performing, the average performer could actually fly pretty high. And i could safely say that the only competition to those position are my buddies in my company.

then again.. it's not important about these ranking.. there's no difference in terms of benefits if was to come in first or second.. only more work. You doing well so you work more!! work till you're under performing then someone else will take the work. HUH? stupid system. Capable people do more... lazy people do less. but they get the same in return. bravo!

the thought of leaving led me to seriously consider what i want to do when i get out. Been offered a few options already. but i still want to start my own business ultimately. Having failed terribly in my last venture, its surged my thirst for more. ha.

i know why that venture fail.. and i regret it had to turn out like tat. lost a little money(really just a little). paid for a really valuable lesson. i doubt it's really a good idea to do business with friends. so much tat is so hard to say to each other. things that dun make business sense but you had to keep quiet afraid to affect the friendship. It's a really sucky feeling when you know that ppl wants you out and sugar coat their intentions. especially when it's coming from a friend. well.. i guess it's a good thing that it's ended too.

But just for the record, i never once doubt the potential of this company, never once doubt the quality of my partners and never once tot that the partnership would come to and end like this. Hope you guys will carry on to do well in your own private ventures eh.

though i know my commitment has been minimal, it has really been a highlight in my life.

ok ok.. think i better go catch some lunch before my mum or brother come home to find me dead on my laptop with my hands shafting paper in my mouth to curb my hunger! ha.

Durains tonight.. hmm. how unusual.

Mid Autum Fun with the kids!!

Had a weird and tiring night.. no doubt a wonderful time at vikki's place on Saturday night.
i guess it was meant to be be get together bbq after dunno how many donkey years. Aloy and estee was there..GuoQing came too.. Lots of ppl.. But i didnt really feel like mingling.. probably too tired after a whole afternoon doin STATS! Stupid stats! ha.

Ended up i went to relief some stress by spending time with the kids. Brought them to the play ground.. telling them nonsensical stories that made no sense to me(they made me tell stories.. so i told them glen kor kor tripped and fell over his armpit hair.. they actually tot it was funny.. haha).. playing pesi cola 123! (lost every single match to the Quek brothers!! ).. taking photos and teaching them to take photos! haha. so much fun.

Jacob boy was a terror!! goin around pulling ppl's shirt with that baby face of his!! almost ripped my shirt off too! hah. the quek brothers almost slammed my camera on the floor while fighting over it..(most of the shots below are taken by them!!) Rachael taking the slide dunno how many donkey times that even i got tired of watching her go up and down again. ha.

but the highlight of the day was when karen ran and give me a big hug out of nowhere! haha. so cute and chubby. Wat a day.. washes the stress away.. brings in a whole new batch of aches and pains in my back carrying them all night. ha.

Raphael.. my fav little boy!!









The Quek brothers in KungFu Poses! and they took the photos by themselves for each other! not bad rite!


















Grace's naughty "boyfriend". ha












Raphael again :)













Tabael in another KungFu pose. ha










how could i forget my little princess Rachael!

waiver's over! :)

done with my waiver exam yesterday! ha. i think i haven't written so much stuff for years!! my hand is still aching from all the writing.. too much of typing already. ha ha.

well.. was actually quite scary going for an exam unprepared. it's a waiver exam, which means if i pass the exam without taking the lesson, i'll be exempted from taking the module.. which also translate that i save money and i say time!

but then again... whoever said it was easy to pass something you know nothing off. :(

actually, that's not entirely true.. the subject is Effective Communications. The hard part is in not knowing what is expected of my answers in terms of academics. Not that i couldn't answer the questions.. i just don't know if i answered them the way they wanted.

Thank God that i was a History, Lit and Econs student before! even though that was really a long time ago (6-7 years in fact), my short stint of writing essays every day then came in really handy today.

Eventually, i wrote 8 pages of rubbish i give up.. i not hoping for a good score, cos all i need is to pass to not take the module. hee. but part of me already told myself to prepare for failure.. just in case. ha. well.. not many ppl passes the first time ok.. if i really do pass.. it'll must be God's grace! :)

well well.. it's over.. dun wanna think about it.. still got 2 more reports due.. plus 2 more video presentations also due next week!!! sianz.

