Not exactly a good week.. screwed for the tiniest of things. Not even my fault. irritating. I dun think in my 4 years of Army had anyone reprimanded me for nothing like he did. Well.. he's doin me a favor.. affirming me that this is not the place i would like to stay for too long.
Something fundamentally wrong with the management in Army. It's working at the moment doesn't mean it should be the way. Telling us in the face that the turn over rate is still healthy.. making it an excuse not to address issues. I think its more that they dun wanna feel taken hostage to abide by our real concerns with us threatening to quit.
But this is not it.. it is a natural fact that if satisfaction cannot be found here.. people will go. Can't go 3G without first changing the 1G command attitude. The commanders seems to be engaging and putting up the front for the NSF.. while behind the scene.. nothing much changed. At least that's what i feel here.
Looking at the large number of people leaving.. i hope they are getting the msg.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
My Blueberry Nights
i watched My Blueberry Nights on my graveyard shift the other night. Nothing really much to do around there. Imagine.. hanging around.. just in case. -_-"
Haven't watched a film that made me think so much after.. i really like the show. I like the approach.. the style of photography.. most importantly, i like the fact that it made me learn something new about myself.
It is true that people seldom see you for who you are or what you're worth. And along the way, you fumble between overestimating or undermining yourself that you slowly, but surely, forgotten who you are anymore. It is always about who I want to be.. what I want to do.. how I want things to turn out. But do we really know what is best for us? We probably don't.
i look myself in the mirror and i hardly know who daniel really is. but i love the fact that i'm finding out who he is from the mouth of others. Everyday, i learn something new about myself. Its like reading a book.. each page reveals a little to piece it up to the grand design.
It definitely feels great getting to know yourself.. but on the other hand.. it can sometimes be hard to like what i see. i look at daniel from the outside and sometimes all i really see is a lonely man who choses to be alone on his own accord.. because he thought it suits him better this way.. that it justifies for the awkward years that he passed. An addict for solitude.. a masochist of kind. Not because he enjoys it.. but because it felt deserving and befitting to be like this.
It is like drinking alone. For goodness sake.. liquor taste nothing fantastic. But who was ever really downing them for the taste. Its how it makes you feel. Rightfully high.. rightfully miserable. They are looking for justification. oh precious, instant justification.
something struck me ridiculous from the show. Jeremy,(the owner of the cafe in NY), he keeps a jar of keys all left behind by his customers. Behind every key is a story. Someone leaving.. someone left.. someone waiting and some who just can't let go. He remembers something his mummy told him when he was a little boy.. that if he was ever lost.. he was to stay exactly where he was and she'll come back for him.
Sounds like wisdom to him.. he thought love was the same. That if he stayed and hung on where he lost his love.. it'll come back looking for him. That's exactly what he did. He never left his cafe.. he never change anything about himself. He stayed where he was.. just in case his love came back looking for him and she'll find him exactly who he was before. He thought if he kept those keys in the jars.. the very least is that he kept a possibility to open the doors.
He had to learn the hard way that it didn't work that way..that it wasn't about the door.. that even if the keys someday were to open these doors again.. the person you're looking for probably isn't there anymore. He was waiting to open the door to an empty room. A fool waiting for nothing.
He threw away all the keys in the end. Wondering what he had been missing all these while when he had his eyes dead fixed on that door.
Haven't watched a film that made me think so much after.. i really like the show. I like the approach.. the style of photography.. most importantly, i like the fact that it made me learn something new about myself.
It is true that people seldom see you for who you are or what you're worth. And along the way, you fumble between overestimating or undermining yourself that you slowly, but surely, forgotten who you are anymore. It is always about who I want to be.. what I want to do.. how I want things to turn out. But do we really know what is best for us? We probably don't.
i look myself in the mirror and i hardly know who daniel really is. but i love the fact that i'm finding out who he is from the mouth of others. Everyday, i learn something new about myself. Its like reading a book.. each page reveals a little to piece it up to the grand design.
