Christmas is over. well.. not really, it's never really over. thats not the point. the point is, Christmas is different this year. definately different. i think i gotta start getting used to it. New year is even over.. now's the jan birthday season now. One thing after another.. but it's so different now. Well.. wat was i expecting?

well.. i said i wanted to post after my trip.. but i didnt. i was busy.. i was tired.. i was held up with stuff.. i just plain didnt bothered. i've got nothing to say actually. everyday gone by but i feel so task orientated. this familiar feeling of unsatisfaction again. It's been good actually, better than i thought it would be. But cant help feeling that it could be so much more.

not just talking about church. About my work, about my life, about my family, about my friends. Everyone, including myself, fell short of my expectations. not that my expectations meant anything to them. i'm just sighing. thinking there could have been so much more in my life.

BUT! one thing did surpass my expectations! Toa Payoh HBD Hub foodcourt's ROJAK!!! my mummy wanted to eat over there and go visit the HBD showrooms as well.. but i was thinking " All the way to HDB for a plate of Rojak?!" oh boy was i pleasantly surprised by the rojak!

i walked up to the modern look stall as ordered a $3 plate of Rojak.. the uncle took my money and gave me number chip pointing to the automated number calling machine(those that you'll find in hospitals or clinics calling for paitent's numbers). He told me to collect when my number's up. i was stunned for a moment.. used to getting my rojak fast. this is pretty new.

i saw that my number is still quite some digits away.. went back to my seat to chat with my mummy for a while. She told me that this is the only place she know that has 2 stalls of Rojak in the same food court. the amazing thing is that both the stalls are of the same owner!!!

2 stalls! and i'm waiting for my rojak with a number chip.. either they're damn slow or they're really damn good!. haha. i hope it's the latter. hee.

15mins wait.. it's here! holding the weight of the $3 plate of rojak in my hand.. i can tell the uncle is really generous. the ingredients are fresh.. the you tiao is super crunchy! i cant stop eating! arghhh... damn nice. haha

long since i've been this impressed! must try.. Toa Payoh HBD Hub basement foodcourt!

ha.. sorry for the sudden food craving surge. *slurp

Shanghaied

i'm back! it's been so long...! (one week actually) ha. but i really missed reading blogs! was trying to blog in china, but you know.. china being a communist country, blocked most of the blogs from the internet over there. sianz. no way in.. no way out.

so many small experiences i wanted to blog on the spot while the memories were still hot, but let it simmer. sianz. ha. well.. still got the photos though. over the next few days will continue to top it up in here. Hopefully i still remember though. ha.

well.. generally, the middle kingdom is fine. finer than i thought. beijing was clean and organised(except for a few kids peeing on public pavement incidents. ha). things werent really cheap unless you go to those places selling AAA standard fakes. but one thing sure impresses, the ladies! oh yeah.. they were more than fine for me. ha. wait wait.. before you condem me into dirty old man region, i'm talking about how they present and carry themselves. ha.

i was wondering, what was different between the girls over there and in sg. well.. i really have no idea.. was it wat they ate? (my shxt does look different from my diet over there.. :x), the weather? cold so they start dressing up maybe? think it's really the whole package. The poise and manners. the dedication and the gentleness they exude.

maybe it's just the girls i met. lucky me.ha. anyway, before their female counterparts in sg start to curse and swear at me, i still prefer local though. they look more comfortable in their own skin, warmer and more welcoming. So support the Made In Singapore lable people! :)

ha. i bet the girls are also complaining about the local guys, but it's just different i guess. China opened up my eyes, and excuse me.. it's not just the girls that are eye opening. ha. they speed at which they progress, that they built, their crazy global ambitions. scary how this small dot is gonna compete with the awaken dragon.

well well.. i'm sitting in mos burger surfing. getting cold in here and my tummy is feeling funny. think i better make a trip to the xi shou jian(wash room in china). ha

*poof*

goin back to camp soon.. but more importantly.. TML I'M ON DUTY!! sianz.. 8Sig really quite a lot of duty.

anyway.. flying off to China on thurs! hee.. well.. a lot of things for thurs.. glen goin to army on thurs also! ha. all the best bro. may you be like a beacon of light in the army.. never falter to the temptations and coming out a stronger than ever! May you experience God in there like never before! and may our Father watch over you and keep you safe ya!

Just had Glen's farewell hightea yesterday at Raffles the plaza. ha.. food wasnt too bad.. and jackson(100plus guy) popped up with lester! ha.. long time no see. had a nice chat all afternoon. still the same old guy like so many donkey years ago. he said he's back for good this time round.. think he's trying to find a job with the foreign ministry. ha. all the best and welcome back yeah.

watch 2 shows yesterday.. enchanted and Hitman. Loved enchanted! haha. super lame.. happy ending.. just the way i like it. ha. Hitman on the other hand.. well.. bang bang bang.. thats about it. :(

anyway.. grace had her hair cut really short. ha. unexpected move girl! tot i had xi li zun bei le.. but still managed to suprise me. ha. but it looks really cute though. dun worry about ppl laughing or staring ya.. they just not used to you in short hair yet. hee.

anyway.. gotta go. back to camp that is.. yawn. :(

yawn.. Change of Command parade tml.. Doing Cue master. sianz.

cant wait for sat to come! hee. but it seems band prac.. movie and high tea a little tight to be squeezing into half a day. ha. oh well.. will see how.

sweet dreams daniel..

if i asked you you say yes?

just finished my CO's evening. For those who dun understand what that is.. it's like a cohesion night dedicated to my Commanding Officer. so eat.. drink.. watch performance.. drink even more.. make noise.. drink some more.

they had a company item competition.. very last min then i was informed. ended up having to represent my coy to sing a song. ha. damn paiseh.. so i picked my fav and most confident song. Xin Ru Dao Ge by jacky cheung! ha.

thats the only song i can remember by hard.. well.. think i did ok.. got lots of positive comments after tat.. but still got 3rd out of 4 contestants. haha. :( anyway.. it was supposed to sms voting. my battalion is 200 strong.. but my coy only 20 person.. ha. not bad that i didnt come in last eh. haha

army's stupid culture to drink beer really bores me.. keep forcing ppl to drink.. haiz.. my guys all look so drunk. but actually quite funny actually. ha. good thing i was still able to stand beer. but my poor s1.. this lady officer.. got drunk and started singing rubbish. think she's not goin home tonight.. probably sleepin in her officer le ba. hee.

anyway.. went out for a walk with jane, glen and yiling.. aiFen joined us for a while after that. Actually went out looking for a place to makan for glen's farewell dinner.. was thinking of utilizing my coupons from the expensive gourmet club i joined on impulse. ha. Buffets at $68++. ha. damn ex la.. good thing i got discounts! if not i think i'll nv ever spend this kind of money on food.

think i'm pretty decided on goin to one of the buffet thingie le.. will be sending out sms invitations by tml i guess. yummy! Ha.

somehow we landed ourselves in Mos Burger drinking milk tea and eating butterflies(fried prawns actually) talkin abt funny subjects. one of them was relationships.. realize i'm really old sch when it comes to relationship. Starting to bore myself. but it was a hearty talk.. abt real issues close to our hearts. long time since i had time like this to talk to jane le. Glen reminded me that before jane and me started talkin.. it was him that introduced us. ha. i was trying to recall.. seems like so long ago. then jane asked me if i remembered what was the first topic we were talkin abt.. i vaguely had an impression.