That is not including work yet.. sianz.. how did i get myself so busy!!?? tat's my choice i guess. :X

Sanfranz!!! You.. you...ruined my blogging appetite!!! argh!!!

I'm on leave!!! hmm.. or 5 more days till i get back to work. The glass is half filled and half empty. so?

By right, i should have been very excited about the end of Army Open House and start posting stuff about it. But i didnt. not that i didnt want to.. but i just didnt. Not that there's nothing that i want to remember from it.. but i just didnt.

why wait till now? i have no idea.. i think that indian guy from India really threw me way off.. pissed me so much that i have lost the appetite to blog anything at all.

so before i tell you about AOH, i wanna bitch about that Indian guy who still gets on my nerves when i think about him!! (mind me for the language. ha)

AOH ended last mon night.. it was great. but one thing really hung at the back of my head. I had a project dateline on Tues might. worst of all.. it was a group project. Really had to apologize to the rest of my project group that i was really too tied up to give them any of my stuff before hand. I had to complete the designs.. write out the design brief. that was about it. i told myself that the work i almost done.. and i'll be able to finish it on tues afternoon. and i did.

rushed to sch from work tue evening.. walked into my class where they were already there.. including sarfranz<---- the indian guy. He was there looking at me with dagger eyes. As if i killed his family or something. Then he asked me a question.. rhetorical or was it sarcasm.. i couldnt tell then. he asked how i was doing. i was like "huh?". He knows i've been busy.. asking me tat question in tat tone and that eyes.. i dun know how to reply him. But i said i was fine.

within mins i and him were into and argument with him lecturing me about time management and that i should have done my work earlier (when he only finished his end of stuff 2 days ago!!!).

i know.. i should have stayed up late like 2 or 3 am to do up my stuff and wake up at 630 again for work. but i didnt.. cos i know i wouldnt make it thru AOH like that.but it's not like my work wasnt up to standard.. and he lecturing me those time management bullshit is not gonna help with anything at all! "..so will ya shut up?! " i was thinking.

didnt want to quarrel with him.. i jus kept quiet doin my stuff while the rest of my teammates look thru my work. The rest of them were ok.. but he wasnt satisfied. Give me the i could have done better look. (i really dun understand.. i'm the designer guy and he's the networking guy.. how could he have done any better when dun even know wat design elements are?!) I remember he insisted that i copied my design from SONY for the advert when i design the whole ad by scratch. i even checked that the original SONY ads are totally different.. but he feels that it's too professionally done to be my work! wat crap!!!

the whole night.. he was jus up against me. watever i did was not good enough when he didnt even read the stuff that i do. Let's say the design brief.. he didnt understand wat a design brief was and then he insisted on findin it out from the text book. i told him i should know was a design brief is because of my professional training.. but he refuse to believe me as wat i told him didnt match the text book. (the text book had absolutly NOTHING about design brief!!! It was a marketing book for GOd's sake!! not a design book!!) He insisted that all the answers should come from the text book. So he grabbed the closest thing to a design brief.. components of an advert. ???????????

we consulted with the lecturer as we couldnt come to consensus. She like my work apparently. He kept quiet when she was around. Once she's gone.. he said he'll continue to do it his style!!! "i think we'll still stick to the text book.. you cant be wrong following the text book" he says! argh!!!!.. stubborn mule!!! dunno whether to laugh or cry!!! ha.

it's all wrong.. he simply ignored the good work that i did when he really didnt even bother to look at my stuff. He still got the cheek to ask me to contribute when he got stuck with the work. i was fuming mad!! it's been some time since i raised my voice.. i told him..:"Apparently you havent read the stuff i wrote.. the answers are all there!!! if you just want to follow the stupid text book then what for you wanna get a tertiary education!"

i was serious.. industrial experience counts for nothing in his thick skull if it aint in the text book. then he might as well jus go buy some books and read it at home! why you need an education for? so that you continue to lose your reasoning abilities and just follow the TEXT BOOK!?? Text books, especially marketing ones, are merely are written by man who writes based on experience. situation changes and alot of things are arguable. but not too him.. the text book is the word of God!!!

i cant stand him!!!

thank God the group assignment is over and i havent killed him yet. I most definitely had the intention to! ha.