It definitely feels great getting to know yourself.. but on the other hand.. it can sometimes be hard to like what i see. i look at daniel from the outside and sometimes all i really see is a lonely man who choses to be alone on his own accord.. because he thought it suits him better this way.. that it justifies for the awkward years that he passed. An addict for solitude.. a masochist of kind. Not because he enjoys it.. but because it felt deserving and befitting to be like this.
It is like drinking alone. For goodness sake.. liquor taste nothing fantastic. But who was ever really downing them for the taste. Its how it makes you feel. Rightfully high.. rightfully miserable. They are looking for justification. oh precious, instant justification.
something struck me ridiculous from the show. Jeremy,(the owner of the cafe in NY), he keeps a jar of keys all left behind by his customers. Behind every key is a story. Someone leaving.. someone left.. someone waiting and some who just can't let go. He remembers something his mummy told him when he was a little boy.. that if he was ever lost.. he was to stay exactly where he was and she'll come back for him.
Sounds like wisdom to him.. he thought love was the same. That if he stayed and hung on where he lost his love.. it'll come back looking for him. That's exactly what he did. He never left his cafe.. he never change anything about himself. He stayed where he was.. just in case his love came back looking for him and she'll find him exactly who he was before. He thought if he kept those keys in the jars.. the very least is that he kept a possibility to open the doors.
He had to learn the hard way that it didn't work that way..that it wasn't about the door.. that even if the keys someday were to open these doors again.. the person you're looking for probably isn't there anymore. He was waiting to open the door to an empty room. A fool waiting for nothing.
He threw away all the keys in the end. Wondering what he had been missing all these while when he had his eyes dead fixed on that door.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
123 我们都是木头人 (下)
david tao didnt disappoint. the crowd did.
nevertheless.. david rocks! haha. i mean he really rocked the stadium man! as usual... i'm impressed. the arrangements over all the old songs.. made them sparkling new! like i've never heard before. ha
now when i think back.. Mayday's concert cant hold a candle to david's. Sometimes its not about nice songs.. it aint enough. David's concert oozes substances. Hard not to be inspired after every song. nothing like seeing musicians enjoying themselves.
we'll i think it's true.. last album in dec. hope he'll make a come back.. i promise i wont laugh at him goin back on his word. ha. but if david stops making music.. i've got nothing to look forward to anymore..(maybe still got jacky cheung and wang lee hom.. hee)
bottom line is.. i enjoyed myself.. God gained the glory from his testimonies.. everyone's happy.
nevertheless.. david rocks! haha. i mean he really rocked the stadium man! as usual... i'm impressed. the arrangements over all the old songs.. made them sparkling new! like i've never heard before. ha
now when i think back.. Mayday's concert cant hold a candle to david's. Sometimes its not about nice songs.. it aint enough. David's concert oozes substances. Hard not to be inspired after every song. nothing like seeing musicians enjoying themselves.
we'll i think it's true.. last album in dec. hope he'll make a come back.. i promise i wont laugh at him goin back on his word. ha. but if david stops making music.. i've got nothing to look forward to anymore..(maybe still got jacky cheung and wang lee hom.. hee)
bottom line is.. i enjoyed myself.. God gained the glory from his testimonies.. everyone's happy.
Beautiful
Saturday, April 19, 2008
123 我们都是木头人
counting down to david tao.. 5.. 4 ...3.. 2.. yawn. Opps. tml night's the night! david in action.. haha. a year plus since his last concert.. but cant wait to see what he's got with new arrangements and stuff. ha. i remembered i throughly enjoyed myself the other time. actually much more than the mayday concert.
well well.. it better be good tml. his last album coming soon.. and then bye bye david tao.. or so he say. ha. really quite wasted if he ends now.. argh.. irritating.. why did it have to stop. :(
Today i comprehend what i'm actually supposed to do in camp.. what the army is paying me for. Haiz.. thinking about it.. its really quite a tough one. Managing expectations.. both ends of it.. breaking bad news and making them sound reasonable. Come on.. as if they dun know i'm trying to fool them. But that's partially what i'm paid for. the bad news man.. sianz. the worst thing is i think i'm immune to the pain in seeing them heading towards shit.. partly because i know there isnt much i can do about it.. partly because it doesnt really concern me.. why invest so much of myself in it.
