dun really wanna blog nowadays.. got nothing to say anymore.. i feel like i'm living in a mime. lost my voice.. jus watching my black and white life go past.
in this black and white mime of mine.. there is this little window. A window where i'd always take a peek. Peeking at the world outside.
outside this window is a beautiful world of colours.. rainbow splashed.. i hear laughter.. humming of songs.. sounds of wind running thru the park. the sight and sound of a world i dun belong. I belong to the black and white mime.
i dun remember having to try so hard to be happy. not that i'm not. just tired tryin and sustaining and losing it again. things were easier before. everyone's trying with you. and slowly one by one found out how.. and u realised u're trying to smile by yourself. wondering wat's wrong with yourself.
the thing is.. nothing is really wrong.. nothing was ever wrong. you jus simply long to reach out to another life. then you realised it's not about being happy. it's really about lonliness. i'd rather laugh and cry and whine and do anything together with someone rather than alone. but then again.. you're never really alone. you jus chose the people you want to do them with. people reaching out to you.. you're reaching out to someone else. everyone's neglected. But of cos those who found each other has a different story.
work has dulled me.. people has failed me.. the world is laughing at me.. and worst of all.. i cant stand me.
people telling me they were afraid to talk to me.. telling me they were kept their distance from me. i really wonder wat kind of a person i am. i guess the smiles i'm seeing all these while aint real. at least most of them. if i had the chance.. i'd really wanna meet daniel.
wat's keepin me awake? unsatisfaction i guess. people telling me things i dun understand. people shunning me.. i dun understand. people expecting me to do things that they think i ought to.. they dun understand.
good thing one thing i do understand.. this tv is a colour tv. only the program is black and white. all i need to do is to change the channel.
2 things.. i gotta first find the remote. And i kind of like watching black and white oldies. Maybe i'll hang on a little long to see wat happens before i channel surf.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Sunday, March 25, 2007
guess you'll never really know
relationships of all kinds breaking down everywhere.. so fragile.
between lovers.. families.. friends.. nothing is really forever.
scary how people change.. how people forgets their commitments and the things they said before.. scarier how people belittle the consequences for unworthy causes.
even marraige meant so much less nowadays. the band and binds 2 lives together? seems like it's only binding when they're in love. so much for "for better or for worst.."
someone told me to find the right person.. but i guess you can only ever find the right person for tat particular moment.. will i ever know if that person is really the right one for me for life? what if some time down the road.. that "right" person dun feel so right anymore?
guess you'll never really know.
People say change is the only constant.. i say You Lord.. You stay the same.. faithful as always.
Put God in the center of every relationship.. may it stay the same too. thats all i can say.
between lovers.. families.. friends.. nothing is really forever.
scary how people change.. how people forgets their commitments and the things they said before.. scarier how people belittle the consequences for unworthy causes.
even marraige meant so much less nowadays. the band and binds 2 lives together? seems like it's only binding when they're in love. so much for "for better or for worst.."
someone told me to find the right person.. but i guess you can only ever find the right person for tat particular moment.. will i ever know if that person is really the right one for me for life? what if some time down the road.. that "right" person dun feel so right anymore?
guess you'll never really know.
People say change is the only constant.. i say You Lord.. You stay the same.. faithful as always.
Put God in the center of every relationship.. may it stay the same too. thats all i can say.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
i saw passion die
shook myself awake.. almost fell off the couch i was sleepin on. still grabbing on the the green cushion.. still wrapped in my blanket with the funny odur. i realised i was panting.. my eyes puffy and swollen as if i've spent the night crying.
Must be a bad dream.. flipping thru the recollections of my dreams last night.. only to find i wasnt too good at remembering dreams. But one thing i do remembered.. almost vivid.. i remember i saw passion died.. and i cried.
still on my couch.. not asleep anymore but i closed my eyes trying hard to remember wat made me cry so hard in my dreams. Then i saw his face.. Mr Cher.
Mr Cher was my primary school teacher.. he taught me science and english. He was one of my favourite teacher and i always enjoy his lesson and excursions. His hair looked like a wig to me.. but then again.. who would put on a greying wig. remembered how he'll always pull the hair on my sideburns when i "forget" to hand in my homework once... and again.. and again. ha.