No relevance..jus wanna get it off my chest. phew.. i'm really feeling better. think i finally could continue to post other stuff already.ha

anyway.. tml's my waiver exam for effective comms. havent written an essay in years.. hopeful i'll be able to make the mark. if not i wouldnt be able to waive that module.. :( not expecting to pass though.. jus gonna try. all the best daniel.

AOH posting..?? another day perhaps. yawn. Remind me nver to group with Indians from India ever again.

oh baby!

babies made my day! especially yesterday.. went over to Jotham's 7th birthday party. time really flies.. i remember when he was jus a little kid.. and now he's all grown up already! ha. (not as in "grown up" kind of grown up la..grown up as in "talk back to you rebelliously" kind of grown up. ha). But honestly, the little ones are still my fav. Hee.

Went over to jenny's place to chat up and play with her kids after the birthday party. Her daughter is my fav of all the little toddlers! she looks so much like precious moments doll! haha. but dunno why she normally shuns me.. or rather all guys. but tonight was special..she warmed up to me eventually. :) like they always say.. a bundle of joy... mad screaming energetic bundle that is.

here's some picture from that night

this is Raphael! my second love. hee. he fell on his face trying to step on ballons. poor thing. :(

the Quek family with the birthday boy Jotham in the middle. Samuel is the proud father gleeming. ha

this is my beautiful little girl! rachael! muck!

Looking at her.. how i wished i had a kid of my own jus like her! hee. well.. they all grow up so fast. gonna miss them at this age. sigh

Hey grace.. hope your night's a little nicer with those kidos photos for you ya. hang in there.. :)

was jus reading a asian gay activist website that i came across. sad to say.. the gay scene in singapore is very much "alive". Seeing how organised this gay society is scares me. Disscusing deep into policies and diplomatic impacts and legislations that is either for the gay community. They even organises events and gatherings, to attend gay film awards or even a 2000 strong gay cruise trip! how sick is tat!

the worst thing remains that this site heavily condemns the Christian community for pettitioning against gay rights in sg. They describe christians as hypocrites who irrationally discriminate gays and suggest that we take muslims as our "enemy" and conspiring in our private moments in our cell groups becos we afraid of the goverment.

At first glance... i find it quite a joke and doubt anyone would actually lend all these articles any credibility. However, i looked further in to the circulation of the website and saw that they hav a pool of registered members clocking over 200, 000 ppl!

i know alot of this number are "members" out of curiosity but that is still an alarming number. I can't imagine if Singapore was to give in to them someday.. i'll be so dissapointed with the gov.

In the site, they mention some Christian anti gay activist in our gov that are heavily rallying to ban the gay movement and are so far successful in their effort. Good job guys! We definately need more christians in the gov especially in the circle of policy makers.

I pray God forgive this nation for this grave sin that you warned us so long ago about and may our God continue to reign over Singapore and pour His wisdom on the leaders of this wonderful nation that they will not be blinded and conform to society. Heighten their sense of righteousness.. be they christians or not.. let them see for themselve that this gay movement is really only a decay of the worst kind in our society.

matt called just the other day.

and i thank God he did. He called all the way from Australia.. the way he described it.. he was standing in the cold at a phone booth making the call. Was really nice to hear a familar voice that was ever so positive.. ever so sincere and honest.

It was a much appreciated phone call.. pretty much timely as well. Funny how he called to say how much he really enjoyed spending time with my church band.. or my ex-church band rather.. and how much he was looking forward to come visit the band again when he comes back.

I was dumbfounded for a while thinkin of a response.. wondering how i am gonna explain something i've been trying to figure for the past few weeks to a concerned friend.

well.. i was just glad he called.. cracked me up with his silly jokes like he always do. Eased away some tension of how i was gonna give him a politically correct answer without dumping in my irrational and bias inputs. But i'm sure he understood.