the funny thing is that both jane and glen remembers! they told me that the first topic jane talk to me about is about her house being hunted! haha. then it all comes back.. i was laughing myself silly inside.. ha.

another highlight was tat i finally got to see silin again! ha. she must be pretty stressed over her exams ba. Hey lady! if you're seeing this.. JIAYOU!!! hee. sorry for almost losing touch with you ya. dun worry.. will wake you up for church if you need morning calls de! :)

anyway.. i gotta be learning to keep in touch with friends.. seems like i'm always lagging behind. Time moving too fast for me.. next year i'll be at quarter life.. that is if i ever live to be a hundred! ha. sianz. but it doesnt really matter bah.. so old for what.

rubbish.. dunno what i talking abt also. anyway..i'll be asking ppl out for dinner. Like i asked jane. but she refuse to eat with me. :( haha. but she has her reasons ba.. dun worry ya.. no ulterior motives .. just happens to have some coupons to clear. If i ask you (whoever you are) for a dinner date.. dun ask me to eat with my mum like jane did ok! reserved dinners for my mum le. it's you i'm asking. ha.

k la.. sleeping soon.. tired le.. nitez

exam is over! ha. but i think that was pretty old news. 2 days old in fact. thanks God it's over. ha.

i remember just after i finished my last entry.. i met up with this classmate of mine. We talk alot.. but i dun think we really know each other's names. ha. But anyway.. she kept telling me about how stress she was at the moment.. we were just standing outside the exam room.. my mind was pretty blank.. wondering if i should be getting stressed as well. ha

i think she's so stressed because she flunked this module the last sem.. i just told her to relax. everything will be ok. lookin at her stack of well prepared notes.. i guess i should be the one relaxing.

sat done at my table.. as expected.. the air con was cold.. 730 sharp. i flipped the paper and write and write and write... company law and corporate governance.. hmm. good thing my research skills are good.. so open book exams still ok for me. not sure if will pass.. but being able to write till the very last min.. at least i've got things to write about. hopefully the lecturer will give me some sympathy points for my effort. ha.

but things didnt go too well for her.. apparently the tips my tutor gave didnt surface. everyone else studied it.. me? i just got time to read thru my lecture notes. "Good thing i didnt study!" i thought to myself. ha

well.. will see how i did. prepared to do it all over again. but of cos i'm hoping i pass.

k k. time to go for my medical appointment.

Irritating examination

here i sit at the atrium of UniSim .. 1.5hrs more to the start of my examination. give up studying already.. gonna take a break.. take a deep breathe.. vomit what little i know and get out of the exam room! ha.

i know i've hardly been studying.. it's really hard to when u're working and stuff. Imagine after work and you're all tired and drained.. you look at the stack of notes and books. How to find the strength to study!

really envy those seniors in their 3rd or 4th year.. gonna be free from this torment soon. chatting with them they always tell you that it's really not easy juggling work and studies. I even met this air steward who's studying and he's even married with kids! must be hard for him. at least it's over for him now.

the question now is how i will do later.. am i gonna fail a module in my very first sem? ha. i certainly hope not. cleared the rest le.. my final hurdle. people tell me to pray.. i know.. but i paiseh to ask God to help me when the prob is my own reluctance. But God please help me anyways! ha.

besides my last waiver exam.. tonight's paper is the first is 4years ! i pretty sure it's not just anxiety i'm feeling. it's like when you're faced with something new but yet so familiar. army seemed to have dulled my student instinct.. but thats ok.. i've nv have good student instincts anyway.ha. but one thing army taught me is that there's really nothing to worry about. things probably will turn out ok at the end of the day.

so here i come jumping out the plane without my parachute! i expect to be landing on some tree or some sea or something soft at least. dun mind breaking a leg or something.. just dun let me die. so help me God!

oh brother..

interesting how my brother turned around since he went over to FCBC. He always comes home with new things to share.. with new experiences to tell me about. made me feel kinda caught in between.

Recently my brother made a hard decision to leave and went over to FCBC, probably because his girl is over there.. and that in their marriage life it's better for them to serve in the same church. and since Bernice isn't gonna come over.. Andrew's over there.

From a lot of views.. it's really a pity. Been in the same church as my bro ever since i've known him as my "brother". ha. Never really thought this day would come. so many things we wanted to do together in church but we dragged on cos i thought we had time in this church. One thing i really regretted is that some time back, he kept egging me on about leading worship together with him. He told me that it'll be nice that we brothers could be leading worship together. but i told him i wasnt ready.. and it's not like we running short of time.

dun know if i'd ever have the chance again. things would be worst when he moves out after he gets married. times when the 2 of us whistling and singing harmonies out of the blues.. talking abt anime.. taking walks in malls talking about nothing. not anymore i guess.

been really reliant on him since i was a kid. i was living a shadow of his life. followed him where ever he went..wearing his clothes.. reading his books.. listening to his cds.. playing his old toys. that was me. Till a point when i hit adolescence that i realise i dun really know myself. hated everything about him.. wanted to do everything unlike him. wanted nothing to do with him. Nothing wrong with what he did.. it's more like hating the fact that Daniel seems to be lost behind the facade of andrew.

but i only realised how close we really are and how i really need my brother when he went overseas for his studies. i was at a lost.. things he was taking upon himself at home suddenly fell on my weak shoulders. I felt i was left without a shelter.

when he came back.. somehow we became really close.. alot more like what brothers should be. He'd be like a wall that i can lean on. A wall i can throw and bounce my stupid ideas and still get honest feedbacks. really thanked God for him.

but even though he's still here.. it feels kindda empty. i'm seldom at home.. he's always with bernice.. and now he's in another church. Feels like i'm standing in the middle of a big field and any direction that i lean i'm just gonna fall flat on my back. feels like this time i really gotta stand on my own 2 feet.

guess it's about time also. about time i woken up. great to see my brother all worked up for God.. really rubbing it on me as well. ha. quite envious of his God encountering experiences.. and wishing ECF could really do more. But i refuse to condemn ECF like so many did. i'm very sure God is still here.. and despite the hurts and incompleteness.. this church will rise up like dry bones into flesh again!

"Again he said unto me, Prophesy upon these bones, and say unto them, O ye dry bones, hear the word of The Lord. Thus saith The Lord God unto these bones; Behold, I will cause breath to enter into you, and ye shall live: And I will lay sinews upon you, and will bring up flesh upon you, and cover you with skin, and put breath in you, and ye shall live; and ye shall know that I am The Lord."

Wedding bells ...

in church now.. way too early for cell.

just attended Qi Wei's wedding this afternoon. was helpin him do videography cos someone else turned him down and told him i am good in video! *stun* First of all... i dun do videos and havent really done any wedding video besides JingHong's. Which is like dunno how many donkey years ago! The one who recommended me is some one who's whole education is in this field! ha.