To the primary school Me.. he was jus a nice teacher.. treating us to little treats and movies when he could. but when i looked back.. there was something different about him. His dedication to his job and his passion to teach and mould lifes thru unconventional methods really impresses me.
kindda think of it.. it's been so many years already.. i havent seen him in at least the past 5 to 6 years.
in my dreams.. i was jus walking along a crowded street with a chatty friend. that friend kept talking to me about something.. dun remember.. wasnt interested. once in a while i'll look in his direction, smile and knod my head if case he found out i wasnt listening.
i kept looking forward.. from afar.. i saw a familar face.. thats him.. Mr Cher. Dun know why.. a rush of warm air just flowed thru my heart.. the kind of feeling that u get when u saw an old friend. He didnt see me. i walked over.. intently decided to say hello.
finally when i was approaching him.. pushing thru the crowds.. he saw me. he was at first smiling and talkin to his friend. but when he saw me.. that smile jus eroded. He looked stern into my face.. i know he still recognises me. holding a ciragrette between his fingers..the stern look started to fade. there i was standing.. i didnt know how to react.. he didnt seem like the Mr Cher i remembered. His eyes look down.. as if ashamed of himself.. i didnt dared to get any closer.
i'm not sure if he's still a teacher.. dun know wat he's done to feel this way.. but he's totally a different person from i've known. i saw that passion in him die before my eyes. i jus stood there. watch it die.
my eyes went blury with tears fillin it up. He looked like an empty shell to me now. i couldnt take it anymore..i turned and walked fast.. didnt want to run.. dun wan to seem like it mattered.. trying to hold back my tears.. fearing ppl would be looking at me. but more importantly.. he didnt catch up.. he didnt even try. i cried even harder.
shook myself awake.. almost fell off the couch i was sleepin on. still grabbing on the the green cushion.. still wrapped in my blanket with the funny odur. i realised i was panting.. my eyes puffy and swollen as if i've spent the night crying.
wonder how he's doin now. wonder why i had this dream.. i never want to see passion die again.. not even mine.
Must be a bad dream.. flipping thru the recollections of my dreams last night.. only to find i wasnt too good at remembering dreams. But one thing i do remembered.. almost vivid.. i remember i saw passion died.. and i cried.
still on my couch.. not asleep anymore but i closed my eyes trying hard to remember wat made me cry so hard in my dreams. Then i saw his face.. Mr Cher.
Mr Cher was my primary school teacher.. he taught me science and english. He was one of my favourite teacher and i always enjoy his lesson and excursions. His hair looked like a wig to me.. but then again.. who would put on a greying wig. remembered how he'll always pull the hair on my sideburns when i "forget" to hand in my homework once... and again.. and again. ha.
To the primary school Me.. he was jus a nice teacher.. treating us to little treats and movies when he could. but when i looked back.. there was something different about him. His dedication to his job and his passion to teach and mould lifes thru unconventional methods really impresses me.
kindda think of it.. it's been so many years already.. i havent seen him in at least the past 5 to 6 years.
in my dreams.. i was jus walking along a crowded street with a chatty friend. that friend kept talking to me about something.. dun remember.. wasnt interested. once in a while i'll look in his direction, smile and knod my head if case he found out i wasnt listening.
i kept looking forward.. from afar.. i saw a familar face.. thats him.. Mr Cher. Dun know why.. a rush of warm air just flowed thru my heart.. the kind of feeling that u get when u saw an old friend. He didnt see me. i walked over.. intently decided to say hello.
finally when i was approaching him.. pushing thru the crowds.. he saw me. he was at first smiling and talkin to his friend. but when he saw me.. that smile jus eroded. He looked stern into my face.. i know he still recognises me. holding a ciragrette between his fingers..the stern look started to fade. there i was standing.. i didnt know how to react.. he didnt seem like the Mr Cher i remembered. His eyes look down.. as if ashamed of himself.. i didnt dared to get any closer.
i'm not sure if he's still a teacher.. dun know wat he's done to feel this way.. but he's totally a different person from i've known. i saw that passion in him die before my eyes. i jus stood there. watch it die.
my eyes went blury with tears fillin it up. He looked like an empty shell to me now. i couldnt take it anymore..i turned and walked fast.. didnt want to run.. dun wan to seem like it mattered.. trying to hold back my tears.. fearing ppl would be looking at me. but more importantly.. he didnt catch up.. he didnt even try. i cried even harder.
shook myself awake.. almost fell off the couch i was sleepin on. still grabbing on the the green cushion.. still wrapped in my blanket with the funny odur. i realised i was panting.. my eyes puffy and swollen as if i've spent the night crying.
wonder how he's doin now. wonder why i had this dream.. i never want to see passion die again.. not even mine.
Friday, March 02, 2007
just thinking
sometimes i sit around thinking... thinking about u.. thinking if u were sitting around thinking about me. Not sure if you did.. even if you did.. you'd probably be thinking in a different context.
does it matter?
honestly, it does to me... but then again... i'm jus thinking.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Posting : Signal Institute!
so tired goin thru the whole spectrum of emotions.. everything is driving a part of me.. from work.. to business.. to friends.. to deaths.. to His spirit. Thank God He kept me in check.
tot this week was supposed to be a slack week.. being on course and stuff.. end up being one of the longest week i had in a long time. Packed my schedule to the max. trying to settle as much as possible before heading back to camp again. Drained me mentally. THe good thing is that i slept well this week.. so tired that i fall right asleep once i hit the bed. ha.