Else where.. i probably could do much more.. but in the army.. they've always been pacifying me. arghh.. irritating. i've been complaining and raising issues of fairness.. or elitism.. of admin lapse.. plain stupid directives but they nv seem to get thru. They just say "i totally understand and agree with you.. but it's beyond my pay grade to address your problem". Duh! Talk about chain of command.. the stopped my complaint and threw it out right there.. how it is ever gonna get to the person who can actually do something about it?? Irritating.
Maybe i should be writing a song about it like david tao.. haha. i might get famous you know.. ha. maybe not.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Come back when you really have something to say!
while people are talking about starting revolutions.. embarking on new journeys.. the new girl in class.. i'm starting to wonder what stirs me.
realised that i'm more wounded than hurt.. more restless than tired. i tot nothing can stir me anymore. I know i still have it inside.. the music within.. the inherent purpose.. but then again.. what good can i be if i'm still me. Overrated me. Procrastinating me.
So what if you can speak? Come back when you really have something to say!
bang bang bang.. an empty vessel. My book is filled with empty pages. Tore some of the pages myself. Things written.. rather not written before.
Run.. run with the wind.. run like you haven't got lungs.. run like there's no tomorrow. But still.. someday you'll have to stop running. who you trying to kid? Who'll be there when you stop running? I tot you'd be.. but i was wrong. You never waited for me. All of you never did. You ran your own races.. in your own strides.. in your own paces.. in your own directions.. you didn't think it mattered.
I'd rather run by myself now.. in case you disappoint me again. If i happen to see you.. i'll stop and say hi. but i wont ask to run with you. Dun want the weight of this expectation to root my feet. Dun want to look like a fool again.
I hate myself for rattling on.. and on and on.. but guess who filled my pages. guess who filled my pages with grudge and complaints.. who left me like this. You know who you are.
Dun worry.. i'll tear these pages apart. what the heck.. i'll throw this whole book away.
So what if you can speak? Come back when you really have something to say!
realised that i'm more wounded than hurt.. more restless than tired. i tot nothing can stir me anymore. I know i still have it inside.. the music within.. the inherent purpose.. but then again.. what good can i be if i'm still me. Overrated me. Procrastinating me.
So what if you can speak? Come back when you really have something to say!
bang bang bang.. an empty vessel. My book is filled with empty pages. Tore some of the pages myself. Things written.. rather not written before.
Run.. run with the wind.. run like you haven't got lungs.. run like there's no tomorrow. But still.. someday you'll have to stop running. who you trying to kid? Who'll be there when you stop running? I tot you'd be.. but i was wrong. You never waited for me. All of you never did. You ran your own races.. in your own strides.. in your own paces.. in your own directions.. you didn't think it mattered.
I'd rather run by myself now.. in case you disappoint me again. If i happen to see you.. i'll stop and say hi. but i wont ask to run with you. Dun want the weight of this expectation to root my feet. Dun want to look like a fool again.
I hate myself for rattling on.. and on and on.. but guess who filled my pages. guess who filled my pages with grudge and complaints.. who left me like this. You know who you are.
Dun worry.. i'll tear these pages apart. what the heck.. i'll throw this whole book away.
So what if you can speak? Come back when you really have something to say!
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Boom!
Boom!
i turned around looking from where the sound came from.. i see a wave. a wave of black and white smoke and debris and stone and concrete and steel. like a tsunami.. it sweeps everything in its path.
i see it coming.. My fragile body can feel the shock waves coming.. but i know there's no point running. I stood there.. enjoying the majesty of the moment. Taking in the fact that this is it. i can feel the wind between my fingers as it rushes away from the smoke.. i wish i could run too.. but i'm not the wind. So this is it. where my journey ends. Or at least what i thought.