I'll gladly help QiWei.. just grumbling at the one who sabo me. ha. hopefully he dun get shock when he sees the footages. i hope i opened up the lens cap. haha. just kidding la.. point and shoot.. how bad can it be.

well.. quite a nice wedding.. simple and neat.. nice and cosy. Met alot of ppl there.. new friends.. old friends.. really really old friends. In fact.. today really met alot of old friends.. not only at the wedding. there was Wayne.. Qi Mei.. Qi Min.. Angel(A.k.a angela to me.. ha) and a couple of others.

nice seeing qi mei there.. still as short as i remember. hee. She told me she's doin accountancy in NTU now. Cant believe it.. her petite figure hardly convincing to be a uni student.. haha.. but time really flies. She's still as lame a ever. Took some pictures together.. forgotten to get her phone number or email add. then can send her those photos. ha. (Anyone has her email? please email me in private. thanks)

Well.. i'm kindda in the age where you watch drama serials where they go weddings and all the uncles and aunties will ask you when is mine.. or trying to introduce girls to me.. sianz. it's jus like tv! oh man! sucks... thats the worst parts of weddings.. fending off these questions. ha.

quite shock to know that Qi Wei is getting married.. didnt know he was attached till like when he asked me for help. haha. i was like "wat! you marrying who?!" ha. but he's a nice person.. plays very nice music and he has a nice dog(Xemien - think thats how you spell his dog), got good qualities for find a good wife le.. haha. wat am i talking about??!

Die la.. if according to my standards then i think i gone case le.. i always laugh at my friends.. i cant play a single instrument.. and every single pet i owned either died or ran away! how am i gonna get married??? :(

good thing my standards are rubbish.. haha. well.. jus wanna wish QiWei and his wife a blessed marraige and that they'll fall deeper in love every step of the way.

will post some pictures here once i get the photos from lester.. the bride's maid is pretty pretty..(sounds weird -_-"). haha. but she doesnt smile.. like as if she dun like them getting married or something. haha. the people beside all gotta remind her to smile. ha. We were thinking maybe it's like those drama serials again.. maybe she also in love with QiWei! but too bad can only be bride's maid. haha. think too much.. nvm. -_-"

think i go grab a bite before cell first.. still got second half of my day. will blog again later tonight.

Contagious Emo PoP

i'm home.. in chinese pop mood now. ha. just came back from Ai Qin Hai. it is actually a cafe with live chinese pop music dedication. love the place.. been goin there quite often recently and really enjoy the music there. Lots of the singers there are all pretty good. got me all sucked into the music. ha.

but you know what's the prob with chinese pop? the prob is that chinese is very often very emotional.. sianz. but that is also the reason why i keep going back for more.. slurping up every drop of it. haha.

as soon as i settled back at home.. started looking for Sky Wu songs on imeen.com. ha. got myself a whole playlist, indulging in his beautiful voice painted on heart breaking songs about breaking up on a raining night! haha.. what the hell.. break up then break up la.. why must raining night somemore.. not emo enough you see.. that's chinese pop.. haha. love it.

i'm so in the mood for ktv now.. haiz.. which reminds me.. seems like i havent got no more kahkis to sings with me for a long long time already. sianz. Anyone wanna sing song or short of a partner to sing duet? please call 1800iwannasingktv or visit www.danielwannasingktv.com for booking. wahaha

well well.. better go nap le.. long day tml... happy deepavali..(did i spell it wrong? ha)

another day gone. this week's gonna be a short one.. i'm going home tml night. Cos weds i'm on leave for my medical appointment and my coy outing.. thurs is public holiday and fri i'm on leave again. haha

too bad sat i'm doin duty. spoil my super long weekend. haiz. anyway.. picking fiona up from the airport on weds morning. ha. since i'm on leave and she has an overnight flight. She promised to treat me to her discounted airport meals! ha. but i'll hav to wake up really early. well.. anything for a bite. ha.

one more thing to worry is the retreat on thurs and fri. sianz. supposed to be presenting the worship team's direction for the coming year and stuff.. but seriously, it hasnt been easy. Not when the worship team is still in shambles.. and those people committed also tied up else where. think i'll can only keep it operational at the time being. dun like being in this situation. sianz. what to do.

one more day at work! hope the fire wall works tml.. yawnz

100th post

my 100th post.. finally.. after dunno how many donkey years.. ha.

i guess i probably gotta blog proper this time since it's the 100th one. hmmm.. lots to blog here actually. so long nv scribble here le. Saddening stuff.. happy stuff.. worrying stuff.. new stuff.. happy stuff... dun think they'll ever fit in 1 blog.

well.. another friend of mine passed away a few weeks ago.. motocycle accident. known him from poly.. not exactly close but we do talk. Especially when he also signed on to the army like myself. this sadness feels funny, like it's not settling in well inside me. Read on the newspaper that his dad went crazy on the last day of the funeral. Only son.. :( when is it gonna be my turn?

Looked him up on friendster, saw lots of ppl leaving msgs online for him.. remembering their moments with him. i wanted to write something too.. then i realise i dun know him that well. but i'll always remember that smile when i always see him. good bye zhiwei.

okok.. career update.. i'm in 8sig now! yes yes.. i failed. failed to fight my way to be an instructor. sianz. but it seems my appoint isnt too bad either. but i cant tell you here what i do.. or i'll have to kill you.. haha. lamez. nvm.. i really cant say though.. but my guys are good... my csm and oc are good.. i dun mind doing anything. by the way.. all my 3sig buddies all coming over as well! haha. no longer bored le..ha.

For those taking exams now.. jiayou! be praying for you people. which reminds me.. pray for me too.. my exams this week and next. 2 papers only though.. haha. but still hope i have time to study on top of my schedule.

Rachael made my day today.. ha. went to the baby room as usual.. the kids were storming all over me! especially jacob and tabael! those 2!!! like monkeys! haha. then so happy to see jonathan finally willing to join the kids upstairs! hee. asked him if he enjoyed himself and he nodded his head with a big smile and mouth full of kway teoh! haha. so cute. but later jonathan sat on rachael's hand accidently.. then she ran to me crying showing me her hand. ha. love her so much! so i carried her to find mummy as she requested. but sadly.. she ditched me after she found jenny. haha.

so sad.. only look for me when it hurts.. haiz. at least she still looks for me. haha.

alright then.. my 100th blog entry. actually no big deal la.. haha. think i gotta go bath le.. goin back to camp soon.

ta ta.

from the motion picture STARDUST :
My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no fits. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine

hello sinful man

hello sinful man,
what have God done to you to deserve your torment
you shout your love for Him on the altar,
you close your eyes in worship,
you fooled the world before their very eyes.

forgiveness you took for granted,
mercy and grace feels cheap,
you tell yourself it's fine to fall,
cos He'll never know when it's real or false.
silly you, sinful man
you know you've fallen in too deep.

you ought to be shot, to be strucked, towed out of the holy place
cause His name you're not worthy to praise.
stop this act, there's not credit to fool,
there's still time to make amends.

hello Holy God,
what have man done to deserve Your mercy?
Only You can pretend not to see,
how flawed these disgusting man can be.

Cover them with Your holy blood,
call them once again Your child.
I first thought 'Oh silly God!'
but it's me that hurt You most, i forgot.

so sorry Lord for my silly thoughts,
for the unworthy praise i raised to You.
this broken life i raise again
this empty glass i pray You fill.