By the way.. got my posting le. Thank God that He took care of things for me.. i'm goin to Signal Institute! hee. probably an instuctor there.. gonna free up alot of my time for Iimagine and for church. but actually quite sad having to leave 3sig.. more or less rooted here already. Quite exciting to finally get a change of enviroment.
too tired to carry on.. nitez
tot this week was supposed to be a slack week.. being on course and stuff.. end up being one of the longest week i had in a long time. Packed my schedule to the max. trying to settle as much as possible before heading back to camp again. Drained me mentally. THe good thing is that i slept well this week.. so tired that i fall right asleep once i hit the bed. ha.
By the way.. got my posting le. Thank God that He took care of things for me.. i'm goin to Signal Institute! hee. probably an instuctor there.. gonna free up alot of my time for Iimagine and for church. but actually quite sad having to leave 3sig.. more or less rooted here already. Quite exciting to finally get a change of enviroment.
too tired to carry on.. nitez
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
keep walking
I jus kept walking.. i think it's far enough. Forgotten how long it took us to get this far.. even the memories tire me.
Wondering where this road will end. Come on..i kept telling myself.. jus keep walking.. take a break if you must. but jus keep walking.
took a breather.. i think it's long enough.. when do i stop walkin? where am i goin? Or rather why am i walkin? i really dun remember.. the rain has stopped.. the sun is out.. but still
Back at where i began. The spot i took my first step. the spot i revisited so many times.. i think it's long enough. maybe i never left the spot like you said.. maybe.
The rain is gone.. the sun is really up this time round.. does it matter? i think it's long enough.. U were walkin away from me while i was foolishly following. I tot i'll eventually get somewhere.. eventually. Someday, one of us will hav to stop. You stopping for me.. or maybe i'll stop walking.
I think it's long enough.. so where we walkin to? not gonna last much longer. but jus keep walking please.
Someday.. one of us will hav to stop walking
Saturday, January 27, 2007
yawn.. it's sat morning again.. aching all over from SOC and all the runs everyday last week. my back seemed strained.. shoulders tensed.. calf feels like goin into a cramp anytime.. the gel pads in my knees wearing thin.. ankle seems to have cracking sound. haha. oh man.. think my body's broken! haha. actually no that serious la.. jus need some rest. :)
will be on course for the whole of next week.. goin back to Singapore Poly from mon to weds! ha. always so exciting to go back to my alma mater. Missed the foodcourts over there.. especially the fc6. the thing is i've forgotten wat course i'm attending and where i am supposed to report to le. haha. think better make some phone calls tml to find out.
about time for me to post out of 3Signal finally.. so where to next? recently there has been alot of talks of where all the 2sg will be posted to.. and i thank God that ppl are giving me alot of attention and fighting for a good posting for me. But then again.. "good postings" are not wat i actually wanted. To my bosses.. being a instructor means to be condemned. But thats wat i wanted to do. They intend to put me to some high profile battalions to groom me and expose me.. but then for me.. all i want is a more regulated time so that i can do more stuff on my own. Teaching is something that really interest me as well. Dun want all the knowledge i accuired from 3Sig to go to waste.. haha. well.. it's slacker over at Signal Institute as well. ha.
Already told my bosses of my intention to leave army and told them to leave the chance to groom me to someone else. Really appreciate wat my superiors are doin.. but sorry.. i've got some other plans already.
still trying to comprehend the situation. Seems like a new start.. but kept feeling something is amissed. Like i'm starting to watch a movie from the middle. Kept asking myself today.. why is it happening again? this time i know i really suck at this.. blank as a paper... as lost as a boat in the ocean. only in these times i'm truly dumbfounded.
kept wondering if i am begining to be a nuisance to her.. and either i'm too insensitive to notice or i think she's not interested in my bullshit. ha. i really dun know. if you're reading this.. i'm sorry. Just hoping we'll drop the facade this time round. tell me if u're angry.. tell me if u're frustrated.. tell me if i'm appreciated.. tell me if i'm wrong. i really wanna make it work this time.
you're right. it's true.. we're different ppl now. and i really hope this time the outcome would be different too.
will be on course for the whole of next week.. goin back to Singapore Poly from mon to weds! ha. always so exciting to go back to my alma mater. Missed the foodcourts over there.. especially the fc6. the thing is i've forgotten wat course i'm attending and where i am supposed to report to le. haha. think better make some phone calls tml to find out.
about time for me to post out of 3Signal finally.. so where to next? recently there has been alot of talks of where all the 2sg will be posted to.. and i thank God that ppl are giving me alot of attention and fighting for a good posting for me. But then again.. "good postings" are not wat i actually wanted. To my bosses.. being a instructor means to be condemned. But thats wat i wanted to do. They intend to put me to some high profile battalions to groom me and expose me.. but then for me.. all i want is a more regulated time so that i can do more stuff on my own. Teaching is something that really interest me as well. Dun want all the knowledge i accuired from 3Sig to go to waste.. haha. well.. it's slacker over at Signal Institute as well. ha.
