keep walking

I jus kept walking.. i think it's far enough. Forgotten how long it took us to get this far.. even the memories tire me.

Wondering where this road will end. Come on..i kept telling myself.. jus keep walking.. take a break if you must. but jus keep walking.

took a breather.. i think it's long enough.. when do i stop walkin? where am i goin? Or rather why am i walkin? i really dun remember.. the rain has stopped.. the sun is out.. but still

Back at where i began. The spot i took my first step. the spot i revisited so many times.. i think it's long enough. maybe i never left the spot like you said.. maybe.

The rain is gone.. the sun is really up this time round.. does it matter? i think it's long enough.. U were walkin away from me while i was foolishly following. I tot i'll eventually get somewhere.. eventually. Someday, one of us will hav to stop. You stopping for me.. or maybe i'll stop walking.

I think it's long enough.. so where we walkin to? not gonna last much longer. but jus keep walking please.

Someday.. one of us will hav to stop walking

yawn.. it's sat morning again.. aching all over from SOC and all the runs everyday last week. my back seemed strained.. shoulders tensed.. calf feels like goin into a cramp anytime.. the gel pads in my knees wearing thin.. ankle seems to have cracking sound. haha. oh man.. think my body's broken! haha. actually no that serious la.. jus need some rest. :)

will be on course for the whole of next week.. goin back to Singapore Poly from mon to weds! ha. always so exciting to go back to my alma mater. Missed the foodcourts over there.. especially the fc6. the thing is i've forgotten wat course i'm attending and where i am supposed to report to le. haha. think better make some phone calls tml to find out.

about time for me to post out of 3Signal finally.. so where to next? recently there has been alot of talks of where all the 2sg will be posted to.. and i thank God that ppl are giving me alot of attention and fighting for a good posting for me. But then again.. "good postings" are not wat i actually wanted. To my bosses.. being a instructor means to be condemned. But thats wat i wanted to do. They intend to put me to some high profile battalions to groom me and expose me.. but then for me.. all i want is a more regulated time so that i can do more stuff on my own. Teaching is something that really interest me as well. Dun want all the knowledge i accuired from 3Sig to go to waste.. haha. well.. it's slacker over at Signal Institute as well. ha.

Already told my bosses of my intention to leave army and told them to leave the chance to groom me to someone else. Really appreciate wat my superiors are doin.. but sorry.. i've got some other plans already.

still trying to comprehend the situation. Seems like a new start.. but kept feeling something is amissed. Like i'm starting to watch a movie from the middle. Kept asking myself today.. why is it happening again? this time i know i really suck at this.. blank as a paper... as lost as a boat in the ocean. only in these times i'm truly dumbfounded.

kept wondering if i am begining to be a nuisance to her.. and either i'm too insensitive to notice or i think she's not interested in my bullshit. ha. i really dun know. if you're reading this.. i'm sorry. Just hoping we'll drop the facade this time round. tell me if u're angry.. tell me if u're frustrated.. tell me if i'm appreciated.. tell me if i'm wrong. i really wanna make it work this time.

you're right. it's true.. we're different ppl now. and i really hope this time the outcome would be different too.

the dog lie sleeping on top of my monitor..

how many years was that already? 8? 9 years?

and you're still sleeping on top of my monitor.

hmmm... sweet dreams then

Praise the Lord for He is Good!

Havent felt so drained in a long time.. but it's different this time round. Drained jus physically.. worked hard.. trained hard. No doubt i'm tried. But i thank God He refreshes me.. i go to sleep with a smile.. He lets me know that it's all gonna work out.. took my fear and anxiety and threw it out of the window.. Restored my faith.. no matter how small it is. He didnt let me go.

I really wanna turn things around this time.. my life.. my work.. my relationships. Thought through again and again.. like xav said.. wat was the root of it ever falling apart? i knew for sure it was my inferiority complex. then i tot again.. wat i'm fighting now isnt really that, but more of suffering the damages done by it before. In the name of Jesus.. i rejected the spirit of inferiority. Knowing for sure i'm worth so much more than i could ever comprehend. Thank you Jesus.

Wat's happened has happened and wouldnt hav happened any other way. Hurts and regrets in those foolish years... i've had a few.. maybe more. But still i thank You Lord.. moulding me thru the years. this year will be a brand new start. i wanna root myself in Jesus. Enough of knocking around in the dark. Tell me wat You want me to do Lord. Your intentions will be my actions. i cant do it by myself. so Help me Lord.

It still feels like the first time .. dun give up on me please

Funerals and babies..

Just got a msg this morning that YaoQiang's dad passed away. so sudden. Heard he fell and hit his head. not too sure.. but then again.. Life really is fragile. Pray that his family will tide over their lost at this time. A little numb goin to funerals.. suddenly so many ppl goin away. It's was nv really about the deceased.. it's the ppl who are drawn that intrigues me. so much life coming together to mourn the end of another's.

read it somewhere that 2 things draws ppl together like nothing else on earth.. funerals and babies.. becos everyone knows deep inside of the fragility of life. Funerals.. not knowing when it will be our time.. and babies.. reminding us of how we started. The begining and the end that draws ppl together. wat an irony.

Something incredible happened the other day.. maybe to others might not be such a big deal but it's absolutly incredible to me.ha. I felt like a huge rock lifted from my heart.. knowing that she didnt close the door. i'm so glad things are moving now.. i know things might not end up like i would have wanted. But i'm just glad things are anything but the way it was before.

But still.. i'm askin myself how.. at a lost of wat to do too.. ha. it's been so long.. well.. i'd jus take things one thing at a time.

Delighted someone pressed the "reset" button. ha. Thanks :)

it's really scary when you're so caught up with something tat u're begining to forget wat matters.

dun remember how i got here since my last entry.. so busy with events like Christmas and new year and .. and.. erm.. actually i dun know why i'm so busy. Just hate to quiet down not becos i'm afraid that i'll start thinkin abt things.. it's more that i'm afraid if i quieten down.. i might realise that there really isnt much to think about seriously in my life.

is tat true? i rather not find out. drowning myself with work.. finally heard something that recognised my efforts. Heard from my CSM that i'm ranked among the tops of all the 2sg in the BN last work year. I smiled at the news.. but then again.. wat does it say? nothing much tat really matters. End of the day.. i'm still lonely.

Yeah.. friends. I have quite a few.. but it's really a different space they fill. why is it that i keep feeling lacking? So many issues unsettled with myself. this feeling sucks. Especially there isnt much ppl i'll open up to. Really need more avenue to unload these frustrations besides work. Yawn.

Did something really stupid the other day out of folly.. dun know if it's for the better or not. She's keeping silent all along. Thats the worst thing of all. Can hardly remember wat i wrote at all le. shucks. Forget it..

Why am i always complaining? is it becos of the flu? i cant tell anymore.. yawn.