Take this life and make it Yours
wash my past i want no more.
on the altar once again
Lord be with me, remove my shame.
on this altar once again,
Father, this time i truly want to praise Your name.

a little boy sat on the fine sandy beach.. only wearing a pair of shorts. his hands dirtied digging into the sand before him. The glorious white beach stretched from end to end.. beautiful... void.. empty.. but beautiful. Sun shining down at mid day.. its rays roasting the sand with all its glory. still.. the little boy sat there.. piling sand.

daddy sits a distance behind. watchful eyes never left him.. smiling to himself proud of his son. but he just sits there. watching his beloved son.

sand on sand, layer after layer. what seems like a mud pile slowly fed on the little boy's ambition and imagination. castle walls.. drawn bridge.. towers and tunnels. the little boy smiled to himself. On top of the world is he.

Mid day over.. the raging sun began to fall.. a film of yellow on everything he sees. the castle is almost complete.. magnificent and grand to his eyes. His dirty hands are tired.. eyes yawned teary. The tide is coming in. He knows.. it slowly creeps closer.. and closer.

Daddy knows too.. he knows all too well.. but he sits there. Smiling proud. watching his son.

The little boy sat before his creation.. he slowly understood inevitability. He sat staring as the waves sweep in and out. slowly consuming his castle till there's nothing left. He understood that it was never meant to be.

Now he stood staring at where he's castle once stood.. now all that's left is an empty space. he turned around and looked at his father. Daddy stood up in the setting sun with arms tucked to his side. still smiling. He knew his son learned something precious today that he couldn't learned any other way. The little boy stood up and ran to his father.. shook the sand off his feet and grabbed on to his hands.

It is time to go home. Home to somewhere firm and forever.

Blood Drive

almost didnt have to go back to work today. Cos the command post set up was once again delayed due to live firing in Temple Hill. but still.. i ordered 8 30m power extension drums to be delivered this morning cos i thought i would be goin back.. :( bad move.. now i had to wake up early in the morning to rush down to office and to wait for the delivery man to come so i can pass him the 500bucks. then wat? i havent got much to do back at work on a sat morning. bad move daniel.. sianz.

tried to make the best of today since i'm at work already.. zhaoyi was going to donate blood over at HSA in outram.. so i was thinkin i hitch a ride over there and shunbian make my first donation of blood! ha.

i try 2 times to make a blood donation when i was still in jc. Failed to do so cos once i was just having flu 2 days before. so they rejected me.. the next time they rejected me was because the queue was too long and they were closing soon. asked me to come back and queue again after i queued for 2 long hrs!!! well..

This time round.. it was pretty smooth.. except for the fact that i forgotten to bring along my 11b! good thing they acknowledged my drivin license as well. the was no queue.. jus a questionnaire to fill asking if i had sex in all sorts of combinations in the last 12 months. haha. just ticked thru and there i was sitting on the comfy chair in the donation room with a sticker on my chest which reads :"Be Nice To Me. This Is My First Donation". ha.

i'm surprised that they even gave me local anesthesia before the big tube was inserted into my skin. ha. was actually expecting some pain but i didnt even know the tube was already inserted when i looked away! haha. when the nurse wasnt looking... i gave myself a pinch to see if the anesthesia really worked.. hmmm.. really no pain. So i just continue to squeeze the blood pack shaped stress ball in my palm, hoping my blood could fill the bag faster.

took only around 5mins or less to fill the bag.. then this Filipino medical worker came over to retrieve the bag. i asked her if i could give another bag since it took so little time and i'm still feeling ok. too bad.. she refused me.. one person one bag she says.. but i so vividly remembered that my friend gave 2 bags when the blood drive came to sch. but then again.. that was quite some time ago.. they could have changed the policy le..

anyway.. they wrapped up the spot when they injected me with a bandage. At first they were looking in the drawer next to me and they ran out of coloured bandages that dun look too sissy. but they were only left with the pink one. the medical worker held up the pink bandage in his hand and looked at me.. i looked him back shaking my head.. guess he caught my message. ha. i would rather let my hand bleed dry than to step out with that bright pink bandage on my arm!!! haha.

dun understand why dun they just simply use white bandages instead. He searched around and found a purple one.. better than nothing i suppose. i'm wearing long sleeves anyway.. just gonna cover it up with it. ha. later i realised that there is also another green bandage. the one that zhaoyi got. but it was even more ridiculous cos the green bandage had drawings of dinosaurs on it! ha. i was having a good laugh at him.. good thing i didnt get the green one instead. :)

well well.. my first donation.. thats about it. I think i'll carry on to make regular donations after this. Anyone wanna join me please ask me along eh... my next donation is in dec! :) Well.. please be reminded that your blood will alway regenerate de.. you're losing nothing giving blood.. further more.. your giving life! the blood bank is always in need of new donors. so please give if you can. You get free refreshment too after the donation you know!(well.. thats not the point..but it true) haha.

Anywae.. received my results for my Effective Comms. Thank God i passed! hee.. my 8 pages of rubbish at least counted for something eh.. hee. saved me some time and money not to take that module.. thank you Jesus

my first timer sticker.. actually quite diu lian to wear this around. ha


purple bandage.. no dino.

sponge for me to squeeze while my blood is draining outta my body. ha. think it used to be a ball or a heart or something. Now they getting creative already. hee.

part1

what a long day.. what a long week.. cant remember when i started getting busy. just seems like i've been rushing from one thing to another since.. let me see.. sat? blink of an eye.. thursday is gone as well.. tml's the end of the week again. and so much has happened since.

jackson's wedding, Rev Tony, range, aaft and flunking it, temple hill deployment, paya leba air base trip, plasma galore, black hawk down, ice cream offer 2 for $1.80, new battery. where do i start?

Probably start by saying sorry to the birthday people this month that i've forgotten. Totally lost track of time. i just realise that today's the 4th already. So happy birthday to you know who u are. ha. Well.. i'm nv good at these birthdays thingie. another day.. another year.. may the good Lord bless you all. hee

went to jackson's solemnisation on sat afternoon. a simple affair. too simple maybe. nevertheless, as long as the two of them are committed, nothing is too fancy or too simple. it really is about them. But somehow i got involved as a camera man for his wedding. :(

cant believe he didnt engage a camera man to document this big day! the couple even arrived late for the solemnisation after msging us the night before not to be late! We were all there waiting.. i saw him coming. i stretched out my hand offering my congratulatory shake.. he hands out his palm as well. Our hands made contact. i say " Congrats" but i felt something cold in my hands. hmmm. next thing i heard,:" thanks daniel, can help me take a few photos later?"

he turned and shook the hands all sticking out to him in congratulations leaving a canon ixus digital camera in my hand.

the next thing i know, i'm his wedding photographer for the afternoon. haha.

i kept feelin that they kindda missed the point. Invited friends and signed a piece of paper that they hardly understand. I see formalities more than love. i see protocol more than affections. i'm sorry that i'm saying this. no offence, but that's how i feel. I still wish you well jackson. May God bless your marriage.