Already told my bosses of my intention to leave army and told them to leave the chance to groom me to someone else. Really appreciate wat my superiors are doin.. but sorry.. i've got some other plans already.
still trying to comprehend the situation. Seems like a new start.. but kept feeling something is amissed. Like i'm starting to watch a movie from the middle. Kept asking myself today.. why is it happening again? this time i know i really suck at this.. blank as a paper... as lost as a boat in the ocean. only in these times i'm truly dumbfounded.
kept wondering if i am begining to be a nuisance to her.. and either i'm too insensitive to notice or i think she's not interested in my bullshit. ha. i really dun know. if you're reading this.. i'm sorry. Just hoping we'll drop the facade this time round. tell me if u're angry.. tell me if u're frustrated.. tell me if i'm appreciated.. tell me if i'm wrong. i really wanna make it work this time.
you're right. it's true.. we're different ppl now. and i really hope this time the outcome would be different too.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Friday, January 19, 2007
Praise the Lord for He is Good!
Havent felt so drained in a long time.. but it's different this time round. Drained jus physically.. worked hard.. trained hard. No doubt i'm tried. But i thank God He refreshes me.. i go to sleep with a smile.. He lets me know that it's all gonna work out.. took my fear and anxiety and threw it out of the window.. Restored my faith.. no matter how small it is. He didnt let me go.
I really wanna turn things around this time.. my life.. my work.. my relationships. Thought through again and again.. like xav said.. wat was the root of it ever falling apart? i knew for sure it was my inferiority complex. then i tot again.. wat i'm fighting now isnt really that, but more of suffering the damages done by it before. In the name of Jesus.. i rejected the spirit of inferiority. Knowing for sure i'm worth so much more than i could ever comprehend. Thank you Jesus.
Wat's happened has happened and wouldnt hav happened any other way. Hurts and regrets in those foolish years... i've had a few.. maybe more. But still i thank You Lord.. moulding me thru the years. this year will be a brand new start. i wanna root myself in Jesus. Enough of knocking around in the dark. Tell me wat You want me to do Lord. Your intentions will be my actions. i cant do it by myself. so Help me Lord.
It still feels like the first time .. dun give up on me please
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Funerals and babies..
Just got a msg this morning that YaoQiang's dad passed away. so sudden. Heard he fell and hit his head. not too sure.. but then again.. Life really is fragile. Pray that his family will tide over their lost at this time. A little numb goin to funerals.. suddenly so many ppl goin away. It's was nv really about the deceased.. it's the ppl who are drawn that intrigues me. so much life coming together to mourn the end of another's.
read it somewhere that 2 things draws ppl together like nothing else on earth.. funerals and babies.. becos everyone knows deep inside of the fragility of life. Funerals.. not knowing when it will be our time.. and babies.. reminding us of how we started. The begining and the end that draws ppl together. wat an irony.
Something incredible happened the other day.. maybe to others might not be such a big deal but it's absolutly incredible to me.ha. I felt like a huge rock lifted from my heart.. knowing that she didnt close the door. i'm so glad things are moving now.. i know things might not end up like i would have wanted. But i'm just glad things are anything but the way it was before.
But still.. i'm askin myself how.. at a lost of wat to do too.. ha. it's been so long.. well.. i'd jus take things one thing at a time.
Delighted someone pressed the "reset" button. ha. Thanks :)
read it somewhere that 2 things draws ppl together like nothing else on earth.. funerals and babies.. becos everyone knows deep inside of the fragility of life. Funerals.. not knowing when it will be our time.. and babies.. reminding us of how we started. The begining and the end that draws ppl together. wat an irony.
Something incredible happened the other day.. maybe to others might not be such a big deal but it's absolutly incredible to me.ha. I felt like a huge rock lifted from my heart.. knowing that she didnt close the door. i'm so glad things are moving now.. i know things might not end up like i would have wanted. But i'm just glad things are anything but the way it was before.
But still.. i'm askin myself how.. at a lost of wat to do too.. ha. it's been so long.. well.. i'd jus take things one thing at a time.
Delighted someone pressed the "reset" button. ha. Thanks :)
Saturday, January 06, 2007
it's really scary when you're so caught up with something tat u're begining to forget wat matters.
dun remember how i got here since my last entry.. so busy with events like Christmas and new year and .. and.. erm.. actually i dun know why i'm so busy. Just hate to quiet down not becos i'm afraid that i'll start thinkin abt things.. it's more that i'm afraid if i quieten down.. i might realise that there really isnt much to think about seriously in my life.
is tat true? i rather not find out. drowning myself with work.. finally heard something that recognised my efforts. Heard from my CSM that i'm ranked among the tops of all the 2sg in the BN last work year. I smiled at the news.. but then again.. wat does it say? nothing much tat really matters. End of the day.. i'm still lonely.
