Saturday, September 24, 2005

jus a thought

had an interesting thought jus yesterdae. Was hoping it would rain. It didnt.

Suddenly forgotten how it felt to stand in the rain.. droplets of sky dews grazing my face.. soaking my skin. Sound of rushing rain hitting the ground.

As i grow up.. the idea of standing in the rain suddenly lost it's appeal. Starting to associate it with catching the flu.. wet and drenched.. wet shoes... wet socks.. and er.. wet underwear. Not a pretty feeling when i think about it.

When i was younger.. rain was the best thing ever. I'd remember the time when we'll only come out and play when it rains. playing soccer or rugby in the mud filled fields!

In army when i was still a trainee.. everyday we were praying for rain as trainings would be cancelled. Before u know it we'd all be sleeping again.. hypnotised by the rhythm of the rain. The only thing we complain when it rains were the freezing cold showers.

Not sure if u noticed.. the universal motion of stretching out your hand to feel the rain drops when it rains.. it's the same everywhere. i'd see children do that.. cupping their hands together to form a puddle in thier palms. I'd wonder where they learnt it.

This strange enticement abt the rain. i love it.

I'm still hoping it rains todae.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Roller coaster

22 years of my life and i still cannot believe how someone can alternate one's mood so easily. yes yes.. it's me. Felt like i'm on an emotional roller coaster.. again.

It's really a funny feeling.. i can imagine myself in the amusment park.. paid my ticket for a roller coaster ride. Not knowing if i'll enjoy it. Sat down with my anxiety running wide, waiting for the ride to jus take my breathe away.

Running thru my head.. all the impressions of a roller coaster rides flashed. Painted a picture of how it's supposed to feel. The anticipation.. emotional build up.. holding my breathe..and lots of laughter and relief when it's all over. Thinkin my experience wouldnt differ much from my impression.. i'm looking forward for the ride of my life!

The sound of motor starting woke me from my day dream. Slowly but surely.. my cart moved towards a bend out of my line of sight.. and off i go.

Within minutes.. i'm back.. the sound of the motor slowing down, drawing to a complete stop back at where i began. Needless to say.. it was nothing i ever felt before.. nothing like i thought it would be. Hair is a little messy.. heart still pumping alittle fast.. my hands still gripped tightly on the handle in front of me.

I wasnt smiling. Not that i wasnt happy.. but i wasnt smiling. There's a certain allure that draws me back to relish the sensations of the ride. Some i loved( the adrenaline and all the fresh anticipation of something i yearn to try).. some i regretted(unprepared twist and turns.. fear and dissapointment inflicted).. some that brought me down(It probably didnt meet my expectation). I know i wasnt satisfied. However, i told myself i'm not gonna try anymore. Scared? probably. I'm afraid the second time will end up the same.

Ended up wondering around the amusment park.. holding my remaining tickets. Wondering where i should spend it instead. Somehow.. i gravited back to the roller coaster ride. Memories of the ride still fresh in my head. The allure draws me in again. The next thing i know is i'm queuing for the ride again.

Long line of people in front of me.. people sitting on the seat that i was seated jus a moment ago. Still comtemplating if i made the right choice.

Now.. it's my turn. Sitting back at the same seat i was before. i looked ahead. here i ago again. All i hope is tat this time.. i return with wat i was looking for.

Too soon to tell.

My hands gripped tightly on the handle once again.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Jus plain comfortable. Nothing more.. nothing less

Finding it hard to pen down abt last night.. couldnt find the words. Probably i was a little taken aback and overwhelmed by how comfortable it was.. the company.. the musical.. it was all amazing.

I was actually gonna break sweat in the air-conditioned mrt station before she came. No idea wat to expect. My heartbeat, besides being irritatingly faster than usual.. it was beating way harder. Standing in a corner.. only to realise i was like 30mins too early.. but already.. my eyes were looking around jus in case.

I know myself.. these are the early signs of freaking out. For wat? i really hav no idea. I jus stood there.. waiting.

The next thing i know.. i caught a glimps of her in the crowd. The sight of her drowned out my heart beat. A rush of calm washes thru my body. Then i suddenly forgotten why i was nervous in the first place. It was comfortable.. tat familar face.