Weddings are funny events, especially when you've got friends like mine. Like a army gathering, all my buddies were there. We were laughing at everything and anything. laughed till we all had cramps. ha. it's been sometime. Old friends, old memories, same of affiliation. 1880 sync. ha. Guan Jie was even recalled back to neesoon camp for Silent Mob halfway thru the lunch reception. How unfortunate.. or we would hav hung out a little longer that afternoon already. :(

kindda late already.. still got lots to share.. but first.. gotta catch up on some sleep first. yawn. So to those studying hard now for exams, jiayou! For those who are enduring their work (i see hands raised!!ha)hang in there.. the week is ending soon. For those who are restless from everything else.. sleep early and rest well.. for those who are doing well.. please spread a little sunshine.

Be back tml.. astalavista

came back from cell group.. had a nice chat with liXia on th way home. We actually took the right bus but the wrong direction home. we ended up in AMK. instead of sengKang. we were so engrossed talkin that we didnt realise at all. hah. So we decided to take a cab back home instead.

Cell was over at jy's place..familar places.. familar faces... kind of like it used to be.. just a smaller group. Really refreshing though. kind of made me missed the good times we had. Thinking of what was broken that needed to be fixed. That if i was something people were trying to fix.. that if i was letting friends and family worry about me.. thinking about old friends.. thinking about new friends.. thinking about money and how overrated it is.. thinking about the beauty of things around me and the things i've missed out in life.. things that i said in the past... things i didnt say.. thinking about the people i havent met.. thinking about cheese cake and a good cuppa coffee.. the things that i wanna try cooking.. the things that i want to try.. about my diving trip.. deep sea fishing...

thinking why am i thinking so much.. nvm me..

i'm hungry.. how am i gonna pass this lonely night without food, beer and company. ha. how else.. just sleep it off i guess. like i always do. Good thing i've got Lisa Ono with me tonight. thanks Lisa.

*i feel nice like sugar and spice! so nice so nice i got you! *

Cough Blood

yawn... sat morning again. so tired that i slept like a log last night. yawn.. i'm still not awake yet.

my groggy eye lead me to my bathroom where i splashed cool water on my face to wake myself up while i was wondering where is my brother and mummy. hmm. unusual that they didnt wake me up.

felt something in my throat.. tried to cough it out. I spat it out and it was blood! ha.. now i'm awake. i looked at my hands and i realised that they were all covered in blood. Looked at myself in the mirror to find myself having a nose bleed.. chey.. tot i was coughing blood.. so it was only blood back flowed in my throat when i was sleeping. boring. It was messy though.. good thing i didnt dirty the bed with my nose bleed.. or i'll be kicking myself clearing up and washing the bedsheets. ha

Been a really long and busy week.. just back from 2 weeks of off and leave and they worked us like dogs.. projects kept coming in and trials after trials.. furthermore i still had to complete my assignments to be handed in during the week! it was crazy.. when my buddies finished work they were resting.. me? i jus carried on and do my assignment. i wake up at 630.. but i sleep at 2 plus3 am. i'm glad that at least the assignments are out of the way.

Really tough working and studying.. especially in my unit. I'm already takin one module less per semester but i'm still feeling that it's taking up too much of my time. Well.. what to do... made my choice. i should thank God that i still have the capacity to put myself into sch.

Sch aside.. starting to feel unsatisfied at work. Dun find the deserved recognition for the work that i put in.. been telling alot of ppl that i'm about to leave the organisation. That's the fact.. but my OC has been telling me to keep hush on that.. afraid that it'll affect my ranking in the coming year. I guessing i should be running in the top few positions in terms of ranking.. not tat i'm proud or anything.. but i pretty sure that in the place where ppl are under performing, the average performer could actually fly pretty high. And i could safely say that the only competition to those position are my buddies in my company.

then again.. it's not important about these ranking.. there's no difference in terms of benefits if was to come in first or second.. only more work. You doing well so you work more!! work till you're under performing then someone else will take the work. HUH? stupid system. Capable people do more... lazy people do less. but they get the same in return. bravo!

the thought of leaving led me to seriously consider what i want to do when i get out. Been offered a few options already. but i still want to start my own business ultimately. Having failed terribly in my last venture, its surged my thirst for more. ha.

i know why that venture fail.. and i regret it had to turn out like tat. lost a little money(really just a little). paid for a really valuable lesson. i doubt it's really a good idea to do business with friends. so much tat is so hard to say to each other. things that dun make business sense but you had to keep quiet afraid to affect the friendship. It's a really sucky feeling when you know that ppl wants you out and sugar coat their intentions. especially when it's coming from a friend. well.. i guess it's a good thing that it's ended too.

But just for the record, i never once doubt the potential of this company, never once doubt the quality of my partners and never once tot that the partnership would come to and end like this. Hope you guys will carry on to do well in your own private ventures eh.

though i know my commitment has been minimal, it has really been a highlight in my life.

ok ok.. think i better go catch some lunch before my mum or brother come home to find me dead on my laptop with my hands shafting paper in my mouth to curb my hunger! ha.

Durains tonight.. hmm. how unusual.

Mid Autum Fun with the kids!!

Had a weird and tiring night.. no doubt a wonderful time at vikki's place on Saturday night.
i guess it was meant to be be get together bbq after dunno how many donkey years. Aloy and estee was there..GuoQing came too.. Lots of ppl.. But i didnt really feel like mingling.. probably too tired after a whole afternoon doin STATS! Stupid stats! ha.

Ended up i went to relief some stress by spending time with the kids. Brought them to the play ground.. telling them nonsensical stories that made no sense to me(they made me tell stories.. so i told them glen kor kor tripped and fell over his armpit hair.. they actually tot it was funny.. haha).. playing pesi cola 123! (lost every single match to the Quek brothers!! ).. taking photos and teaching them to take photos! haha. so much fun.

Jacob boy was a terror!! goin around pulling ppl's shirt with that baby face of his!! almost ripped my shirt off too! hah. the quek brothers almost slammed my camera on the floor while fighting over it..(most of the shots below are taken by them!!) Rachael taking the slide dunno how many donkey times that even i got tired of watching her go up and down again. ha.

but the highlight of the day was when karen ran and give me a big hug out of nowhere! haha. so cute and chubby. Wat a day.. washes the stress away.. brings in a whole new batch of aches and pains in my back carrying them all night. ha.

Raphael.. my fav little boy!!









The Quek brothers in KungFu Poses! and they took the photos by themselves for each other! not bad rite!


















Grace's naughty "boyfriend". ha












Raphael again :)













Tabael in another KungFu pose. ha










how could i forget my little princess Rachael!

waiver's over! :)

done with my waiver exam yesterday! ha. i think i haven't written so much stuff for years!! my hand is still aching from all the writing.. too much of typing already. ha ha.

well.. was actually quite scary going for an exam unprepared. it's a waiver exam, which means if i pass the exam without taking the lesson, i'll be exempted from taking the module.. which also translate that i save money and i say time!

but then again... whoever said it was easy to pass something you know nothing off. :(

actually, that's not entirely true.. the subject is Effective Communications. The hard part is in not knowing what is expected of my answers in terms of academics. Not that i couldn't answer the questions.. i just don't know if i answered them the way they wanted.

Thank God that i was a History, Lit and Econs student before! even though that was really a long time ago (6-7 years in fact), my short stint of writing essays every day then came in really handy today.

