I'm feeling lost today.

End of my busy period.. finally. Took some day offs to spend some time to catch up with life. Bad move. i didn't know what to do with all the time i had.

downloaded serials.. but always empty after finishing. chasing after another. meaningless.

walked around.. took the bus around.. even the train too. traveled half of Singapore looking for things to do.. only to tire myself further. Went all the way to town to try a shirt i remember i saw months ago.. only to find i hate that shirt and went on my way out of town again.

I'm lost.. like really lost. the worst thing is I'm too afraid to ask for directions. Afraid of being around with people i know. Thinking of asking people out for a chat.. a drink.. a walk.. a movie.. dinner maybe? Isn't this what people do? but i couldn't do it. It suddenly occurred to me i really didn't know how.

I always pride myself for my ease to network. To be able to hold a glass and walk the floor and strike a conversation with anyone if i wanted to. I am so naive. I am a bankrupt when it comes to social skills. i realise any real conversation i ever had were hardly initiated by me. I'm always scratching the surface, my scratch hardly deep enough to make an impression. i stutter before those i cannot fool.. i avoid those who could see me through.

no wonder I'm where i am. no wonder my relations hardly worked before. I have been building the latitude of my relations. but there was hardly any depth.. any altitude. Credit to my lack of social capacity.. my emotional deficiency and a whole lot of fear.

Don't want to talk to people about myself.. my plans or what i think even. But what do real people talk about? i wonder.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe real relations are supposed to be awkward feeling sometimes. i wouldn't know.

who am i kidding? I haven't been completely honest. Not with you.. not with God.. not even myself. Telling myself I've got it all together.. cleaned up my act.. on my way to something.. something meaningful. who exactly am i kidding?

I'm lost. Frustrated. I've no idea why I'm in this. My veil is so thin. My soul.. obviously shallow.

I couldn't answer the simplest of questions to defend my faith. I wouldn't stand a chance trying. One song would break me down. But still..i keep hearing myself trying to buff me for more than i truly am.

I've love to say i really hate Daniel.. but i don't. I know i shouldn't. But what would it take to wake me up? Isn't it easier for someone asleep to wake up than to wake someone who's trying to look like he's sleeping?

Hate how easy it is to forget. Why You have to make me so forgetful. Why make sin so forgettable.

Silly me. Who was i kidding? I wouldn't stand a chance.

Gone

the story's gone. Feels out of place here.

had to put it somewhere else.. with a title to the story now.

:)