Sunday, February 26, 2006

so wat are you doin today?

i'm a little lost these days.. kept wondering where did all the people go to. A little offline with the rythm of life. Dun understand. Suddenly felt so alone this afternoon. Everyone seemed to have somewhere to go.. someone to meet.. something to do. But me? I'm not too sure.

Wondering if the whole world had a secret life behind my back.. or was it i'm living in my own little world. I never could tell.

Thought i was busy.. didnt have time for others.. guess it's the other way round. Kept myself busy cos i'm afraid to see the day when others have no time for me. Guess besides church and work.. i dun really have a social life anymore.

Nope.. i'm not sad.. i'm jus a little lost.. give me time.. i'll find my way. Nothing much to do now.

so wat are you doin today?

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

once more... it's been sometime. close to a month of silence.

feels more like an atomic cell.. so calm on the outside.. but in the inside so much activities and collision goin on. Life's never really boring for me.. it's either too good or it really sucks.

I never know where to begin.. but there's always this irritating irony that everything in my life seemed so right and i jus had to screw it up. And it is by choice.. to feel bad about myself.. or not to. I guess i chose the former.

Recalled my life some time back.. when i really had serious inferior complex, felt like i was a loser in everything i did. School.. relationships.. family.. church.. i always felt i was second best.. and it didnt matter to me. Everything came crashing. Dropped out of school.. screwed up my first relationship.. couldnt bother more with my family and almost quited church.

But GOd woke me up.. put me back on tracks. I realised that's not who i was meant to be.. and i couldnt let all this blessing and gifts God had given me go to waste. He had a purpose for me and i told myself i dun wanna live in self pity anymore. I want the life God had intended for me!

That was 9 or 10 years back.. rite now.. my life still has its up and downs.. but life had never been clearer.. i had never been more sure that my life is in safe hands. But the picture hasnt been perfect. It felt like a disability.. like a hurdle i never could overcome.

My family had nv been complete.. Dad hasnt been around since i was pretty young.. Thank God for my mum.. she braved the storms to bring us up. I've forgiven my dad for wat he did. I was thinking... wats the big deal if i grew up without my father around? I nv understood.. i tot it made me stronger tats all. My mum's peers was always worried that i might have hurts becos of my family situation.. afraid that i'll bring that hurt into my own relationships.. suggesting that i go for counselling. ha. I always snugged it off with a laugh.. wats the matter with these people? they make it look like i have a problem!

Maybe they were partially right. I'm almost 23 this year and when i start to ponder whats wrong with me.. i'm starting to see their concern. I gotta admit that i have serious insecurities when it comes to relationships. Heard the word around is that i could be a very good friend.. but a terrible boyfriend. Now i understand why.

Like i said.. a disability. Like i'm crippled emotionally.. i'm afraid that i cant deliver when it comes to commitment.. becos my dad wasnt around to be a role model husband or father to me. Or tat i'll be like my father.. falter and fall into the helms of infidility. Hurting the woman he once so loved. Expectations mounting as my impression of a relationship is built upon layers and layers of idealism. sharing our lives together sounds really great.. But rather sharing my imperfect life with her? I'm sure she deserves better than having to partake in my miserable lifestyle. I'm jus not sure i'm up to it.. and i'll rather not try than to risk hurting the woman i love.

I'm sure that's pretty wrong.. but i cant help it. It's probably still alright if i havent found someone. But when that person came along.. i feel like i'm in this tug of war inside.. one side dying to tell her that i really do love her.. the other pulling me away in the name of "not hurting" her. Telling myself i deserved it everytime a setback occurs. Hiding my disability behind this facade, only to kick myself in the hours of silence. Looked at myself from a third person.. i spat at myself. Wat bullshit! I see the reminiscence of an almost forgotten past. That branded loser i so despise. I dun like wat i see. I need help.