Eventually, i wrote 8 pages of rubbish i give up.. i not hoping for a good score, cos all i need is to pass to not take the module. hee. but part of me already told myself to prepare for failure.. just in case. ha. well.. not many ppl passes the first time ok.. if i really do pass.. it'll must be God's grace! :)

well well.. it's over.. dun wanna think about it.. still got 2 more reports due.. plus 2 more video presentations also due next week!!! sianz.

That is not including work yet.. sianz.. how did i get myself so busy!!?? tat's my choice i guess. :X

Sanfranz!!! You.. you...ruined my blogging appetite!!! argh!!!

I'm on leave!!! hmm.. or 5 more days till i get back to work. The glass is half filled and half empty. so?

By right, i should have been very excited about the end of Army Open House and start posting stuff about it. But i didnt. not that i didnt want to.. but i just didnt. Not that there's nothing that i want to remember from it.. but i just didnt.

why wait till now? i have no idea.. i think that indian guy from India really threw me way off.. pissed me so much that i have lost the appetite to blog anything at all.

so before i tell you about AOH, i wanna bitch about that Indian guy who still gets on my nerves when i think about him!! (mind me for the language. ha)

AOH ended last mon night.. it was great. but one thing really hung at the back of my head. I had a project dateline on Tues might. worst of all.. it was a group project. Really had to apologize to the rest of my project group that i was really too tied up to give them any of my stuff before hand. I had to complete the designs.. write out the design brief. that was about it. i told myself that the work i almost done.. and i'll be able to finish it on tues afternoon. and i did.

rushed to sch from work tue evening.. walked into my class where they were already there.. including sarfranz<---- the indian guy. He was there looking at me with dagger eyes. As if i killed his family or something. Then he asked me a question.. rhetorical or was it sarcasm.. i couldnt tell then. he asked how i was doing. i was like "huh?". He knows i've been busy.. asking me tat question in tat tone and that eyes.. i dun know how to reply him. But i said i was fine.

within mins i and him were into and argument with him lecturing me about time management and that i should have done my work earlier (when he only finished his end of stuff 2 days ago!!!).

i know.. i should have stayed up late like 2 or 3 am to do up my stuff and wake up at 630 again for work. but i didnt.. cos i know i wouldnt make it thru AOH like that.but it's not like my work wasnt up to standard.. and he lecturing me those time management bullshit is not gonna help with anything at all! "..so will ya shut up?! " i was thinking.

didnt want to quarrel with him.. i jus kept quiet doin my stuff while the rest of my teammates look thru my work. The rest of them were ok.. but he wasnt satisfied. Give me the i could have done better look. (i really dun understand.. i'm the designer guy and he's the networking guy.. how could he have done any better when dun even know wat design elements are?!) I remember he insisted that i copied my design from SONY for the advert when i design the whole ad by scratch. i even checked that the original SONY ads are totally different.. but he feels that it's too professionally done to be my work! wat crap!!!

the whole night.. he was jus up against me. watever i did was not good enough when he didnt even read the stuff that i do. Let's say the design brief.. he didnt understand wat a design brief was and then he insisted on findin it out from the text book. i told him i should know was a design brief is because of my professional training.. but he refuse to believe me as wat i told him didnt match the text book. (the text book had absolutly NOTHING about design brief!!! It was a marketing book for GOd's sake!! not a design book!!) He insisted that all the answers should come from the text book. So he grabbed the closest thing to a design brief.. components of an advert. ???????????

we consulted with the lecturer as we couldnt come to consensus. She like my work apparently. He kept quiet when she was around. Once she's gone.. he said he'll continue to do it his style!!! "i think we'll still stick to the text book.. you cant be wrong following the text book" he says! argh!!!!.. stubborn mule!!! dunno whether to laugh or cry!!! ha.

it's all wrong.. he simply ignored the good work that i did when he really didnt even bother to look at my stuff. He still got the cheek to ask me to contribute when he got stuck with the work. i was fuming mad!! it's been some time since i raised my voice.. i told him..:"Apparently you havent read the stuff i wrote.. the answers are all there!!! if you just want to follow the stupid text book then what for you wanna get a tertiary education!"

i was serious.. industrial experience counts for nothing in his thick skull if it aint in the text book. then he might as well jus go buy some books and read it at home! why you need an education for? so that you continue to lose your reasoning abilities and just follow the TEXT BOOK!?? Text books, especially marketing ones, are merely are written by man who writes based on experience. situation changes and alot of things are arguable. but not too him.. the text book is the word of God!!!

i cant stand him!!!

thank God the group assignment is over and i havent killed him yet. I most definitely had the intention to! ha.

No relevance..jus wanna get it off my chest. phew.. i'm really feeling better. think i finally could continue to post other stuff already.ha

anyway.. tml's my waiver exam for effective comms. havent written an essay in years.. hopeful i'll be able to make the mark. if not i wouldnt be able to waive that module.. :( not expecting to pass though.. jus gonna try. all the best daniel.

AOH posting..?? another day perhaps. yawn. Remind me nver to group with Indians from India ever again.

oh baby!

babies made my day! especially yesterday.. went over to Jotham's 7th birthday party. time really flies.. i remember when he was jus a little kid.. and now he's all grown up already! ha. (not as in "grown up" kind of grown up la..grown up as in "talk back to you rebelliously" kind of grown up. ha). But honestly, the little ones are still my fav. Hee.

Went over to jenny's place to chat up and play with her kids after the birthday party. Her daughter is my fav of all the little toddlers! she looks so much like precious moments doll! haha. but dunno why she normally shuns me.. or rather all guys. but tonight was special..she warmed up to me eventually. :) like they always say.. a bundle of joy... mad screaming energetic bundle that is.

here's some picture from that night

this is Raphael! my second love. hee. he fell on his face trying to step on ballons. poor thing. :(

the Quek family with the birthday boy Jotham in the middle. Samuel is the proud father gleeming. ha

this is my beautiful little girl! rachael! muck!

Looking at her.. how i wished i had a kid of my own jus like her! hee. well.. they all grow up so fast. gonna miss them at this age. sigh

Hey grace.. hope your night's a little nicer with those kidos photos for you ya. hang in there.. :)

was jus reading a asian gay activist website that i came across. sad to say.. the gay scene in singapore is very much "alive". Seeing how organised this gay society is scares me. Disscusing deep into policies and diplomatic impacts and legislations that is either for the gay community. They even organises events and gatherings, to attend gay film awards or even a 2000 strong gay cruise trip! how sick is tat!

the worst thing remains that this site heavily condemns the Christian community for pettitioning against gay rights in sg. They describe christians as hypocrites who irrationally discriminate gays and suggest that we take muslims as our "enemy" and conspiring in our private moments in our cell groups becos we afraid of the goverment.

At first glance... i find it quite a joke and doubt anyone would actually lend all these articles any credibility. However, i looked further in to the circulation of the website and saw that they hav a pool of registered members clocking over 200, 000 ppl!

i know alot of this number are "members" out of curiosity but that is still an alarming number. I can't imagine if Singapore was to give in to them someday.. i'll be so dissapointed with the gov.

In the site, they mention some Christian anti gay activist in our gov that are heavily rallying to ban the gay movement and are so far successful in their effort. Good job guys! We definately need more christians in the gov especially in the circle of policy makers.