Yeah.. friends. I have quite a few.. but it's really a different space they fill. why is it that i keep feeling lacking? So many issues unsettled with myself. this feeling sucks. Especially there isnt much ppl i'll open up to. Really need more avenue to unload these frustrations besides work. Yawn.
Did something really stupid the other day out of folly.. dun know if it's for the better or not. She's keeping silent all along. Thats the worst thing of all. Can hardly remember wat i wrote at all le. shucks. Forget it..
Why am i always complaining? is it becos of the flu? i cant tell anymore.. yawn.
dun remember how i got here since my last entry.. so busy with events like Christmas and new year and .. and.. erm.. actually i dun know why i'm so busy. Just hate to quiet down not becos i'm afraid that i'll start thinkin abt things.. it's more that i'm afraid if i quieten down.. i might realise that there really isnt much to think about seriously in my life.
is tat true? i rather not find out. drowning myself with work.. finally heard something that recognised my efforts. Heard from my CSM that i'm ranked among the tops of all the 2sg in the BN last work year. I smiled at the news.. but then again.. wat does it say? nothing much tat really matters. End of the day.. i'm still lonely.
Yeah.. friends. I have quite a few.. but it's really a different space they fill. why is it that i keep feeling lacking? So many issues unsettled with myself. this feeling sucks. Especially there isnt much ppl i'll open up to. Really need more avenue to unload these frustrations besides work. Yawn.
Did something really stupid the other day out of folly.. dun know if it's for the better or not. She's keeping silent all along. Thats the worst thing of all. Can hardly remember wat i wrote at all le. shucks. Forget it..
Why am i always complaining? is it becos of the flu? i cant tell anymore.. yawn.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
ever felt like you were deep into a conversation and unwillingly you fell asleep... only to jerk yourself up and realise that the person you are talkin to is still on the same topic.. However u kept feeling that u missed something?
well.. nothing much to bring back from aust this time round. Had a lot of time to myself though.. wanted to think thru some stuff with the time i had. Didnt really work out. I chosed to leave it aside. Took a good break in the middle of the outback not thinking abt anything.. or anyone rather.
had a good time getting to know the ppl in my node a lot better..all the time we had in the 14days out field. Gathering at the camp fire for warmth and comfort from the freezing cold. Pouring out from jokes to opinions to problems. Fighting for impossible links.. thinking of ways to fight boredom. Definately wielded everyone together.
but still.. it always felt empty at the end of the day when the fire chills. Like something is unacomplished. well.. nvm.
beautiful stars.. once so familar.. nice to see you again.. throwing stones.. carving wood.. evidence of our boredom rolled through out the hills.
thats wallaby... again. loved it.. cant wait to get home. Now i'm home.. cant wait to get back there.
tot i didnt miss much from my absence.. guess i was wrong.. ppl pretending i didnt miss much.. such disgusting pretense. You didnt bothered.. end of story. Wat else could i do? something's churning inside.. unsettled rage tat everyone is painting a false picture for me.. pacifying me.. marked me as if i was gonna be difficult. Tagged "Approach with caution" label. Please tell me i'm wrong. i probably am. I usually am. i never know. i tot i didnt care.. but i do.
nvm.
well.. nothing much to bring back from aust this time round. Had a lot of time to myself though.. wanted to think thru some stuff with the time i had. Didnt really work out. I chosed to leave it aside. Took a good break in the middle of the outback not thinking abt anything.. or anyone rather.
had a good time getting to know the ppl in my node a lot better..all the time we had in the 14days out field. Gathering at the camp fire for warmth and comfort from the freezing cold. Pouring out from jokes to opinions to problems. Fighting for impossible links.. thinking of ways to fight boredom. Definately wielded everyone together.
but still.. it always felt empty at the end of the day when the fire chills. Like something is unacomplished. well.. nvm.
beautiful stars.. once so familar.. nice to see you again.. throwing stones.. carving wood.. evidence of our boredom rolled through out the hills.
thats wallaby... again. loved it.. cant wait to get home. Now i'm home.. cant wait to get back there.
tot i didnt miss much from my absence.. guess i was wrong.. ppl pretending i didnt miss much.. such disgusting pretense. You didnt bothered.. end of story. Wat else could i do? something's churning inside.. unsettled rage tat everyone is painting a false picture for me.. pacifying me.. marked me as if i was gonna be difficult. Tagged "Approach with caution" label. Please tell me i'm wrong. i probably am. I usually am. i never know. i tot i didnt care.. but i do.
nvm.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Another goodbye
flying off again.. last night in singapore. For those who dun know.. i'm off to Australia Shoal Water Bay Training Area for 3 weeks for ex Diamond Warrior.
hmmm.. guess this is goodbye for the next 3 weeks. Weird to say so.. quite in a spot whether or not to leave. But this is for the best.. need the time off.. dun wanna leave my friends and guys behind for ex as well. So there i go tml.
yep.. as easy as it sounds.. it's hard to drag myself away rite now. Gonna miss so many ppl and things back here. *if you are wondering rite now if you are one of those ppl... take heart that you are. ha* :P Why do i always hav to leave at these kind of times.
