Another goodbye

flying off again.. last night in singapore. For those who dun know.. i'm off to Australia Shoal Water Bay Training Area for 3 weeks for ex Diamond Warrior.

hmmm.. guess this is goodbye for the next 3 weeks. Weird to say so.. quite in a spot whether or not to leave. But this is for the best.. need the time off.. dun wanna leave my friends and guys behind for ex as well. So there i go tml.

yep.. as easy as it sounds.. it's hard to drag myself away rite now. Gonna miss so many ppl and things back here. *if you are wondering rite now if you are one of those ppl... take heart that you are. ha* :P Why do i always hav to leave at these kind of times.

Can still remember my last trip to Australia.. feeling kind of the same rite now. But situations and ppl changed.. why am i still feeling like this. Probably it was meant to be. Got a feeling i'm gonna do something drastic when i get back this time. maybe i will.

so take care everyone.. take care of my family while i'm away too. Goin into a period of construction and deconstruction. hopefully coming back anew. New beginning.. new courage.. new song.. new view. Just brand new.

Luvya all.. love you most.

But will you ever know

please remember...

Yes yes.. i'm flying off this sunday morning.

Stop asking me ya. You'll know i'm gone when.. well.. when i'm gone i guess.

something's really weird recently. think i'm havin mood swings. hmmmm... i dun quite understand. The world seems to be a colder place.. where "warmth" hav been placed in the freezer and love sounds so much like a distant word i tot i heard before

however, i still long for warmth and love and crazy passion in my life again.. like the feeling of star dust sprinkled in the open skies and the moonlight shimmering in the glittering silver seas.. Like walking on freezing cold stormy waters.. like being dragged gliding thru the lovely medows of magnolia in crystal sunshine... picnic under the milky ways.. champagne.. clashing waves and bewitching breeze.. shooting stars and jazz playing from the heavens.

haha..

think i'm gone. think i'm crazy. think i better not think too much.

Good think i'm goin aust. need a little of e wilderness to calm me down.. 14 days of nothingness again. I could get used to it.

dun miss me when i'm gone.. i doubt you will. In that case.. dun forget me too.

Dun have the rite words to say
Dun hold the world in my hand
Wish i could fly thru the air like your hero
But i'm jus someone who loves you...
thats all i am

Heart Of The Matter

one of my favourite song. by Don Henley.


I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined...
People filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us,
Doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, Baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you

Been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

Back to life

still adjusting back to life after my granny's gone.. suddenly after all those hospitals trips and funeral preparations, seems werid trying to settle back into life again.

Almost forgotten how my schedule was supposed to be. Was i supposed to be meeting someone? did i hav something to do tat i havent done yet? a little lost now especially when ppl dun inform abt events when they think that i probably not ready to go.

well.. dunno how was i supposed to respond to their "kindness". rather them not be so sensitive and let me get on with life. So many changes around.. feeling numb on so many issues.. sick and tired to keep up. But realised i dun have to. I'll jus stick to my own pace maybe. So wat's next?

Dad came back for granny's funeral. Spent quite some time at the funeral with him. Dun know if only adversities can bring my family together. Well.. appreciate the time alone together with him though.. kind of think of it.. i dun remember ever having private times jus him and me alone chatting besides when he stayed up with me during the funeral.

Feels kindda werid.. gotta admit i always had my bro as a buffer between me and my dad. The dad i knew was really thru my brother's experience with him. Guess he probably feels the same way.. knowing me from my bro.

I imagine it being quite interesting to know your son grew up into a man, slipping my whole childhood and teenage years passed him. Wonder wat he thinks of me. but honestly does it matter? Time really does washes alot of things away.. no long blame him for wat he did.. no longer bother actually. Just hope he'll steer away from shame and come back to Christ.

I know for sure he still believes in God.. he's the one who brought my mum to church. He's the one who planted the seeds of slavation in his family. But i guess its his guilt and shame oust him from our church.

After so many years he finally came back for a visit.. his old khakis all trying to grab this old friend for a chat. Cant help but wonder how my family would be different if he stayed behind and all those things didnt happen. Well.. i thank God for wat ever had happened.. for watever happened happens and couldnt have happened any other ways. ??? wat did i say? dun understand. haha. jus glad i turned out alright. Thank God for my mummy.. staying strong all these while for us. Told myself i'll nv leave my wife like he did. dun wanna miss out a single moment of my kids growing up.

well.. jus glad everything seems to be turning out alright. Thank you Jesus for this truly alternative childhood! ha. Guess it's back to camp tonight. That person that is sick and down with sorethroat(you know who u are. haha).. take care ya.. will keep ya in prayers. Remember to eat your medication if u need too ya.

nitez

thanks

First of all, just wanna thank everyone who helped out at my granny's funeral..especially jy, vincent, xav, phoebe, guoqing, gemi, lester,prudence... i know i'm missing some ppl.. so if i did, please forgive me. Even those who came and sent your condolences. On behalf of my family.. i extent my heart felt thanks to all of you.

been a terrible 2 weeks.. wai po (my granny) passed away on monday afternoon, 5:27pm at SGH. Long story about the whole process and i dun know where to start.. but really learnt and saw thru alot for the past 2 weeks.

For one.. i witnessed my granny die before me.. and the process was more than memorable. Her heart beat jus slowing little by little... called in by the nurses to see her for the last time. stood there watching her fade away.. while there's nothing we can do but watch her slip into a flat line. Machines piped into her from all over.. sustaining her dear life so mechanically . but yet.. death never seemed so certain before.

Well well.. death is one thing.. life is another. Only thru losing someone dear that i truly understand the joy of our believe. Believing that granny is truly in a better place.. with God right now. How His consolation washes my tears away. i cried in the ICU before she passed away.. i was crying for my living granny.. after she passed away.. i havent had to cry. Kept feeling this peace and joy and relief for my granny.. ever so sure of her salvation.

Thank God for saving her in her old age.

not gonna carry on here.. lots of things to say.. but i'm too tired go on. Collecting her ashes tml morning.. i better get some sleep. i'll keep posting soon.