I pray God forgive this nation for this grave sin that you warned us so long ago about and may our God continue to reign over Singapore and pour His wisdom on the leaders of this wonderful nation that they will not be blinded and conform to society. Heighten their sense of righteousness.. be they christians or not.. let them see for themselve that this gay movement is really only a decay of the worst kind in our society.

matt called just the other day.

and i thank God he did. He called all the way from Australia.. the way he described it.. he was standing in the cold at a phone booth making the call. Was really nice to hear a familar voice that was ever so positive.. ever so sincere and honest.

It was a much appreciated phone call.. pretty much timely as well. Funny how he called to say how much he really enjoyed spending time with my church band.. or my ex-church band rather.. and how much he was looking forward to come visit the band again when he comes back.

I was dumbfounded for a while thinkin of a response.. wondering how i am gonna explain something i've been trying to figure for the past few weeks to a concerned friend.

well.. i was just glad he called.. cracked me up with his silly jokes like he always do. Eased away some tension of how i was gonna give him a politically correct answer without dumping in my irrational and bias inputs. But i'm sure he understood.

Do take care my friend. really miss those simpler times. be awaiting your safe return. We'll go crazy doin silly things with weihwa and gang again. ha

Fall in Love with Olivia

Bought myself another cd this year. 2 cds in fact. But the one that made me smile was definately Olivia.

Born in 1985, Olivia Ong debut happened on an international stage at the tender age of 19. Born and bred a singaporean, discovered by a japanese producer and moved over to japan to develop her singing career.

'Fall In Love With Olivia' is her 5th album i think. nothing really special about her songs actually. In fact, 90% of the album are old songs, but there's this beautiful quality to her voice that jus captures me. It's light jazzy tune and clear voices adds a degree of credibility to the lyrics.

Classics like 'Sometimes When We touch' and 'First of May' were definately my fav tracks. love it so much that it's on repeat on my mind right now.

Feels like i'm in a different place.. away from all the bustle from work, away from responsibilities, away from expectations, away from dissapointment. Just the kinds of thing i was looking forward to.

Really good chill out cd. Highly recommended. Second to Corrine. Which reminds me.. tml night's her concert. sianz.

It hurts when it hurts. There’s no need to justify the pain. It’ll still be the same. The damage is done. I’m not saying that I’ll keep rolling in it.. but the last thing I want to do is to kid myself that I’m ok with it.

I’m not ok.. far from it. Not sure I’ll ever be. If I had a choice.. I wouldn’t let a lot of things happen in my life. Things that very much affect me but yet there’s nothing I could do to avoid. The only way I was taught to deal was to accept it. Knowing well that everything is in His hands and that His will is in it.

But like I said, it doesn’t mean that knowing that fact makes it feel any better. Just gives me the will and motivation to bear the pain till it’s gone.

recently my heartbeat has either been faster or harder. I’m easily anxious about things, easily depressed. But me being me, continues to hide the anomalies going on. I’m disgusted by myself that I’ve becoming such a natural at it. Always a smile on my face when people are around when I know inside this whole spectrum of emotions and frustrations are raring to show!

I know I know. It’s nothing new about daniel. I’m bored too. But life is not in my favour. At least not now. I’m waiting for things to happen.

I hope it will..I know it will.

starting school tml.. a new start? or more hell to bear?

it has began..

not exactly the best of weeks i'm having here. besides me on course and taking a break from work.. everything else is either worrying me.. saddening me.. making me angry and even sometimes troubling me. I cant even sleep properly without thinking about these things to bed.

i should hav expected it.. the aftermath of Rev Chen leaving. It was really dead quiet the next few days after sun. My hair was standing. Everyone had their questions but no one asked.. so no one answered. People who knew kept quiet.. ppl who thought they knew let their half truths stir in them. People who didnt know continues to scratch their head. That is the begining of things to come.. the disgusting silence.

i dun assume i know the whole story.. i dun intend to. i just feel that things are done terribly wrong to manage this "crisis"(if i could call it). It's making things worst.. people are hurt.. ministries are disrupted.. people telling me they're leaving(i'm not sure if it's for the right reasons), telling me to "open up my eyes wide and see".

i gotta say i was hurt to a certain degree.. but i understand. but more so.. i'm not blind. i see the great divide. i see the things that they are doin to each other. Obviously this is a people problem. I cant bear to let it hurt the church. It's God we serve. No one else. i'm not in ministry to please man or to pleasure myself.

I love this church so much. Not only because i grew up here. it's the relationships and bonds i made here. The things God let me experienced here. The promise of so much to come in here.
The kids.. the youth.. the elders.. the aunties and uncles.. the people who were never into church politics. Here enjoying the the presences of God and of each other. the exact people who will be the victims if the church was to undergo another exodus. This much i know i'm not wrong. God isnt done with this church.

I really cant figure how some people could one moment tell me that they had great visions for this church and the next moment give up on it! Doesnt their vision counts? it hurts.. it sure does. but hurtful words are not gonna make it better.

i apologise if i offended anyone in anyway. This entry doesnt represent the views of anyone but me. There jus isnt enough clarity and love in this church. Everyone's hiding some agenda from each other. I'm jus frustrated.

I claim this church in God's name. No one else.. no other names. I pray God send us the wisdom and love to tide this time over.. and really fullfill the intent that God wants us to be.. as one.. to glorify His name.

In Quietness and Confidence is His Strength

Where can i find the strength to carry on from here?

"...In quietness and confidence is My strength."

Was thinking of this during sermon this morning.. a simple msg.. spoke right to my heart.
So where is this quiet confidence? to me.. it's in the knowing tat everything thing is in His hands. No need for panic.. no need for anxiety..the thought of it simply calms and warms my heart again. In quietness and confidence.. hmmm. sounds good. feels even better.

Lester's out of hospital.. looks really pale. trying to cheer him up a little. gonna ask him out after the camp. about time we caught up with each other. funny how it feels to see someone everyweek and yet still misses them. Guess it's not about seeing each rather.. but more of living each other's life that really rids us of the loneliness.

finally after dunno how many donkey years i pick up the table tennis bat once again. ha. really had fun today. my usual tag team partner(lester) not around. sian. but not a prob! i've got Grace with me today. haha. havent lost a match with her around.. not that i'm lousy la... jus that she's pretty good. (pretty and good?hmmm.. wat say you grace? haha). really brought back lots of memories of my sec sch times when i and lester play table tennis every day till like 11 pm!!! haha. think i gotta pick this up as a regular sport since my knees failing on me. sianz

goin back to camp soon. yawn. went to Mayday's concert last night! not bad.. free tickets somemore. haha. quiet enjoy myself. thanks chunsi! ha. next time got free tickets remember to find me.. not only chunsi.. anyone.. any concert.. anyone needs a date.. a bodyguard.. a chauffer. anything ya. haha. if i'm free i really dun mind. :)

goin to church camp this thurs.. so gonna be a short week! yeah! hee. mon got event.. weds i goin for physio.. so i only gonna work for 1 and half day! ha. i love this June!

back to work. ciao

black and white

dun really wanna blog nowadays.. got nothing to say anymore.. i feel like i'm living in a mime. lost my voice.. jus watching my black and white life go past.

in this black and white mime of mine.. there is this little window. A window where i'd always take a peek. Peeking at the world outside.