Do take care my friend. really miss those simpler times. be awaiting your safe return. We'll go crazy doin silly things with weihwa and gang again. ha

Fall in Love with Olivia

Bought myself another cd this year. 2 cds in fact. But the one that made me smile was definately Olivia.

Born in 1985, Olivia Ong debut happened on an international stage at the tender age of 19. Born and bred a singaporean, discovered by a japanese producer and moved over to japan to develop her singing career.

'Fall In Love With Olivia' is her 5th album i think. nothing really special about her songs actually. In fact, 90% of the album are old songs, but there's this beautiful quality to her voice that jus captures me. It's light jazzy tune and clear voices adds a degree of credibility to the lyrics.

Classics like 'Sometimes When We touch' and 'First of May' were definately my fav tracks. love it so much that it's on repeat on my mind right now.

Feels like i'm in a different place.. away from all the bustle from work, away from responsibilities, away from expectations, away from dissapointment. Just the kinds of thing i was looking forward to.

Really good chill out cd. Highly recommended. Second to Corrine. Which reminds me.. tml night's her concert. sianz.

It hurts when it hurts. There’s no need to justify the pain. It’ll still be the same. The damage is done. I’m not saying that I’ll keep rolling in it.. but the last thing I want to do is to kid myself that I’m ok with it.

I’m not ok.. far from it. Not sure I’ll ever be. If I had a choice.. I wouldn’t let a lot of things happen in my life. Things that very much affect me but yet there’s nothing I could do to avoid. The only way I was taught to deal was to accept it. Knowing well that everything is in His hands and that His will is in it.

But like I said, it doesn’t mean that knowing that fact makes it feel any better. Just gives me the will and motivation to bear the pain till it’s gone.

recently my heartbeat has either been faster or harder. I’m easily anxious about things, easily depressed. But me being me, continues to hide the anomalies going on. I’m disgusted by myself that I’ve becoming such a natural at it. Always a smile on my face when people are around when I know inside this whole spectrum of emotions and frustrations are raring to show!

I know I know. It’s nothing new about daniel. I’m bored too. But life is not in my favour. At least not now. I’m waiting for things to happen.

I hope it will..I know it will.

starting school tml.. a new start? or more hell to bear?

it has began..

not exactly the best of weeks i'm having here. besides me on course and taking a break from work.. everything else is either worrying me.. saddening me.. making me angry and even sometimes troubling me. I cant even sleep properly without thinking about these things to bed.

i should hav expected it.. the aftermath of Rev Chen leaving. It was really dead quiet the next few days after sun. My hair was standing. Everyone had their questions but no one asked.. so no one answered. People who knew kept quiet.. ppl who thought they knew let their half truths stir in them. People who didnt know continues to scratch their head. That is the begining of things to come.. the disgusting silence.

i dun assume i know the whole story.. i dun intend to. i just feel that things are done terribly wrong to manage this "crisis"(if i could call it). It's making things worst.. people are hurt.. ministries are disrupted.. people telling me they're leaving(i'm not sure if it's for the right reasons), telling me to "open up my eyes wide and see".

i gotta say i was hurt to a certain degree.. but i understand. but more so.. i'm not blind. i see the great divide. i see the things that they are doin to each other. Obviously this is a people problem. I cant bear to let it hurt the church. It's God we serve. No one else. i'm not in ministry to please man or to pleasure myself.

I love this church so much. Not only because i grew up here. it's the relationships and bonds i made here. The things God let me experienced here. The promise of so much to come in here.
The kids.. the youth.. the elders.. the aunties and uncles.. the people who were never into church politics. Here enjoying the the presences of God and of each other. the exact people who will be the victims if the church was to undergo another exodus. This much i know i'm not wrong. God isnt done with this church.