Dinner.. chat.. trip to the indoor stadium.. Havent felt this way for a long time. This "nothing else matters" kindda feeling. i'm jus glad i'm with good company.

Musical was great.. even though the story's a little lame. But jacky Cheng made it all up with his voice. I was in awe! my first time listening to him Live! It's worth every single buck of the ticket. Too bad we were seated right at the very last row of the stadium. Jacky Cheng was smaller than my thumb from where i saw it. ha. But still.. really enjoyed every moment of the night. Tune stucked in my head.. secret glances to my right. Especially the glances.

I dun know how to put it.. but honestly.. nothing seems important enough to deserve a mention here tonight. Cos all i remember of last night.. was probably the company. Thank God it was nothing like i tot it'll be.

Jus plain comfortable. Nothing more.. nothing less. i'm jus glad you're around. : )

Friday, September 16, 2005

Morning Babble

so soon.. it's fri again. Dont know if i should dread todae.. or be excited abt it. In case u dun know.. i'm watching Snow.Wolf.Lake tonight.

Past few nights ppl called me.. curious to know wats goin on.. and i realised i probably made a fool of myself online. Didnt know ppl actually reads my blog.ha. Then the next thing thats hits me.. What if she reads my blog too??

This is the ultimate blogging dlilemma .. suddenly felt to urge to take down watever i said abt her in this blog. I know i know.. there's no way i can be selective abt who reads my blog. But i dun wanna have to be "sensitive" abt wat i say here, excluding details.. blurring up the truths. Then this would be a politically correct statement board.

I asked myself.. wat is the purpose of this blog? I named it Silent Witness with the impression of this blog witnessing the ups and downs and hipccups in my life. Sitting here silent in cyber space.. storing my memories and my thoughts, my opinions and nevertheless... my complaints.

Articles in newspapers abt bloggers are not an uncommon sight recently.. bloggers getting into trouble with the law for passing racist remarks.. bloggers making politically insensitive statements.. etc etc. But i realised alot of them are making statements to shock or to up the entertainment value of their blogs. I have to admit some of them writes really well and i'm not ashamed to confess i really enjoy reading them.

However.. i'm not the same. Not that i dun wanna make out of this world statements and have a hugh following of readers waiting to read wat i blog everyday. I simply cant. I'm not an established writer nor do i have the capacity to capture the interest and attention of netizens.

Knowing where i stand.. i understood that this isnt exactly my cup of tea. Not that i dun drink tea.. jus tat i'm not a connoisseur of this sort of tea. ha. (Understand wat i mean?)

So i decided right from the start to stay out of this race.. dun wanna write for the sake of viewership or to entertain the ppl who reads this. But in turn.. i hope whoever reads my blog could get to know me alittle better.

Anyhow... i'm still appreciative to anyone who bothers to take time off to read my 5cents worth of rubbish. Thanks.

Decided not to take down any post.. if she ever reads it.. well.. it's a little embarrassing, but sorry i cant help it.

I Remember

Jus goin thru some concepts for how my Division Commander's farewell video is gonna be like.. kept thinking along the line of makin it upbeat and funny and light hearted. well.. alittle like those i've seen before.

Boring.

As the idea brews.. a theme suddenly hits me. "I Remember.." . i think i know wat i wanna do with the video. I dun wanna jus be a factory churning out lame videos ppl will never remember. More ever.. i quite like my current divCom. He's suave.. looks really smart and really carries himself very well. Quite the commander that commands respect.ha.

I want ppl who comes to the farewell to take back something. Especially him. It's decided! It's gonna be emotional.(hmm..a whole bunch of old army fellas getting emotional.ha. imagine that!!)

But then again.. it's not really up to me to decide. I'll propose anywae.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

You maDe mY DaY!

Mixed feelings yesterdae.. had rashes all over my body.. must be something i ate. couldnt sleep.. itching all over. sianz. But something happened and soothed all the itch and pain. I asked..she said yes. She made my dae.. or rather my night. Still itchy? yes.. but i couldnt care less.