outside this window is a beautiful world of colours.. rainbow splashed.. i hear laughter.. humming of songs.. sounds of wind running thru the park. the sight and sound of a world i dun belong. I belong to the black and white mime.

i dun remember having to try so hard to be happy. not that i'm not. just tired tryin and sustaining and losing it again. things were easier before. everyone's trying with you. and slowly one by one found out how.. and u realised u're trying to smile by yourself. wondering wat's wrong with yourself.

the thing is.. nothing is really wrong.. nothing was ever wrong. you jus simply long to reach out to another life. then you realised it's not about being happy. it's really about lonliness. i'd rather laugh and cry and whine and do anything together with someone rather than alone. but then again.. you're never really alone. you jus chose the people you want to do them with. people reaching out to you.. you're reaching out to someone else. everyone's neglected. But of cos those who found each other has a different story.

work has dulled me.. people has failed me.. the world is laughing at me.. and worst of all.. i cant stand me.

people telling me they were afraid to talk to me.. telling me they were kept their distance from me. i really wonder wat kind of a person i am. i guess the smiles i'm seeing all these while aint real. at least most of them. if i had the chance.. i'd really wanna meet daniel.


wat's keepin me awake? unsatisfaction i guess. people telling me things i dun understand. people shunning me.. i dun understand. people expecting me to do things that they think i ought to.. they dun understand.

good thing one thing i do understand.. this tv is a colour tv. only the program is black and white. all i need to do is to change the channel.

2 things.. i gotta first find the remote. And i kind of like watching black and white oldies. Maybe i'll hang on a little long to see wat happens before i channel surf.

guess you'll never really know

relationships of all kinds breaking down everywhere.. so fragile.
between lovers.. families.. friends.. nothing is really forever.

scary how people change.. how people forgets their commitments and the things they said before.. scarier how people belittle the consequences for unworthy causes.

even marraige meant so much less nowadays. the band and binds 2 lives together? seems like it's only binding when they're in love. so much for "for better or for worst.."

someone told me to find the right person.. but i guess you can only ever find the right person for tat particular moment.. will i ever know if that person is really the right one for me for life? what if some time down the road.. that "right" person dun feel so right anymore?

guess you'll never really know.

People say change is the only constant.. i say You Lord.. You stay the same.. faithful as always.
Put God in the center of every relationship.. may it stay the same too. thats all i can say.

i saw passion die

shook myself awake.. almost fell off the couch i was sleepin on. still grabbing on the the green cushion.. still wrapped in my blanket with the funny odur. i realised i was panting.. my eyes puffy and swollen as if i've spent the night crying.

Must be a bad dream.. flipping thru the recollections of my dreams last night.. only to find i wasnt too good at remembering dreams. But one thing i do remembered.. almost vivid.. i remember i saw passion died.. and i cried.

still on my couch.. not asleep anymore but i closed my eyes trying hard to remember wat made me cry so hard in my dreams. Then i saw his face.. Mr Cher.

Mr Cher was my primary school teacher.. he taught me science and english. He was one of my favourite teacher and i always enjoy his lesson and excursions. His hair looked like a wig to me.. but then again.. who would put on a greying wig. remembered how he'll always pull the hair on my sideburns when i "forget" to hand in my homework once... and again.. and again. ha.

To the primary school Me.. he was jus a nice teacher.. treating us to little treats and movies when he could. but when i looked back.. there was something different about him. His dedication to his job and his passion to teach and mould lifes thru unconventional methods really impresses me.

kindda think of it.. it's been so many years already.. i havent seen him in at least the past 5 to 6 years.

in my dreams.. i was jus walking along a crowded street with a chatty friend. that friend kept talking to me about something.. dun remember.. wasnt interested. once in a while i'll look in his direction, smile and knod my head if case he found out i wasnt listening.

i kept looking forward.. from afar.. i saw a familar face.. thats him.. Mr Cher. Dun know why.. a rush of warm air just flowed thru my heart.. the kind of feeling that u get when u saw an old friend. He didnt see me. i walked over.. intently decided to say hello.

finally when i was approaching him.. pushing thru the crowds.. he saw me. he was at first smiling and talkin to his friend. but when he saw me.. that smile jus eroded. He looked stern into my face.. i know he still recognises me. holding a ciragrette between his fingers..the stern look started to fade. there i was standing.. i didnt know how to react.. he didnt seem like the Mr Cher i remembered. His eyes look down.. as if ashamed of himself.. i didnt dared to get any closer.

i'm not sure if he's still a teacher.. dun know wat he's done to feel this way.. but he's totally a different person from i've known. i saw that passion in him die before my eyes. i jus stood there. watch it die.

my eyes went blury with tears fillin it up. He looked like an empty shell to me now. i couldnt take it anymore..i turned and walked fast.. didnt want to run.. dun wan to seem like it mattered.. trying to hold back my tears.. fearing ppl would be looking at me. but more importantly.. he didnt catch up.. he didnt even try. i cried even harder.

shook myself awake.. almost fell off the couch i was sleepin on. still grabbing on the the green cushion.. still wrapped in my blanket with the funny odur. i realised i was panting.. my eyes puffy and swollen as if i've spent the night crying.

wonder how he's doin now. wonder why i had this dream.. i never want to see passion die again.. not even mine.

just thinking

sometimes i sit around thinking... thinking about u.. thinking if u were sitting around thinking about me. Not sure if you did.. even if you did.. you'd probably be thinking in a different context.

does it matter?

honestly, it does to me... but then again... i'm jus thinking.

Posting : Signal Institute!

so tired goin thru the whole spectrum of emotions.. everything is driving a part of me.. from work.. to business.. to friends.. to deaths.. to His spirit. Thank God He kept me in check.

tot this week was supposed to be a slack week.. being on course and stuff.. end up being one of the longest week i had in a long time. Packed my schedule to the max. trying to settle as much as possible before heading back to camp again. Drained me mentally. THe good thing is that i slept well this week.. so tired that i fall right asleep once i hit the bed. ha.

By the way.. got my posting le. Thank God that He took care of things for me.. i'm goin to Signal Institute! hee. probably an instuctor there.. gonna free up alot of my time for Iimagine and for church. but actually quite sad having to leave 3sig.. more or less rooted here already. Quite exciting to finally get a change of enviroment.

too tired to carry on.. nitez

keep walking

I jus kept walking.. i think it's far enough. Forgotten how long it took us to get this far.. even the memories tire me.

Wondering where this road will end. Come on..i kept telling myself.. jus keep walking.. take a break if you must. but jus keep walking.

took a breather.. i think it's long enough.. when do i stop walkin? where am i goin? Or rather why am i walkin? i really dun remember.. the rain has stopped.. the sun is out.. but still

Back at where i began. The spot i took my first step. the spot i revisited so many times.. i think it's long enough. maybe i never left the spot like you said.. maybe.

The rain is gone.. the sun is really up this time round.. does it matter? i think it's long enough.. U were walkin away from me while i was foolishly following. I tot i'll eventually get somewhere.. eventually. Someday, one of us will hav to stop. You stopping for me.. or maybe i'll stop walking.

I think it's long enough.. so where we walkin to? not gonna last much longer. but jus keep walking please.

Someday.. one of us will hav to stop walking