I really cant figure how some people could one moment tell me that they had great visions for this church and the next moment give up on it! Doesnt their vision counts? it hurts.. it sure does. but hurtful words are not gonna make it better.

i apologise if i offended anyone in anyway. This entry doesnt represent the views of anyone but me. There jus isnt enough clarity and love in this church. Everyone's hiding some agenda from each other. I'm jus frustrated.

I claim this church in God's name. No one else.. no other names. I pray God send us the wisdom and love to tide this time over.. and really fullfill the intent that God wants us to be.. as one.. to glorify His name.

In Quietness and Confidence is His Strength

Where can i find the strength to carry on from here?

"...In quietness and confidence is My strength."

Was thinking of this during sermon this morning.. a simple msg.. spoke right to my heart.
So where is this quiet confidence? to me.. it's in the knowing tat everything thing is in His hands. No need for panic.. no need for anxiety..the thought of it simply calms and warms my heart again. In quietness and confidence.. hmmm. sounds good. feels even better.

Lester's out of hospital.. looks really pale. trying to cheer him up a little. gonna ask him out after the camp. about time we caught up with each other. funny how it feels to see someone everyweek and yet still misses them. Guess it's not about seeing each rather.. but more of living each other's life that really rids us of the loneliness.

finally after dunno how many donkey years i pick up the table tennis bat once again. ha. really had fun today. my usual tag team partner(lester) not around. sian. but not a prob! i've got Grace with me today. haha. havent lost a match with her around.. not that i'm lousy la... jus that she's pretty good. (pretty and good?hmmm.. wat say you grace? haha). really brought back lots of memories of my sec sch times when i and lester play table tennis every day till like 11 pm!!! haha. think i gotta pick this up as a regular sport since my knees failing on me. sianz

goin back to camp soon. yawn. went to Mayday's concert last night! not bad.. free tickets somemore. haha. quiet enjoy myself. thanks chunsi! ha. next time got free tickets remember to find me.. not only chunsi.. anyone.. any concert.. anyone needs a date.. a bodyguard.. a chauffer. anything ya. haha. if i'm free i really dun mind. :)

goin to church camp this thurs.. so gonna be a short week! yeah! hee. mon got event.. weds i goin for physio.. so i only gonna work for 1 and half day! ha. i love this June!

back to work. ciao

black and white

dun really wanna blog nowadays.. got nothing to say anymore.. i feel like i'm living in a mime. lost my voice.. jus watching my black and white life go past.

in this black and white mime of mine.. there is this little window. A window where i'd always take a peek. Peeking at the world outside.

outside this window is a beautiful world of colours.. rainbow splashed.. i hear laughter.. humming of songs.. sounds of wind running thru the park. the sight and sound of a world i dun belong. I belong to the black and white mime.

i dun remember having to try so hard to be happy. not that i'm not. just tired tryin and sustaining and losing it again. things were easier before. everyone's trying with you. and slowly one by one found out how.. and u realised u're trying to smile by yourself. wondering wat's wrong with yourself.

the thing is.. nothing is really wrong.. nothing was ever wrong. you jus simply long to reach out to another life. then you realised it's not about being happy. it's really about lonliness. i'd rather laugh and cry and whine and do anything together with someone rather than alone. but then again.. you're never really alone. you jus chose the people you want to do them with. people reaching out to you.. you're reaching out to someone else. everyone's neglected. But of cos those who found each other has a different story.

work has dulled me.. people has failed me.. the world is laughing at me.. and worst of all.. i cant stand me.

people telling me they were afraid to talk to me.. telling me they were kept their distance from me. i really wonder wat kind of a person i am. i guess the smiles i'm seeing all these while aint real. at least most of them. if i had the chance.. i'd really wanna meet daniel.


wat's keepin me awake? unsatisfaction i guess. people telling me things i dun understand. people shunning me.. i dun understand. people expecting me to do things that they think i ought to.. they dun understand.

good thing one thing i do understand.. this tv is a colour tv. only the program is black and white. all i need to do is to change the channel.