I know it's nothing major.. but still.. feels great. Suddenly felt silly looking at myself losing sleep over it. Was it the rash or was it her? Its probably abit of both. Snap out of it! Not gonna let this get to my head.

Fri's the day. Honestly.. i'm really excited. and maybe a little scared. But wat am i afraid of? There isnt supposed to be any expectation. It's jus a concert. I'm supposed to enjoy myself. Why do i feel this silly pressure to be at my best? i guess i've been thinking too much.
Way too much.

I'm jus too glad it happened. Even if it's not gonna mean anything.. you made my dae. :)

Sunday, September 11, 2005

AHM 21km

yes... i'm back home after the 21km run. not as bad as i thought. Or maybe the pain havent kicked in yet. hee.
~
No doubt i'm still tired out. Nope.. didnt hit the passing timing.. but it doesnt really matter. I think i probably could run in the passing timing if i try alittle harder.. but i didnt wanna push my body so hard..it's quite a big jump cos the furthest i ever ran was 12km. I stopped at 16km and took a quick stroll all the way back to the finishing line. ha. feels pretty good.
~
My first ever marathon.. feels more like a social event rather. Thousands and thousands of ppl gathered in the wee hours at the padang.. all in their shorts and singlets. Relectant faces were few.. i'm surprised. The horn sounds off.. the marathon flags on.. the congestions was so bad tat we had to walk for 2km before we actually had space to start running.
~
The next thing i know, i became a social butterfly. Along the way when we hit the ECP, friends and familar faces started poping along my sides.. BMT platoon mates.. SISPEC friends... poly buddies. I'm amazed at how much everyone had grown but yet still stays the same. Renjie still spots the signature botak hair style.. Yap still small and petite. A gush of memories flooding in.. chatting abt the past.. catching up on the present. Suddenly i've forgotten abt the pain and fatigue.
~
I really thank God that i have a big circle of friends.. didnt realised it till when i was hopping from groups to groups. Though i ran on without my cliche(*guilty) but i was never really alone running. Thank You Lord! couldnt have done it without You!
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NExt year.. i'm coming again..gonna make sure i run under 2hr and 30mins. ha. not very fast..but tats abt all i can do. I'm not born to run.. this i know. but i'm not born to fail either.
~
Never really understood how anyone can enjoy running when it's such a painful process to me. But i decided to take another approach to it. i believe that the only way i'm ever gonna enjoy running is when i there is a deserving purpose to it! I'm not gonna try improve my timing... i'm gonna try improve the contentment level. every step i take.. i'm gonna make it count. i want to be running for something.. for someone. Probably sounds silly to you eh.. doesnt really matter. as long a it means something to me.
~
my first ever half marathon.. yes i'm dead tired.. but looking forward to it already.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

*touches my forehead with the back of my palm*
am i sick? dun seem so.. then wats this feeling i'm feeling now.. shucks.. feels cold from within.. like i'm dreading something. goin back to camp maybe? been a long time since i dread goin back to camp. Feel like reporting sick and shun Ex Diamond Link. Not that i dun enjoy army.. think it really is the Justin factor.. pisses me off. Never had to work so stressed out in army before, so undignified. I know there's nothing to be afraid of.. i keep telling myself that, but my heart still pumps double quick time. My guess.. it's a combination of stress.. frustrations.. fear.. fatigue and morale.
Sickening feeling
Thank God i made it thru last week.. hell of a week. Rushing thru one thing to another. Bunt my fingers cooking noodles..*stupid* @_@. Honestly.. i dun really know wat happened last week.. all i know is i was damn tired and lost. Couldnt find the momentum. But i know this week is not gonna be any easier. So help me God!
Dun like the fact that my blog is filled with complaints.. but thats all i can muster now.. Rite now.. even if i was to meet with an accident or fall ill and stay out of action for a while would be a good thing. it's sad.. i wished more happy things hits me this week.
Oh ya..i think i'm goin to Australia, Wallaby this coming Nov for a month! Quite excited abt it. but i'll be goin alone.. thats a good thing too i guess. Foreign land.. stranger friends.. Windy sands... happy Dan! hah.. it better be.