Before i knew it.. i was before this great wall of destruction.. cliche as it is.. time for once stood still. A final salute.. my last hurrah.. my closing curtain. For once, time stood still for me.
i could see clearly what was in the smoke.. and i know i'll be part of it in no time. i thought in the movies.. your life was supposed to be flashing before your eyes or something. Bullshit. It never happened. Or have i ever had a life worth remembering in the first place. All i could think of is if i was supposed to be thinking at all in the face of my end. i was trembling with fear.. but i let out a grin.. laughing at myself. My eyes could hardly open wide with the wind pouring in. but i had to see this for myself.
It's getting louder and louder. and suddenly, it's here. I dun hear a thing anymore.. like sound just got sucked out of this world. I couldn't open my eyes anymore. I feel my body rammed so hard against this wall that my body flies backwards.. the debris in the air cuts my face and my body.. my lungs ruptured by the compression. I thought it was gonna be quick.. i was wrong. Every cut was ever so vivid.. ever so painful.
The blast threw me so far away.. i slammed against this wall and ended my flight. my arms and legs felt broken from the impact. The blast lost steam and slowly danced off to a whimper. leaving me shattered and bleeding. finding it so hard to breath.. i thought i rather die. on the ash and stones littered floor i laid.. face on the floor.. tats it? thats all? i think it's over.
ashes raining over me in black flakes.. the air smelt like burnt rubber.. my body feels so swollen. i close my eyes. Hoping it'll end just here. The whole world closing in on me.. or did i just shut the world out.
my world is in darkness now. Am i dead? i really don't know. How do i check? It doesn't really matter anyway.
But it sure was fun being blasted away.
i turned around looking from where the sound came from.. i see a wave. a wave of black and white smoke and debris and stone and concrete and steel. like a tsunami.. it sweeps everything in its path.
i see it coming.. My fragile body can feel the shock waves coming.. but i know there's no point running. I stood there.. enjoying the majesty of the moment. Taking in the fact that this is it. i can feel the wind between my fingers as it rushes away from the smoke.. i wish i could run too.. but i'm not the wind. So this is it. where my journey ends. Or at least what i thought.
Before i knew it.. i was before this great wall of destruction.. cliche as it is.. time for once stood still. A final salute.. my last hurrah.. my closing curtain. For once, time stood still for me.
i could see clearly what was in the smoke.. and i know i'll be part of it in no time. i thought in the movies.. your life was supposed to be flashing before your eyes or something. Bullshit. It never happened. Or have i ever had a life worth remembering in the first place. All i could think of is if i was supposed to be thinking at all in the face of my end. i was trembling with fear.. but i let out a grin.. laughing at myself. My eyes could hardly open wide with the wind pouring in. but i had to see this for myself.
It's getting louder and louder. and suddenly, it's here. I dun hear a thing anymore.. like sound just got sucked out of this world. I couldn't open my eyes anymore. I feel my body rammed so hard against this wall that my body flies backwards.. the debris in the air cuts my face and my body.. my lungs ruptured by the compression. I thought it was gonna be quick.. i was wrong. Every cut was ever so vivid.. ever so painful.
The blast threw me so far away.. i slammed against this wall and ended my flight. my arms and legs felt broken from the impact. The blast lost steam and slowly danced off to a whimper. leaving me shattered and bleeding. finding it so hard to breath.. i thought i rather die. on the ash and stones littered floor i laid.. face on the floor.. tats it? thats all? i think it's over.
ashes raining over me in black flakes.. the air smelt like burnt rubber.. my body feels so swollen. i close my eyes. Hoping it'll end just here. The whole world closing in on me.. or did i just shut the world out.
my world is in darkness now. Am i dead? i really don't know. How do i check? It doesn't really matter anyway.
But it sure was fun being blasted away.
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