2 things.. i gotta first find the remote. And i kind of like watching black and white oldies. Maybe i'll hang on a little long to see wat happens before i channel surf.

guess you'll never really know

relationships of all kinds breaking down everywhere.. so fragile.
between lovers.. families.. friends.. nothing is really forever.

scary how people change.. how people forgets their commitments and the things they said before.. scarier how people belittle the consequences for unworthy causes.

even marraige meant so much less nowadays. the band and binds 2 lives together? seems like it's only binding when they're in love. so much for "for better or for worst.."

someone told me to find the right person.. but i guess you can only ever find the right person for tat particular moment.. will i ever know if that person is really the right one for me for life? what if some time down the road.. that "right" person dun feel so right anymore?

guess you'll never really know.

People say change is the only constant.. i say You Lord.. You stay the same.. faithful as always.
Put God in the center of every relationship.. may it stay the same too. thats all i can say.

i saw passion die

shook myself awake.. almost fell off the couch i was sleepin on. still grabbing on the the green cushion.. still wrapped in my blanket with the funny odur. i realised i was panting.. my eyes puffy and swollen as if i've spent the night crying.

Must be a bad dream.. flipping thru the recollections of my dreams last night.. only to find i wasnt too good at remembering dreams. But one thing i do remembered.. almost vivid.. i remember i saw passion died.. and i cried.

still on my couch.. not asleep anymore but i closed my eyes trying hard to remember wat made me cry so hard in my dreams. Then i saw his face.. Mr Cher.

Mr Cher was my primary school teacher.. he taught me science and english. He was one of my favourite teacher and i always enjoy his lesson and excursions. His hair looked like a wig to me.. but then again.. who would put on a greying wig. remembered how he'll always pull the hair on my sideburns when i "forget" to hand in my homework once... and again.. and again. ha.

To the primary school Me.. he was jus a nice teacher.. treating us to little treats and movies when he could. but when i looked back.. there was something different about him. His dedication to his job and his passion to teach and mould lifes thru unconventional methods really impresses me.

kindda think of it.. it's been so many years already.. i havent seen him in at least the past 5 to 6 years.

in my dreams.. i was jus walking along a crowded street with a chatty friend. that friend kept talking to me about something.. dun remember.. wasnt interested. once in a while i'll look in his direction, smile and knod my head if case he found out i wasnt listening.

i kept looking forward.. from afar.. i saw a familar face.. thats him.. Mr Cher. Dun know why.. a rush of warm air just flowed thru my heart.. the kind of feeling that u get when u saw an old friend. He didnt see me. i walked over.. intently decided to say hello.

finally when i was approaching him.. pushing thru the crowds.. he saw me. he was at first smiling and talkin to his friend. but when he saw me.. that smile jus eroded. He looked stern into my face.. i know he still recognises me. holding a ciragrette between his fingers..the stern look started to fade. there i was standing.. i didnt know how to react.. he didnt seem like the Mr Cher i remembered. His eyes look down.. as if ashamed of himself.. i didnt dared to get any closer.

i'm not sure if he's still a teacher.. dun know wat he's done to feel this way.. but he's totally a different person from i've known. i saw that passion in him die before my eyes. i jus stood there. watch it die.

my eyes went blury with tears fillin it up. He looked like an empty shell to me now. i couldnt take it anymore..i turned and walked fast.. didnt want to run.. dun wan to seem like it mattered.. trying to hold back my tears.. fearing ppl would be looking at me. but more importantly.. he didnt catch up.. he didnt even try. i cried even harder.

shook myself awake.. almost fell off the couch i was sleepin on. still grabbing on the the green cushion.. still wrapped in my blanket with the funny odur. i realised i was panting.. my eyes puffy and swollen as if i've spent the night crying.

wonder how he's doin now. wonder why i had this dream.. i never want to see passion die again.. not even mine.

just thinking

sometimes i sit around thinking... thinking about u.. thinking if u were sitting around thinking about me. Not sure if you did.. even if you did.. you'd probably be thinking in a different context.

does it matter?

honestly, it does to me... but then again... i'm jus thinking.