Can still remember my last trip to Australia.. feeling kind of the same rite now. But situations and ppl changed.. why am i still feeling like this. Probably it was meant to be. Got a feeling i'm gonna do something drastic when i get back this time. maybe i will.
so take care everyone.. take care of my family while i'm away too. Goin into a period of construction and deconstruction. hopefully coming back anew. New beginning.. new courage.. new song.. new view. Just brand new.
hmmm.. guess this is goodbye for the next 3 weeks. Weird to say so.. quite in a spot whether or not to leave. But this is for the best.. need the time off.. dun wanna leave my friends and guys behind for ex as well. So there i go tml.
yep.. as easy as it sounds.. it's hard to drag myself away rite now. Gonna miss so many ppl and things back here. *if you are wondering rite now if you are one of those ppl... take heart that you are. ha* :P Why do i always hav to leave at these kind of times.
Can still remember my last trip to Australia.. feeling kind of the same rite now. But situations and ppl changed.. why am i still feeling like this. Probably it was meant to be. Got a feeling i'm gonna do something drastic when i get back this time. maybe i will.
so take care everyone.. take care of my family while i'm away too. Goin into a period of construction and deconstruction. hopefully coming back anew. New beginning.. new courage.. new song.. new view. Just brand new.
Luvya all.. love you most.
But will you ever know
Friday, November 17, 2006
please remember...
Yes yes.. i'm flying off this sunday morning.
Stop asking me ya. You'll know i'm gone when.. well.. when i'm gone i guess.
something's really weird recently. think i'm havin mood swings. hmmmm... i dun quite understand. The world seems to be a colder place.. where "warmth" hav been placed in the freezer and love sounds so much like a distant word i tot i heard before
however, i still long for warmth and love and crazy passion in my life again.. like the feeling of star dust sprinkled in the open skies and the moonlight shimmering in the glittering silver seas.. Like walking on freezing cold stormy waters.. like being dragged gliding thru the lovely medows of magnolia in crystal sunshine... picnic under the milky ways.. champagne.. clashing waves and bewitching breeze.. shooting stars and jazz playing from the heavens.
haha..
think i'm gone. think i'm crazy. think i better not think too much.
Good think i'm goin aust. need a little of e wilderness to calm me down.. 14 days of nothingness again. I could get used to it.
dun miss me when i'm gone.. i doubt you will. In that case.. dun forget me too.
Dun have the rite words to say
Dun hold the world in my hand
Wish i could fly thru the air like your hero
But i'm jus someone who loves you...
thats all i am
Dun hold the world in my hand
Wish i could fly thru the air like your hero
But i'm jus someone who loves you...
thats all i am
Monday, November 13, 2006
Heart Of The Matter
one of my favourite song. by Don Henley.
I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined...
People filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us,
Doesn't keep me warm
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, Baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you
Been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined...
People filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us,
Doesn't keep me warm
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, Baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you
Been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Back to life
still adjusting back to life after my granny's gone.. suddenly after all those hospitals trips and funeral preparations, seems werid trying to settle back into life again.
Almost forgotten how my schedule was supposed to be. Was i supposed to be meeting someone? did i hav something to do tat i havent done yet? a little lost now especially when ppl dun inform abt events when they think that i probably not ready to go.
well.. dunno how was i supposed to respond to their "kindness". rather them not be so sensitive and let me get on with life. So many changes around.. feeling numb on so many issues.. sick and tired to keep up. But realised i dun have to. I'll jus stick to my own pace maybe. So wat's next?
Dad came back for granny's funeral. Spent quite some time at the funeral with him. Dun know if only adversities can bring my family together. Well.. appreciate the time alone together with him though.. kind of think of it.. i dun remember ever having private times jus him and me alone chatting besides when he stayed up with me during the funeral.
Feels kindda werid.. gotta admit i always had my bro as a buffer between me and my dad. The dad i knew was really thru my brother's experience with him. Guess he probably feels the same way.. knowing me from my bro.
I imagine it being quite interesting to know your son grew up into a man, slipping my whole childhood and teenage years passed him. Wonder wat he thinks of me. but honestly does it matter? Time really does washes alot of things away.. no long blame him for wat he did.. no longer bother actually. Just hope he'll steer away from shame and come back to Christ.
I know for sure he still believes in God.. he's the one who brought my mum to church. He's the one who planted the seeds of slavation in his family. But i guess its his guilt and shame oust him from our church.