Posting : Signal Institute!

so tired goin thru the whole spectrum of emotions.. everything is driving a part of me.. from work.. to business.. to friends.. to deaths.. to His spirit. Thank God He kept me in check.

tot this week was supposed to be a slack week.. being on course and stuff.. end up being one of the longest week i had in a long time. Packed my schedule to the max. trying to settle as much as possible before heading back to camp again. Drained me mentally. THe good thing is that i slept well this week.. so tired that i fall right asleep once i hit the bed. ha.

By the way.. got my posting le. Thank God that He took care of things for me.. i'm goin to Signal Institute! hee. probably an instuctor there.. gonna free up alot of my time for Iimagine and for church. but actually quite sad having to leave 3sig.. more or less rooted here already. Quite exciting to finally get a change of enviroment.

too tired to carry on.. nitez

keep walking

I jus kept walking.. i think it's far enough. Forgotten how long it took us to get this far.. even the memories tire me.

Wondering where this road will end. Come on..i kept telling myself.. jus keep walking.. take a break if you must. but jus keep walking.

took a breather.. i think it's long enough.. when do i stop walkin? where am i goin? Or rather why am i walkin? i really dun remember.. the rain has stopped.. the sun is out.. but still

Back at where i began. The spot i took my first step. the spot i revisited so many times.. i think it's long enough. maybe i never left the spot like you said.. maybe.

The rain is gone.. the sun is really up this time round.. does it matter? i think it's long enough.. U were walkin away from me while i was foolishly following. I tot i'll eventually get somewhere.. eventually. Someday, one of us will hav to stop. You stopping for me.. or maybe i'll stop walking.

I think it's long enough.. so where we walkin to? not gonna last much longer. but jus keep walking please.

Someday.. one of us will hav to stop walking

yawn.. it's sat morning again.. aching all over from SOC and all the runs everyday last week. my back seemed strained.. shoulders tensed.. calf feels like goin into a cramp anytime.. the gel pads in my knees wearing thin.. ankle seems to have cracking sound. haha. oh man.. think my body's broken! haha. actually no that serious la.. jus need some rest. :)

will be on course for the whole of next week.. goin back to Singapore Poly from mon to weds! ha. always so exciting to go back to my alma mater. Missed the foodcourts over there.. especially the fc6. the thing is i've forgotten wat course i'm attending and where i am supposed to report to le. haha. think better make some phone calls tml to find out.

about time for me to post out of 3Signal finally.. so where to next? recently there has been alot of talks of where all the 2sg will be posted to.. and i thank God that ppl are giving me alot of attention and fighting for a good posting for me. But then again.. "good postings" are not wat i actually wanted. To my bosses.. being a instructor means to be condemned. But thats wat i wanted to do. They intend to put me to some high profile battalions to groom me and expose me.. but then for me.. all i want is a more regulated time so that i can do more stuff on my own. Teaching is something that really interest me as well. Dun want all the knowledge i accuired from 3Sig to go to waste.. haha. well.. it's slacker over at Signal Institute as well. ha.

Already told my bosses of my intention to leave army and told them to leave the chance to groom me to someone else. Really appreciate wat my superiors are doin.. but sorry.. i've got some other plans already.

still trying to comprehend the situation. Seems like a new start.. but kept feeling something is amissed. Like i'm starting to watch a movie from the middle. Kept asking myself today.. why is it happening again? this time i know i really suck at this.. blank as a paper... as lost as a boat in the ocean. only in these times i'm truly dumbfounded.

kept wondering if i am begining to be a nuisance to her.. and either i'm too insensitive to notice or i think she's not interested in my bullshit. ha. i really dun know. if you're reading this.. i'm sorry. Just hoping we'll drop the facade this time round. tell me if u're angry.. tell me if u're frustrated.. tell me if i'm appreciated.. tell me if i'm wrong. i really wanna make it work this time.

you're right. it's true.. we're different ppl now. and i really hope this time the outcome would be different too.

the dog lie sleeping on top of my monitor..

how many years was that already? 8? 9 years?

and you're still sleeping on top of my monitor.

hmmm... sweet dreams then