After so many years he finally came back for a visit.. his old khakis all trying to grab this old friend for a chat. Cant help but wonder how my family would be different if he stayed behind and all those things didnt happen. Well.. i thank God for wat ever had happened.. for watever happened happens and couldnt have happened any other ways. ??? wat did i say? dun understand. haha. jus glad i turned out alright. Thank God for my mummy.. staying strong all these while for us. Told myself i'll nv leave my wife like he did. dun wanna miss out a single moment of my kids growing up.
well.. jus glad everything seems to be turning out alright. Thank you Jesus for this truly alternative childhood! ha. Guess it's back to camp tonight. That person that is sick and down with sorethroat(you know who u are. haha).. take care ya.. will keep ya in prayers. Remember to eat your medication if u need too ya.
nitez
Almost forgotten how my schedule was supposed to be. Was i supposed to be meeting someone? did i hav something to do tat i havent done yet? a little lost now especially when ppl dun inform abt events when they think that i probably not ready to go.
well.. dunno how was i supposed to respond to their "kindness". rather them not be so sensitive and let me get on with life. So many changes around.. feeling numb on so many issues.. sick and tired to keep up. But realised i dun have to. I'll jus stick to my own pace maybe. So wat's next?
Dad came back for granny's funeral. Spent quite some time at the funeral with him. Dun know if only adversities can bring my family together. Well.. appreciate the time alone together with him though.. kind of think of it.. i dun remember ever having private times jus him and me alone chatting besides when he stayed up with me during the funeral.
Feels kindda werid.. gotta admit i always had my bro as a buffer between me and my dad. The dad i knew was really thru my brother's experience with him. Guess he probably feels the same way.. knowing me from my bro.
I imagine it being quite interesting to know your son grew up into a man, slipping my whole childhood and teenage years passed him. Wonder wat he thinks of me. but honestly does it matter? Time really does washes alot of things away.. no long blame him for wat he did.. no longer bother actually. Just hope he'll steer away from shame and come back to Christ.
I know for sure he still believes in God.. he's the one who brought my mum to church. He's the one who planted the seeds of slavation in his family. But i guess its his guilt and shame oust him from our church.
After so many years he finally came back for a visit.. his old khakis all trying to grab this old friend for a chat. Cant help but wonder how my family would be different if he stayed behind and all those things didnt happen. Well.. i thank God for wat ever had happened.. for watever happened happens and couldnt have happened any other ways. ??? wat did i say? dun understand. haha. jus glad i turned out alright. Thank God for my mummy.. staying strong all these while for us. Told myself i'll nv leave my wife like he did. dun wanna miss out a single moment of my kids growing up.
well.. jus glad everything seems to be turning out alright. Thank you Jesus for this truly alternative childhood! ha. Guess it's back to camp tonight. That person that is sick and down with sorethroat(you know who u are. haha).. take care ya.. will keep ya in prayers. Remember to eat your medication if u need too ya.
nitez
Friday, November 10, 2006
thanks
First of all, just wanna thank everyone who helped out at my granny's funeral..especially jy, vincent, xav, phoebe, guoqing, gemi, lester,prudence... i know i'm missing some ppl.. so if i did, please forgive me. Even those who came and sent your condolences. On behalf of my family.. i extent my heart felt thanks to all of you.
been a terrible 2 weeks.. wai po (my granny) passed away on monday afternoon, 5:27pm at SGH. Long story about the whole process and i dun know where to start.. but really learnt and saw thru alot for the past 2 weeks.
For one.. i witnessed my granny die before me.. and the process was more than memorable. Her heart beat jus slowing little by little... called in by the nurses to see her for the last time. stood there watching her fade away.. while there's nothing we can do but watch her slip into a flat line. Machines piped into her from all over.. sustaining her dear life so mechanically . but yet.. death never seemed so certain before.
Well well.. death is one thing.. life is another. Only thru losing someone dear that i truly understand the joy of our believe. Believing that granny is truly in a better place.. with God right now. How His consolation washes my tears away. i cried in the ICU before she passed away.. i was crying for my living granny.. after she passed away.. i havent had to cry. Kept feeling this peace and joy and relief for my granny.. ever so sure of her salvation.
Thank God for saving her in her old age.
not gonna carry on here.. lots of things to say.. but i'm too tired go on. Collecting her ashes tml morning.. i better get some sleep. i'll keep posting soon.
been a terrible 2 weeks.. wai po (my granny) passed away on monday afternoon, 5:27pm at SGH. Long story about the whole process and i dun know where to start.. but really learnt and saw thru alot for the past 2 weeks.
For one.. i witnessed my granny die before me.. and the process was more than memorable. Her heart beat jus slowing little by little... called in by the nurses to see her for the last time. stood there watching her fade away.. while there's nothing we can do but watch her slip into a flat line. Machines piped into her from all over.. sustaining her dear life so mechanically . but yet.. death never seemed so certain before.
Well well.. death is one thing.. life is another. Only thru losing someone dear that i truly understand the joy of our believe. Believing that granny is truly in a better place.. with God right now. How His consolation washes my tears away. i cried in the ICU before she passed away.. i was crying for my living granny.. after she passed away.. i havent had to cry. Kept feeling this peace and joy and relief for my granny.. ever so sure of her salvation.
Thank God for saving her in her old age.
not gonna carry on here.. lots of things to say.. but i'm too tired go on. Collecting her ashes tml morning.. i better get some sleep. i'll keep posting soon.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Lost it..
times like this i feel so dry.. cant seem to squeeze much out of my life. Makes me feel so dead and lifeless when there are actually so much goin on here. lost my keen eye on life and its little details.. lost the will to take time to smell the roses.. lost the heart to appreciate things around me.
Many interesting things happened in my life recently.. jus dun bother mentioning.. dun know why.. sudden lost the words i suppose. Even took up dance lessons to try freshen things up.. still not working so far. Argh.. i need to find some things to do to excite me again.. but sometimes i feel its really the company that really perks me up. Nope.. not tat the company for the things i'm doin really bores me.. but there's just something missing. this feeling that i'm longing for more.
Wat am i looking for? I really dun know. I know i've got all i need.. but i want something more.
Many interesting things happened in my life recently.. jus dun bother mentioning.. dun know why.. sudden lost the words i suppose. Even took up dance lessons to try freshen things up.. still not working so far. Argh.. i need to find some things to do to excite me again.. but sometimes i feel its really the company that really perks me up. Nope.. not tat the company for the things i'm doin really bores me.. but there's just something missing. this feeling that i'm longing for more.
Wat am i looking for? I really dun know. I know i've got all i need.. but i want something more.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Looking forward to you
Is there a time of the day that you're looking forward to? i jus realised i do.
it's really a wonder how it hit me.. now that i'm waiting for it everyday. Now it marks the end of my day.. usually with a smile of cos.
I dun know when it started.. a simple msg.. a gentle gesture.. some genuine concern. been so long since then.. now i can hardly sleep without it.
i guess you dun know it.. (do you?) or maybe you're not sure, like me.. too. Watever the case.. i guess it true.. i'm looking forward to you.
i'm smiling myself silly.. i'm laughing at myself sometimes. One thing for sure.. u sure make my day.. any day. Its amazing how u do it. feels familar.. but so fresh this time round.
So do i hav a favorite time of the day? i'd have to say.. indeed i do.. Ever since you crossed my world.. i'm looking forward to you.
it's really a wonder how it hit me.. now that i'm waiting for it everyday. Now it marks the end of my day.. usually with a smile of cos.
I dun know when it started.. a simple msg.. a gentle gesture.. some genuine concern. been so long since then.. now i can hardly sleep without it.
i guess you dun know it.. (do you?) or maybe you're not sure, like me.. too. Watever the case.. i guess it true.. i'm looking forward to you.
i'm smiling myself silly.. i'm laughing at myself sometimes. One thing for sure.. u sure make my day.. any day. Its amazing how u do it. feels familar.. but so fresh this time round.
So do i hav a favorite time of the day? i'd have to say.. indeed i do.. Ever since you crossed my world.. i'm looking forward to you.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Unfeeling show.. unfeeling me
back from the movies.. went with a whole bunch of them.. wanted it to be a quieter affair but 10 of us went anyway.. Caught World Trade Center at VivoCity after much protest and debates and of cos comments from ppl telling me its not a nice show. ha. well.. then show wasnt too bad afterall.
one thing is i somehow couldnt get into the movie as much a i wanted to.. my mind kept wondering. feeling so detached from the show. Further more.. was sitting on the very first row.. my neck was stiff as wood!
well well.. nothing much to say about the movie.. hardly feel for it.. hardly feel for anything things lately. Hardly..very hard indeed. Not as sensitive and emotional as before as when everything seems to excite or engage me so easily. I really need a good laugh or a good cry.. or something extreme to excite my senses again. All i can manage now is a smile.. or at max a tear. i could see the point.. the values.. but thats about it. Thats all i could see.. nothing much i could relate. so distant.
Having some misunderstanding with a frien recently.. not sure if misunderstanding is the right word to use cos i hardly understand his situation myself.. hope everything is alright. dun know wat to say to him as well. so i shall keep silent. pray tat God takes over the situation. thats all i'm entitled to do i guess.
one thing is i somehow couldnt get into the movie as much a i wanted to.. my mind kept wondering. feeling so detached from the show. Further more.. was sitting on the very first row.. my neck was stiff as wood!
well well.. nothing much to say about the movie.. hardly feel for it.. hardly feel for anything things lately. Hardly..very hard indeed. Not as sensitive and emotional as before as when everything seems to excite or engage me so easily. I really need a good laugh or a good cry.. or something extreme to excite my senses again. All i can manage now is a smile.. or at max a tear. i could see the point.. the values.. but thats about it. Thats all i could see.. nothing much i could relate. so distant.
Having some misunderstanding with a frien recently.. not sure if misunderstanding is the right word to use cos i hardly understand his situation myself.. hope everything is alright. dun know wat to say to him as well. so i shall keep silent. pray tat God takes over the situation. thats all i'm entitled to do i guess.
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